The Kind of Wife I Never Ever Want to Be…

BY: - 3 Jan '13 | Marriage

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This year will mark the 13th year that my husband and I have been in a relationship. We’ve had good times where we’ve wanted to be around one another forever.  But, there have been times when we’ve been so complacent we barely spoke to one another while we were in the same room.

We’ve been rich (almost), poor, happy, poor and happy and sad. This right here is marriage–there are good, bad and really bad times. The one thing that has always kept us together is that we genuinely love one another and we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

This right here is marriage–there are good, bad and really bad times.

However, getting to this point was hard. We both are totally opposite of one another. I’m the quiet, reserved serious one, while he’s the playful, humorous one. As we’ve grown to accept one another’s personalities, it’s also made me reflect more on the wife I need to be for not only my husband, but for my family. You see, through 3 childbirths, 2 major moves, endless birthdays and weddings , I’ve finally realized the type of wife and mother I have to be. This came from my marriage getting to a  place where we’re in a good ‘groove’.

We now understand one another’s wants and desires, we understand that at times we’re not going to like one another’s actions but we took a vow that said we are ‘together forever’.

One night as we were revising our relationship goals, I began to compile a list  of the kind of wife I NEVER want to be just so I can stay grounded on who I am.

I never want to the wife that:

  1. Doesn’t greet her husband with a kiss when he gets home from work. Not a simple peck on the lips but a passionate one that makes us both blush like we’re teenagers again.
  2. That puts herself last in a way to please her husband. I’ve realized that my needs and wants are just as important as my husband’s needs. So now that I’m wiser, I take time for myself on a daily basis. Sometimes I get a manicure, or get my hair “done” while other times I just go to the park to sit and reflect. No matter how small my time is, it keeps me sane and I come home a better wife.
  3. Refuses to change to accommodate an ever evolving relationship. My husband and I have been together since I was 19 and he was 21.  So, of course in that time we’ve both changed–for the better.  Every couple of years we both change what we like, how we look and despite all of that I make sure I’m flexible to change. Remember change is good!
  4. That doesn’t listen to what her mate needs and wants but instead does what she wants. I’ve been guilty of this many times. If my husband comes home and tells me he’s going through something difficult at work, many times I’ve minimized what he’s feeling because of my hectic job. Instead, now when he comes in I try and give him an hour to mentally relax and tell me his problems – after all he works 12 hour days.
  5. The kind of wife who stops loving.  This  seems so simple to do but sometimes when you’re wrapped up in all that life gives you (kids, job, business, goals, etc) you can forget that you have to take time and love the people who love you. This means that loving everything else a little less. It can be difficult when you’re a goal oriented person, but the love of your husband (i.e. family) is a love that can’t be replaced.
  6. The kind of wife who cuts their husband and/or family with her words. So many times I’ve been guilty of saying something out of anger not realizing the power of words- especially when you speak out of anger.

As I sit here, instead of making goals about my career and health, I’m going to make goals to make sure I’m the wife that my husband and family deserves.

Now my BMWK family, what kind of wife do you want to be?


About the author

Franchesca Warren wrote 44 articles on this blog.

Franchesca Warren is writer, author, blogger, educator, runner, entrepreneur, mother and overall BossyGirl. She's currently working on her second book detailing her chronicles of working in two of the roughest urban school districts with a release date of August 2012. You can find her full-time on her blog chronicling her life trying to balance it all and run a marathon by the end of the year. In her spare time she runs her own editing company, The Editing Nerd, and working on the launch of her first magazine. For a daily account of the good, bad and ugly of being a BossyGirl follow her on Twitter!


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8 WordPress comments on “The Kind of Wife I Never Ever Want to Be…

  1. Michelle Wanamaker

    Great Post! I can truly relate to point number 5… I’ve been guilty of that SO OFTEN!! That’s my Main GOAL this year to Give my husband all I have in the LOVE Dept. thanks for sharing!

  2. Pingback: What Is Your Reputation in Your Marriage? | Black and Married With - A Positive Image of Marriage and Family

  3. Pingback: Make Your Move Monday – Do You Have A Good Relationship Reputation? « The Latest With VR

  4. Pingback: Betty & Coretta: Extraordinary Women with Extraordinary Strength (VIDEO) | Black and Married With - A Positive Image of Marriage and Family

  5. Martin South Africa

    Great points. Your timing is impeccable. You also helped me as a husband to reflect on how can I best be the husband my wife wants and still remain true to myself

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I Want to Improve My Marriage, But Don’t Know How to Begin

BY: - 3 Jan '13 | Marriage

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There are a lot of people that desire to have better marriages, but they don’t know what to say or do to get started. Things have been bad for so long that they don’t know the first step towards turning things around.  Well sometimes, words are not enough.  Sometimes you have to stop talking about a better marriage…and how you have changed…and how things should be…… And you have to just start doing it.  Put your words into action.

Amy Morin, LSCW,  says that you don’t always have to have a “long-winded” conversation in order to make positive changes in your relationship.  Amy provides the following 5 Ways to Improve Your Marriage Without Saying a Word:

1. Have Fun Together

Couples sometimes get stuck in a rut. They do the same thing day in and day out which can get boring. Going to work, caring for children, and keeping up with the household responsibilities sometimes doesn’t leave much time and energy to have fun together a as a couple. However, doing some fun activities together can put a spark back in your marriage.

In fact, the more exciting the activities are the better is for your relationship. Pleasurable activities are good but when couples do activities they both find to be particularly exciting, they tend to rate their relationship as much more exciting as well.

So take up skydiving, start a business together, climb a mountain or do whatever it is that the two of you find to be exciting.  Many couples lose sight of what they even find to be exciting so don’t be afraid to try something new. You may discover you’ve got a hidden talent for the flying trapeze or fundraising for a charity when you give it a shot.

2. Touch Each Other

Physical touch does wonderful things for couples. A gentle squeeze on the arm, kiss on the cheek or a hug before you get out of bed can set the tone for the day. There’s a lot of research out there that suggests physical touch can do a lot for a relationship.

When you behave affectionately, it impacts your feelings. So, hugging and kissing can actually make you feel more loving toward your spouse. So go ahead and hold hands or cuddle up on the couch together and rekindle some loving feelings.

3. Communicate Non-Verbally

Your facial expressions, gestures and non-verbal cues speak volumes. Think about what a mean glare communicates in contrast to a wink and a smile. The way you look at your spouse can certainly be worth a thousand words.

Non-verbal gestures often become a habit and people sometimes aren’t even aware they are doing them. For example, when someone rolls their eyes at their spouse a dozen times a day, they are likely to almost become immune to the fact that they keep doing this. So, be aware of your non-verbal gestures and how they impact your relationship.

Use your non-verbal communication to communicate loving feelings. Offer a smile from across the room. Cut tension with a silly dance. Show your excitement with your face.  Non-verbal gestures play a big role in the overall communication style and by focusing on them, you can learn to change your non-verbal communication for the better.

Check out Amy’s remaining tips on The Marriage Counseling Blog.

BMWK – How do you plan to make improvements in your marriage this year?

About the author

Ronnie Tyler wrote 519 articles on this blog.

Ronnie Tyler is the co-creator of and co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing. The proud mom of 4 has been selected by Parenting Magazine as a Must-Read Mom and is one of Babble's Top 100 Mom Bloggers.


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