What Is Your Reputation in Your Marriage?

BY: - 28 Jan '13 | Marriage

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At work, among friends, at church and in almost every relationship we contribute to there is a certain reputation we carry based on our behaviors. We may be considered the hard worker, the funny one, or the giver depending on who we ask. Because we have so many titles and play so many roles we can actually show up differently to those in our life circles.

Jobs, friends, and our faith connections are all important and the opinions of the individuals in these groups matters to us. For that reason, we put forth a great deal of effort to please them. We work harder, sacrifice in certain areas, and go above and beyond when necessary with the goal being not to disappoint those who are counting on us.

While it is awesome to be so considerate to the various people in our lives, we sometimes fail to extend the same courtesy to the most important person in our life, our spouse. We work so hard at building positive reputations with everyone else and the one we have with our mates is sometimes left a little shaky.

If I were to ask what your reputation is in your marriage, how would you answer? More importantly, how would your spouse answer? If they were given the task of describing you as a spouse what words and adjectives would be used?

If you’re not too confident about the answer to the questions above, don’t worry. There is always an opportunity to rebuild any reputation we aren’t very proud of. Here’s how:

Step 1: Think about the other relationships in your life and ask what makes you value those reputations so much. At work, we care because we hope to be noticed and have advancement opportunities  presented to us. In our marriage we should also consider the affects our current actions have on the future of the relationship. With every action, there is a result. We must take more time and count the cost of our behavior. Being able to take a step back and use a different approach, one that helps the marriage, is always effective.

Step 2: Think about who you want to be in your marriage. Do we desire to be more loving, giving, and supportive? If yes, everything we do should complement that thinking. With our friendships, we often prove we can be trusted and there in times of need. The relationship with our spouse shouldn’t be any different. The person you want to be should be revealed and it shouldn’t depend on what your spouse does or doesn’t do. As the writer Don Miguel Ruiz points out in The Mastery of Love, “you are only responsible for your half of the relationship”.

Step 3: Just do it! How we show up in our marriage is always up to us. Decide the type of spouse you really want to be and bring him/her to life more frequently. In our spiritual connections we make sacrifices and we quickly put the needs of others above our own. Our spouses deserve the same treatment. Sacrifice is the ultimate ingredient for a healthy marriage.

A reputation is the one thing we can control and is also what most people use as they develop expectations of us. The goal is building a reputation we can be proud of, especially in our marriage.

BMWK — What is your reputation in your marriage?

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 594 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit www.thelifeandlovecoach.com and www.theboldersister.com.

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8 WordPress comments on “What Is Your Reputation in Your Marriage?

  1. Wendy M.

    You are so right, SACRAFICE, is the key. There are 2 sides to sacrifice. The sacrifice has to be selfless to be effective in the marriage. The other side is that anyone can say oh yes I will SACRAFICE, but they do it with a grudge. When it’s done with a grudge, then it’s not effective and ends on more problems down the road. Great article as always Tiya!

  2. Ashley

    I never though about this, what kind of reputation I have in my marriage. You just gave my husband I something to really look at and talk about, also for me to pray for, that I may have a good reputation in my marriage. Thank you Tiya. This was great.

  3. Pingback: What Is Your Reputation in Your Marriage? | Black and Married With Kids.com – A Positive Image of Marriage and Family « wtpdiaries

  4. Pingback: What Is Your Reputation in Your Marriage? | My Black Networks® -The Latest News from The African Diaspora

  5. Pingback: What is Your Relationship Credit Score? | From Ashy to Classy

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5 Factors that Interfere with the Success of Marriage Counseling

BY: - 28 Jan '13 | Home

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by Amy Morin,

There are many factors that can determine whether or not marriage counseling is successful. It leads to many people asking, why does counseling seem to help some people and not others? Counseling is certainly not an exact science. It also isn’t meant to be a miracle cure for all bad relationships. However, most people do benefit from counseling.

But there are couples who just don’t seem to benefit from marriage counseling. Despite attending counseling, their marriage just doesn’t seem to improve. It may end in divorce.

So what’s the difference between a couple who experiences success in counseling a couple who leaves counseling determining there is no hope? There are some factors that seem to interfere with the success of counseling.

Looking for Permission to Get Divorced

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Sadly, many people enter into counseling looking for permission to get divorced. I’ve had couples come into my office that say, “I just want to be able to tell my kids we tried everything before we divorce.” It’s as if they just want to be able to put a checkmark on a checklist of “things to do before you divorce” so they can say “see nothing worked.”
Other couples come in saying something to the effect of “see we can’t get along so we should just divorce, right?” They share about their problems and discuss how nothing seems to work. In essence, they are looking for a counselor to say “You’ve left no stone unturned. You might as well divorce now.”
If you enter into counseling with an open mind about your marriage, it can help. However, if you are looking for permission to get divorced, you likely won’t leave satisfied. Counselors don’t grant you permission to divorce. Instead, they try to help you meet your goals. Photo Credit: Nicholas Copernicus

 BMWK – Share with us some factors as to why counseling has not worked for you in the past?  

Find out more about  Amy Morin and her article Factors that Interfere with the Success of Marriage Counseling on The Marriage Counseling Blog (http://marriagecounselingblog.com)

 

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BMWK Staff wrote 1206 articles on this blog.

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