4 Reasons She May Not Submit to You

BY: - 7 Feb '13 | Marriage

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Me: “We have been together for a long time, have I ever lead you wrong?”

Her: “Well (rolling her eyes slightly)…No”

Me: “With that being said when I say I got it, then baby I got it. “

Her: (Pausing, then as she melts into submission) “Ok babe (blushing) ‘You got it’ ”

So let me bring you up to speed; that was the tail end of an argument that my wife and I had on Friday night (what started it isn’t important!). What you don’t know though is that I wasn’t just talking to any average woman. My wife is a beautiful, educated, bachelor degree and MBA having woman that makes more money than I do. Let me say that again…she makes more money than I do and not to mention she is also an undercover FEMINIST! Now that wasn’t me bragging on my wife, that was just me letting you know that things aren’t easy as it seems! On the other hand it was me letting you know that it’s very possible…submission that is!

You hear women say all the time “well I’m not submitting to anybody” and you hear the men always say “women don’t know how to submit anymore” and in this lies the disconnect! Now ladies let me explain what I mean by “submission.” The concept is simple; allow him to LEAD and TRUST his direction. Now let me address the women’s’ point of view first. The new aged woman is no longer being raised to merely find a husband and bear children; she is being raised to be dynamic, independent, and unstoppable! Not to mention many women are growing up with no father’s or with what I call a “double dutch” father who likes to jump in and out of their lives. Thus setting up such a great example of what manhood really is (I hope you sense my sarcasm). Oh and let’s not forget that the first time she tried that whole “submission” thing it was probably with a boy, posing as a man, who manifested himself as a unreliable, irresponsible, unfaithful, BUM! Ladies raise your hand if this sounds familiar. Now after counting hands that explains the whole “well I’m not submitting to anybody” statement.

Now fellas this might get a little rough for you, but tough it out! When the fellas say “well women just don’t know how to submit anymore” my first question is always “well why should she?” I believe as men many of us have developed this entitlement mentality and it might be time to check ourselves. Fellas there are a few things that will decide whether or not she is willing to submit to you:

1) Dependability-Do you show up? Not when you feel like it, but when she needs you there? You can’t just be there sometimes, but you need to be there MOST times. That means you need to be there for her physically and emotionally and she needs to know without a shadow of a doubt that if nobody else “got her” then her man “got her!”

2) Consistency-You have to build a track record. You need to be consistent at being dependable, responsible, a provider, and a protector. You can’t quit 5 different jobs in a year just because you “didn’t like it” and think she is supposed to feel comfortable when you say “I got this.”

3) Confidence-She won’t believe you can do it if YOU don’t believe you can do it. Your aura must exude confidence. Not only will she find it sexy, but she will also find it reassuring.

4) Humility-You must be humble enough to know the limits of your abilities. Your humility will let her know that you won’t take her down a path of destruction because you know when to say “baby, I need help.”

My point is this: Fellas the ladies are more than willing to submit and they really want to be vulnerable in their love for you, but it’s not just something you get, it’s something you must earn. Now ladies when you find a man that has earned that right through his action, then trust that he has your best interest at heart and follow these directions:

1. Sit back
2. Relax

BMWK — Get involved in the discussion. What are your views on the concept of submission in a marriage??

About the author

Troy Spry wrote 225 articles on this blog.

Troy Spry a Certified Life, Dating, and Relationship Coach and the one and only "Reality Expert", resides in Charlotte, NC. He created his blog, Xklusive Thoughts, with the intent of putting out a very realistic perspective and using it as a vehicle for inspiration! He hopes to challenge people to think differently and inspire people to do and be better in relationships and in life!


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25 WordPress comments on “4 Reasons She May Not Submit to You

  1. Kerwin

    Fellas the ladies are more than willing to submit and they really want to be vulnerable in their love for you, but it’s not just something you get, it’s something you must earn. Now ladies when you find a man that has earned that right through his action, then trust that he has your best interest at heart and follow these directions:

    1. Sit back
    2. Relax
    3. SUBMIT
    hmmmm, and if you dont all that and they still want to do it thier own way and their error cause the entire family financial strife, legal issue and division of the family.. then what?

    1. Terri Brown

      I soooooo agree with submitting to your mate, however as much as I do understand your point I have a different perspective. I believe that the wife is called to submit to her husband not because he has earned it by his actions but because of the actions and the price that Christ has already paid for us!. His actions does make it a little easier to submit, however it should not nor cannot be the reason why we as women subbmit. We have to build are marriages on the solid foundation of the word of God.

  2. Niambi

    I would add that one quality a wife needs to see in her husband is that he is a Leader. If the decisions he make are sound decisions, it makes it easier for her to trust him and she will come into submission. When a husband isn’t a leader, it is like the saying goes “the blind leading the blind”. The head of the household must be a Leader in all sense of the word. We are his helpmeet and we will encourage and support our husbands in their role.

  3. Troy Spry

    Troy Spry Thank you all for reading my article and for the critical and supportive feedback. It is my hope that after reading the article that everyone can understand the undertone if accountability that I was trying to inspire through this piece. The idea that as men we must earn the right to lead and take on the challenge of assuming our natural roles. I to understand the biblical perspective and I concur 100%, I just hope that this article can deal with more of the practical side of things that are encountered in marriages. Thanks for reading and please “like” my Facebook page at http://www.thefacebook.com/xklusivethoughts

    You can also check out more of my work at http://www.xklusivethoughts.com

    Follow me on twitter @xklusive5

  4. Darrk Gable

    It’s seems to be easy for the ladies to say my husband needs to do this and that, but what about you? I’m not pointing fingers or anything else, but if your man is doing these listed activities, and others, but you’re still not submitting(in the biblical sense), then with whom does the fault lie?

  5. Darrell Hines

    I believe it goes both ways, both parties needs to be submissive to each other. And, yes respect must be earned in order for the marriage to work. God should be the center of the marriage and we should seek God’s wisdom on how to love one another. So a man must lead by example and the woman must follow by example as well.

    1. stephanieb

      I totally agree Darrell with your comment. I think that both the husband and wife need to submit to one another in order for a marriage to work; I wish that more people saw it that way, maybe there wouldn’t be so much divorce. And as always, if God is kept first in the marriage, that makes all of the difference in the world.

    2. Niambi

      I agree with Darrell. Ephesians 5:21 says “Submit yourselves one to another in the fear of the Lord”. I would also like to say thank you to my wonderful husband. You are a great leader, protector, provider, supporter and encourager. You are the best. I love u 🙂

  6. Pingback: 4 Reasons She May Not Submit to You | Majic 102.1

  7. Sheri Scott

    I think this is on point. Biblically speaking women are required to submit while the men are required to love. As women we should be submitting to the love that causes our husbands to have our best interest in mind at all times. There is a comfort level that comes with knowing that your man loves you unconditionally and in that comfort we can sit back while he takes the reins. Most women do not want to wear the dress and the pants in their relationships, we want to submit. We just need to know that our men have us.

  8. Melissa

    …just the biblical record, there is a scripture which states “husbands submit to your wives…” Don’t have my bible/notes to reference it. But, I think the greater point to this outstanding article is it is answering a question some men may have w/in themselves as to why they may not be feeling the love & honor, they so desire, from their woman. Though the scripture may not be listed, these are very well listed in layman’s terms; it definitely spoke to my heart. I agree 100%.
    The bible is very clear, husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the Church, His Body; His love is sacrificial, has no ego involved, and He has already proven He would die for us. How awesome it would be to experience that kind of love from a husband. That kind of love invites adoration and full complete trust. This article is proof, that there is still hope. Beautifully and simply said; the absolute truth.

  9. Nick

    Ridiculous article. I am sure there are women who would accept this, but they are certainly not the kind of woman I’d ever want to marry in a million years. This mode of thinking is incredibly outdated. There are some fine things in here but the overall tone is just…. ugh.

  10. Troy Spry

    Once again I would like to say thank you to everyone who took the time to read the article and for the great feedback as well as the critical feedback. I hope that you were able to gather the tone of accountability and leadership that I was trying to get across in this article. Nick I noticed that you described the article as “Ridiculous” and I would love some clarity on why your stance is what it is. Is it the part that calls for men to be consistent, dependable, confident, and humble? Are those not 4 characterstics of a great leader in any capacity? Is it the part that says that respect is something that must be earned? Is it unreasonable that people in the world, including our mates and husbands, should earn their respect based on their actions? Is it ridiculous to suggest that many wives and women want their husbands to be good leaders so that they can truly be vulnerable in their love for them? I wasn’t suggesting that husbands and wives shouldn’t be able to submit to one another depending on the situation and their strengths vs. limitations, because thats where that idea of “humility” comes into play. If you notice my definition of Submit in the article was to allow him to LEAD and TRUST that his direction. Is trust not something that has to be earned? You mentioned that you would never want to marry a woman that accepts these concepts….does that mean that a women should not expect these things of her husband? My wife is one of the strongest and accomplished women that I know, but she expects these things of me and I deliver and thus she has no hesitation about allowming to lead her as she believes that that is my natural role. That does not mean that we don’t consult each other in the decision making process though. You mentioned that the mindset is outdated, but I would argue that it’s not outdated, rather it has been overlooked and forgotten and if these characteristics were embraced instead of shunned then it’s possible our communities would be in a better state. Accountability, dependability, consistency, confidence, and humility will never be outdated as they are the makings of a leader and people of high character. It is my hope that we can both respectfully disagree on our viewpoints about this article and that maybe you can see what my true tone and point was that I was attempting to get across to the reader. Thanks again for reading and for the feedback.

  11. Louise

    I think we often get submitting and submission confused. I believe that the act of submitting is very different from being in a state of submission. When you submit, you are yielding to a higher authority. When you are submissive, you are inferior. God asks women to submit to the authority of their husbands, just as those same husbands are supposed to submit to the authority of Jesus Christ. As Christians, God asks us to push past our comfort zones in every aspect of our lives. Marriage is no different. Wives are asked to yield to their husband’s authority because it is against our nature. Women naturally make decisions that are in the best interest of our families. We naturally want to take the reigns because we typically know what is best for the family unit. God wants to mature that part of us that does not come naturally – depending on someone else. God commanded husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church (gave His life for it). Love does not come naturally to men. Its foreign and must be learned. Again, this is God pushing men beyond their comfort zone. But, what’s awesome about this is that when a married couple gets this concept, really gets it, it brings all glory to God. When a husband truly LOVES his wife, and a wife truly RESPECTS her husband, the marriage will be a ministry – it will point people to Jesus. And at the end of the day, that is our sole purpose.

  12. Tisha

    This is a great article and while its nicely written this is the not the true meaning of submission. In the Bible submission speaks to EVERYONE in every walk of life. Its not just about wives submitting to their husbands.

    Men are the heads of their households and as such they have to lead their wives and children by example not words and force. If a wife sees her husband submitting to God, and then his boss, then she will see no problem in submitting. When the children see their father submitting and then their mother they won’t have problem submitting. Submission is something that WE ALL must and have to do and it starts with our submission to God. If we struggle with that we are going to struggle with submission in general.

    But going back to husbands. First husbands need to submit themselves to God. If he can’t submit to Christ how can he expect his wife to submit to him. Everything has to be in order and if one thing is out of order everything else down the line will be out of order. Men if you can’t submit yourself to Christ then its a vain thing to want submission from your wife.

    After that as a man of God you must submit to your pastor. God has given us pastors for a reason and we have to sit under this man and be in submission to his guidance and his vision. He is being led by Christ and as members of his church we should be in submission to him.

    Next as a man with a job you must submit to your boss. Submission is a an attitude that we all must have because God has given us to people in authority. Even if your boss is a idiot, butthole he is in authority and as a man and the head of your house you and your household is blessed by God through your submission and obedience to his word.

    All of these things must line up before a man can even think about thinking about his wife submitting to him. As a man you have to understand your place in the family before you can start to set everyone else in line.

    Its not just about earning her submission its about loving her correctly. That is the first step to submission. As a husband you are the captain of your family. You have to have the vision for your family. You can’t just walk into marriage hoping it turns out alright. You have to have a vision for your family that lines up with the Word. Once you have a vision you can being to build and maintain your family. Secondly, the Bible tells husbands to love their wives even as Christ loved the church. Let’s look at how Christ loved the church. First, he gave his life for the church. Would you lay down your life for your wife? Not when she is being good, but when she is being downright rotten? That’s what Christ did. He died for us when we were yet in our sins.

    Next, Christ protects the church. He doesn’t allow harm, mental, physical nor spiritual harm to come against his church. Do you let your mother bad mouth your wife’s cooking? Do you gossip about how she nags you to your friends during a pick up game? How is that protecting the image of your wife to the world? When she is sick do you just pat her on the head and walk out of the door? Do you even the know the name of her gynecologist? Christ says that he knows the number of hairs on our head, and while you can’t possible be know that about your wife you should know her more intimately and deeper than any other person save Christ.

    Christ serves the church. Christ tells us to cast all of our cares upon him for her cares for us. Do you listen to the cares of your wife? Do you know the name of her boss that gives her a hard time? Do you know the name of the movie that is guaranteed to make her laugh even though she is feeling a bit blue? When was the last time you got up on a Saturday and made breakfast for your wife, cleaned up the house and then took the kids out of the house so she could have some alone time just to be herself, but herself? Do you keep her car washed, clean and in good working order without her having to tell you?

    Christ offers us security. He is the same today, he will be the same tomorrow and forever more. Has your love for your wife waned and gotten lax over the years. Are you still buying her flowers for no reason at all? Do you still wake her up with a kiss and a song? Are the bills paid on time? Or does she have to field calls from bill collectors all day because you can’t remember to pay the insurance on time. If she isn’t secure she will not submit.

    Christ esteems his saints. When we talk with and pray to him our words carry weight. He stops and his listens to us. Even if he is busy he makes each and every one of us feel like the ultimate priority to him. Even though he is the keeper of heaven. I know that when I bend my knee to him he will stop the sun from rising to attend to my needs. Do you esteem your wife highly and do her words carry weight with you? If she tells you that going out with your friends is a bad idea do you stay home with her? Or do you blow her off and run the streets with your homeboys to prove that she doesn’t control you?

    Your job and your role as the husband and the father in the family is the most important. You are the head and as the head you have a greater responsibility over the physical and spiritual lives of your family. Its not just about making them submit to you because you are a man. Its about them submitting to you as a man of God.

    Learn to walk upright before God and submit yourself to the Lord, your pastor, your boss, your wife, and your children. Then your wife will have no problem at all submitting to you. She will welcome it and enjoy all the benefits of her submission.

  13. Choice-Driven Life

    Hmmm….interesting….From another perspective, submitting has been the portal to the deepest points of pleasure imaginable. It is the only way I have experienced complete oneness with my husband. And OH MY!!!! Life is pure delight. Joy unparalleled. I mean, what benefit is there in withholding or posturing? Why worry? I mean, I chose to marry my heart, my hero, my love. Who did others marry?

  14. Choice-Driven Life

    Oh, and I think it begins with me. That’s all I can control. I’m not in the business of telling a man how he needs to be (first) and THEN I’ll act a certain way. Smells like an excuse to me.

  15. Evolme

    All I got to say is AMEN! Many men want a submissive wife but they need to show up and take responsibilty on the role they need respect in. I don’t mind being submissive at all.

  16. Gabiel

    I believe the reason why women are not so quick to submit anymore is because men are failing in the role of being the “HEAD” and women now are pratically forced to take on the roles that men are suppose to be doing. (i.e single mothers most have to be mother and father). And plus men now days got the mentality if the woman want something than she got to give up what’s between her legs.Which, now women are being more independent instead of having to rely so much on a man. In my opinion men are to blame for the reason why some women are STRONG HEAD INDEPENDENT…A woman that really don’t care about a man and his ego becasue “she got it” with or without one…lol. However, that still does not mean she should not let a Real man be a Real man if he has earned that trust.

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I Don’t Believe in God…So, What About My Marriage

BY: - 7 Feb '13 | Home

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Credit: Cross by geludead

From time to time, we receive comments from individuals that say things like: “Well that post was nice…but I don’t believe in God or I don’t go to church, so what about my marriage?”

I, as well as many of our writers, believe that marriage is a covenant (a spiritually binding relationship) between my husband, me and God. And as Dr. Michelle so eloquently states in her article, I Can’t Imagine Marriage Without God:

“I am not too proud to admit that without a power bigger and wiser than us, my husband and I would be lost. . . if not divorced. So, not only do I reference God in my writing, but I also reverence Him in my life. My marriage isn’t perfect, but the God I serve is. And, as long as we keep Him first, we will be just fine.”

So no matter what we are discussing, inevitably, it’s going to come back around to understanding God’s perspective on marriage. And when times get tough and we feel like our marriages are under attack, we turn to God’s word. As Briana Myricks wrote:

“On one particularly difficult night, I turned to my Bible for answers on how to deal with this, on how to fight for my marriage, despite the Devil trying his best to destroy it. “Let us not become weary in doing good,  for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9 (NIV)”

But if you don’t believe in God and you don’t read the Bible, then perhaps Bible verses are not what you want to hear.  And this brings to mind two things that my mother always tells me, which are:  1. you have to meet people where they are…and 2. you have lead by example. So, I take that to mean you have to do more than just talk about God’s word and reference bible verses.  You have to be living and breathing examples of what God asks us to do in marriage. In Ephesians 5:33,  we are asked to do two simple things in marriage…just two:  Love and Respect.  And I want my marriage to embody those rules so much so that people want to know….what is it?  What is it that makes your marriage so good.  Because I want some of that.

I also thought about something that Speech Thomas, lead singer from the Grammy Award-winning group Arrested Development, said in our last movie, Still Standing. He said:

I feel for someone that does not have some type of standard that they dream towards and that they’re pushing toward. And that they know when they are not meeting that mark so that they can reach for that……Any decisions that we make in our lives are based on what standard is around us.

Speech and his wife Yolanda were dealing with the devastating impact that infidelity can have on a marriage.  But when they decided to understand what God says about marriage, it changed the course of their marriage. And they are Still Standing strong over 16 years later.

So, if you do not believe in God, then perhaps you and your spouse should ask yourselves and agree upon the standards that you do have for marriage. Don’t just wing it…set some standards.

And just this one last thing, one of the things that made me 100% sure that I wanted to marry my husband Lamar was his faith in God. Because as Leroy Scott states..when husbands believe God, the game changes:

“When men do this, they set themselves on a course, not tied to the frustrations of their past, but rather to the fruition of their future. Their motives are driven by faith and the secrets of their hearts are healed without being revealed. They lead everything towards one direction, making all things work together for the good of their family. When husbands believe God; the game changes.”

BMWK — What standards have you set for your marriage?

Checkout a teaser from Still Standing below.  And you can see the full trailer here

About the author

Ronnie Tyler wrote 528 articles on this blog.

Ronnie Tyler is the co-creator of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com and co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing. The proud mom of 4 has been selected by Parenting Magazine as a Must-Read Mom and is one of Babble's Top 100 Mom Bloggers.


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