Investing Into The Sexual Health of Your Marriage

BY: - 21 Mar '13 | Intimacy

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Not long ago a woman was complaining to me about her husband when she suddenly interrupted herself and said, “You know I should probably be more intimate with him…We’d probably get along better and it probably would help me from being stressed out. But it’s hard.”

“There’s a reason intimacy is supposed to exist between married folks,” I said. “It ain’t about some dude, your husband, getting his jollies. It’s about solidifying your union and creating a bond (a soul-tie) that only the two of you share. There’s a beautiful thing that two people have when they are intimate, especially when they are married.”

“You may want to consider trying and seeing what happens,” I continued. “Who knows, you may actually like it?”

To which she responded, “You’re probably right.”

I hope I was able to help. More and more I hear from married women who have sworn off sex as if it were something bad, like too much cake and ice cream. I hear them blaming everything plus their husbands as to why they have chosen to be this way. On the other side, I’m hearing from an equal number of married men who are bewildered and exasperated, running around like desperate men inside their own marriages, desperate for love from their wives. I repeat, desperate for love from their wives — having no desire to go anywhere but home to their marriage beds. Not understanding why their wives appeared to love them more before marriage than once the vows were taken. Part of the vows (depending on the ceremony or depending on whether you were truly paying attention to the “for better or worse” part) is that you give yourselves to one another in marriage. There are things that make marriages work, that sustain them over the years and through the rough patches. It is the getting through the rough patches together that often create the fertile ground for the good times. But sexual intimacy is one of the first things to go when things get tough.

A pastor once counseled me with these words, “The challenges that come once you are married come to make you two stronger together — not tear you apart.” After communication and genuine TLC, sexuality is pretty high up there as a critical ingredient for marital health. Sitting up in a house as roommates sharing kids is no different than roommates or housemates or business partners sitting under the same roof with shared ideas and investments. Shared investments neither foster nor nourish love. In fact, shared investments alone usually are the source of most conflicts between people, married or not.

Husbands Don’t Always Want To Do It Either

Believe it or not there are days when your husband wants nothing to do with you, as well. But they are days. Not months. Not years. I’m not suggesting you do something you can’t bring yourself to do, but also understand if you are married you committed to serve and love your spouse and vice versa, not yourself. You owe it to yourself for the sake of your own sexual health to consider working it out with your husband. Or, if necessary, seeking the assistance of a counselor. As an aside, I hope you loved yourself first before ever saying, “I do.”

Invest In Yourself By Investing In Your Marriage

This marriage stuff isn’t hard. It just takes work. And sometimes the work is hard, takes patience and certain degrees of mutual selflessness. It isn’t child’s play. So if you’re playing games, male or female, please stop. What you invest into, grows (for better or worse). What you ignore and neglect, withers and dies.

Love one another.

BMWK — Are you investing in your marriage?


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  • Tiya

    Great article with real talk!

  • Tykera

    I know this is against the grain and I totally agree with all that was said but what about that small percentage of marriages where the husband holds out on the wife? I know you addressed it here as days but what about the one who can go months without being intimate? Is it safe to say that he fits into the stereotypical mold of “cheating” or “being on the down low?” 9 times out of 10 it is the woman but there is still that one being the man.

    • Eric Payne

      I think in this instance what I wrote here is directly applicable to the man. This behavior of “holding out” isn’t gender specific by any means. Women do seem to be more outspoken about it.

      And I can’t say he’s cheating or down low as I have no idea. But as your husband he is cheating you of the love you should be receiving from him.

      Thanks for reading and I hope I answered your question.

    • Robert A. Moore

      Miss Tykera.I would like for you to know that there are men who have intimacy issues just like some women do.Some men don’t have a high sex drive as some others do.Cheating and the down low are definitely not always the situation.Some men are simply impotent and obviously terrified to tell their wives.Several years ago,I saw an episode of Dr. Phil where he had a married couple on with sexual problems.The woman was the one who wanted sex constantly whereas the man wasn’t interested in having sex nearly as much as his wife. This doesn’t happen often but with some couples it does.

    • nikia

      Because we all know the reason for lack of sex in marriage is because women hold it hostage. There are no legitimate reasons for why a woman may be unable to fulfill those needs. Not fatigue, chasing kids, career, being wife, mother, doctor, lawyer, housekeeper, soothesayer…..nothing.

  • Mike

    This was an great article. The truth is sex isn’t always just soley for a man to “get his” as some women would like to think. But it is a way to connect…especially when married. I think woman sometimes don’t realize how critical this is to a marriage. Its not solely about the sex but feeling loved, desired and connected to your spouse. So when the woman does choose to have this moment with her husband it should not be carried out grudgingly. How she feels matters to him. The lack of that connection from a mans ‘own’ woman, the one he TRULY desires can leave him feeling empty and inadequate. This is just the opinion of one man

  • LaToya

    I don’t understand why married women feel sex is off limits after marriage. That’s the time when you can enjoy it most. I remember my uncle told me sex is better after marriage. I didn’t understand then, but when I got married, I got what he was saying! In my last article, How to Enjoy your Marriage, sex was the third topic of discussion. Sex is important and wives should feel free to enjoy themselves with their husbands.

  • Martha

    I think that it is true and biblical that withholding sexual intimacy from your spouse is not the right way to behave. It is imperative that as women we honor our husbands and ourselves with our minds bodies and hearts. Sexual intimacy will oftentimes help to build a man up who is finding himself feeling beat up outside of the home or inside as well. Also when you are having trouble in your marriage it is helpful to remain connected physically because while it alone can not sustain your marriage it can at times be a ministry of love and service to each other and communicate what you can not always say with words.

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