Sometimes You Just Gotta Roll

BY: - 19 Apr '13 | Marriage

Share this article!

default_thumb

Growing up I was never the go with the flow type. I always asked questions. I wanted to know where we were going, why we were going, how long it was going to take to get there, and who would be there and so forth. The fact that my oldest is the same way shouldn’t surprise me, given I was doing the exact same thing 20 years ago. And here I am today, still asking a million questions, only this time, instead of asking my parents I ask my husband.

I think part of why I am this way is because I desperately want to be in control. After experiencing a period of time in my life when things were chaotic and out of control, I desperately wanted a life where things were predictable. If I knew what to expect, I could prepare to brace myself. Even the things that are good, such as surprises, kill me because I hate the unknown. But if life could be summed up in one word that word wouldn’t be predictable. It is far from that. No matter how hard you try to prepare or maintain control, life has a way of showing you, that in the midst of all your preparedness, life is happening and within a moment something can happen that can cause your plans to change. Something can come up and suddenly you are forced to change the direction you were headed. Sometimes you have to go with the flow.

I am learning that this applies to various aspects of my life, one of them being when it comes to my marriage. My most recent lesson was this week as my husband advised me that he wanted me to go with him to an event with his coworkers and he had already made arrangements with his mother to watch the children. Despite my belief that he has been blessed with an amazing group of coworkers my mind flooded with thoughts ranging from how can I leave my babies, I am not going to have time to clean up, your mom is watching the girls and I don’t want her to come over and the house is a mess, have you seen my hair, I have nothing to wear…the things I was stressing out about were all, for the most part, petty but tugging away at me and preventing me from simply saying “ok babe.” Words that I imagine would have been music to my husband’s ears.

It wasn’t until after I had stressed myself out trying to get ready and straighten up and pump breast milk that I remembered the conversation I had with my mom just hours before. I told her how excited my husband had seemed and how I felt like he was up to something. I had a feeling he was taking me on a date. He got up early and put the breast pump together for me before he left for work and he checked in with me to see how things were going. We are going to have a good night he said as he expressed his excitement over us going out. I of course went into some dialogue about the pile of laundry and dishes and work that had not been done and how the dog kept waking up the baby. He, however, remained happy and told me not to worry. It would be fine. The girls would be fine. I would be fine.

I thought about how each time he said he was excited I countered back with something I had to do, or a suggestion that we should stay home. I thought about how sometimes we complain when we feel like our spouses aren’t making enough effort.  And when they do, instead of showing excitement or appreciation, we drag our feet or spend all our time sweating the small stuff. I wonder what that did to his spirit when each time he said he was excited I grew quiet or told him how uncomfortable I have been in my own skin lately and that I would rather not go.

As we walked out the door headed to the car I decided it was time to just roll (better late than never right?). No more questions, no more stressing out about leaving my babies, no more obsessing over my clothes or hair. He was excited and that mattered.

I turned out to be right. He surprised me by taking me to a restaurant I had wanted to go to for the longest time. Earlier I had reflected on a time when he had tried to surprise me and I ruined it for him by being so negative. I ruined it because I couldn’t just roll. But on this night, we had a wonderful time and my husband seemed quite proud of his ability to plan a “surprise date” for us given we have only gone on a couple since our littlest arrived in August. I have such a hard time leaving my children, especially the baby, but I know it is important for my husband and I to have time together, just us.

Had I kept complaining or pushed the fact that I didn’t feel like going out I would have missed out on an opportunity for my husband to bless me. Because that is what he did. As much as I want to know everything, sometimes the details don’t matter all that much. Sometimes what is most important is simply the fact that you are with the person you love. Where we were going and what we were doing wasn’t as important as the fact that my husband wanted to have an evening with his wife by his side. An evening where my focus was on him and not on my to-do list, my outfit or our precious children, a night where my numerous questions were replaced with oks and conversation.

I know I will continue to be challenged with my desire to be “in the know;” however, going forward I will be making more of an effort to say yes and ok. I’m also going to make more of an effort to not focus so much on those minute things that, at the end of the day, are of little to no importance. Because sometimes, you just gotta roll.

BMWK — Do you ever struggle with asking lots of questions or being negative rather than simply rolling? How do you keep from letting the little things that are on your mind get in the way of you enjoying time with your spouse?

About the author

Krishann Briscoe wrote 32 articles on this blog.

Krishann Briscoe is a child welfare professional turned freelancer with a background in child and adolescent development and social work. In addition to authoring her personal blog His Mrs. Her Mr., Krishann is a contributor for Disney's Babble, The Conversation and The Conscious Perspective. Krishann resides in Southern California with her husband and their two daughters.

Store

like what you're reading?

Start Shopping!

Discussion

Facebook Wordpress

3 WordPress comments on “Sometimes You Just Gotta Roll

  1. SimpleighOrganized

    This article was an eye-opener for me. I also have a desire to know everything and I certainly don’t like surprises! (However, I love surprising other people! -Go figure) This article helped me realize that my need to know is probably coming from the feeling of uncertainty I experienced in my childhood. After reading this, I am now committed to allowing myself to “just roll” and allow things to happen in God’s way.

    1. Krishann

      Your comment made me smile because I am the same way — I like surprising people too despite not liking being surprised 🙂 Love that you are going to make more of an effort to allow things to happen God’s way!

Leave a Reply

Get
All Articles Delivered To Your Inbox Daily! Sign up below!

Does Separation Lead to Divorce?

BY: - 19 Apr '13 | Marriage

Share this article!

black-couple-upset1

Sometimes couples cannot find resolutions to issues they have in marriage and decide to separate from each other. Many times, couples go as far as getting a legal separation which allows them to legally live apart while keeping the marriage in existence. I think a couple should try marriage counseling before someone moves out of the house.  If after counseling a couple’s problems cannot be resolved, there needs to be a serious discussion about whether they need to stay married.  I believe couples should be careful about a separation because it leaves too many doors open that should remain closed. I’ve shared two major issues that can lead a couple from separation to divorce.

What’s behind door number one? Adultery.  When a couple is separated, one or both partners may feel they are free to have other relationships. This could be implied or stated by the couple. Even if the couple agrees to see other people while they are separated, adultery is still being committed.  But what if the couple states that the other is not to date and someone breaks that agreement? Not only has the trust been broken, but what if the wife gets pregnant by someone else or the husband gets someone else pregnant? The probability of divorce increases.

What’s behind door number two? Unsympathetic friends and family. There may be friends and family members that didn’t want the couple together to start with. Now they have the opportunity to pounce on the vulnerable spouse. They may tell the person that their spouse is unworthy and should proceed with divorce even if the person is not ready to take that step. The couple needs to be careful with information they share with friends and family especially if the friend and/or family member has no desire to encourage or be a source of support. What happens if the vulnerable couple allows a friend or family member to voice too much of a negative opinion about their spouse? The probability of divorce increases.

Separations may work for some couples if the time apart is brief. For some couples separation may be what keeps the marriage together. However, if a couple is not willing to work on the marriage and sees separation as a way to have a break from being married, their careless actions may come with harmful consequences.  If a couple chooses separation as a resource to work on their marriage, they should be upfront and honest about the expectations during the separation. Careful thought needs to be given to the decision because a separation can be a stepping stone to divorce.

BMWK – Do you think separation  can lead to divorce?

About the author

Latoya Irving wrote 93 articles on this blog.

Latoya Irving is a former Air Force brat who loves writing about relationships, and family. She believes God should be the center of both. She is married with two kids and currently live in Texas.

Store

like what you're reading?

Start Shopping!

Discussion

Facebook Wordpress