#StayWinning: 4 Ways Men Can “Win” In Their Marriages and Relationships

BY: - 16 Apr '13 | Marriage

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Sometimes as men we are willing to compete to score points in everything but our relationships. Well I think it’s about time we start scoring again! It’s one thing to be in relationships by way of title, but sometimes your woman is miserable in the relationship and she is just too scared to tell you because she knows how sensitive you are. With that said let’s, talk about how you can WIN in your relationship by way of the POINT SYSTEM! Come follow me!

Points are psychological, emotional, and physical investments that you make into your relationship. Over time these investments will mature and it will later give you more options. These options will allow you to eventually live the lifestyle every man dreams of; the one where his Queen is happy but he still has the freedom to be his own man and do man things with his boys.

1) NO points for obligations/responsibilities:

OK, how many times have you heard your parents say something like “ I always made sure you had food on your table and clothes on your back.” The first thing I think when I hear that is…thank you, but that’s what you were SUPPOSED to do.

I say that to say this…men tend to want credit and points for doing what they are SUPPOSED to do! You taking out the trash is what you are SUPPOSED to do. You making sure the yard is kept up, making sure your woman is safe and protected, that you are home at a decent time, that you are faithful…those are all things you are SUPPOSED to do.  Thus. you get NO points for doing them.

If you want points do something like…cook, wash her clothes, make sure the kids get a bath and get to bed at a decent time, change some diapers, and wash some dishes. Yes sir now you’re racking up points…oh and did I mention, do them all without her asking you to do them AND without throwing back in her face that you did them. Boy, boy, boy…I bet your woman is getting turned on right now as she reads this!

2) In the space or in the space:

The question you have to ask yourself is are you in the space, or are you IN the space? You see, just because you are at the house in presence doesn’t mean that she is getting the pleasure of enjoying your company. Between your TV, video games, Twitter, Facebook, texting, and work, you forgot about this thing called “quality time.”

example: If you are sitting on the couch on your computer and your woman comes over and lies up under you, that’s your woman’s sign that she wants some of your attention. At that point you have a few choices.

a) Shut the computer and show her some attention

b) Pull something up on the computer that both of y’all can both be engaged in. This ensures connectivity and also ensures that you are now IN the space.

The result will be…you guessed it…POINTS!!

What I’m saying is that it’s not good enough to just be in the space physically; you have to be IN the space mentally and emotionally also.

3) Get out of your comfort zone:

OK, this one has been hard for me to do.  But, for the sake of my wife and my relationship, I have learned how important it is. As men, we tend to get in a comfort zone and stay there, thus we never want to try anything different. That’s why you’re still taking her to the same restaurants, still won’t travel to anywhere different, still won’t go with her to places she wants to go to, and still having sex the same way you always do. This feeds into a woman’s natural fear of getting old and bored. I am not saying you have to like everything, but I am saying you have to be willing to just TRY something different sometimes.

Testimonial: I am a very structured person. Me and spontaneity don’t usually go well together.  And, it was starting to affect my relationship. Between my mirage of questions about, who, what, when, where, and how I would always take the fun out of anything my wife wanted to do. This was who I was until I had an epiphany one day. One day my wife out of the blue just said…”let’s go to Atlanta tomorrow.” My instinct was to ask a million questions, but instead this time I just took a deep breath and said “OK.” My wife nearly had a seizure because she couldn’t believe I just said “OK.” Her next words were, I don’t really want to go, but I’m happy just because you were willing to do it.”

You see that’s what we call INSTANT POINTS!! Sometimes no matter how hard it is to resist the temptation to ask a million questions or to say “no” if you just go with it sometimes and just TRY you will immediately accumulate points!

Your woman will know immediately if you like or hate something, but the fact that you tried will rack up points! I mean seriously, you want her to go to the game or watch the game with you, but you won’t go have sushi or go to that museum with her. Get out of your comfort zone and get into some points!

4) Forget date night

“Patterns” can be the root of all evil within the point system. If you take your lady out every Monday, over time – it just becomes “Monday” opposed to “date-night”. Spontaneity can cure this! Instead of drilling “date-night” down to one specific day, drill it down to specific weeks – make your lady stay on edge all week (psychologically – *notice the reoccurring theme) and strategically (when you know she will be available) call her the day of and tell her to be ready!

How do I ensure she’s available? MAKE HER AVAILABLE! If y’all have kids, quietly get the sitter…If there are errands to be ran – RUN ‘EM! Take her out, make her feel sexy without the pattern, and ultimately earn you a load of POINTS while increasing the magnitude & frequency of how sexy your lady feels about herself; which exposes you (as the man) to more “SEXINESS”. The point is fellas, if you do the same thing at the same time it gets you NO POINTS! If you mix it up, it gets you POINTS for WHAT you do, along with WHEN & HOW you do it at the same time!

The reality is this…I know a lot of people are reading this blog probably thinking “if it takes all of this I’m better off being single!” Just know that if you find somebody worth the effort then just look at this like a construction project and we are all a work in progress. The concepts seem easy, but applying them is the hard part. I’m married and I’m still struggling to gain POINTS! Do yourself a favor and just try to execute these items and see where it gets you. Over the next few weeks I will be launching more ideas that will help you gain points! Just stay tuned!

BMWK – Get involved in the conversation: What types of things do you do in your relationship to gain points?

About the author

Troy Spry wrote 225 articles on this blog.

Troy Spry a Certified Life, Dating, and Relationship Coach and the one and only "Reality Expert", resides in Charlotte, NC. He created his blog, Xklusive Thoughts, with the intent of putting out a very realistic perspective and using it as a vehicle for inspiration! He hopes to challenge people to think differently and inspire people to do and be better in relationships and in life!


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18 WordPress comments on “#StayWinning: 4 Ways Men Can “Win” In Their Marriages and Relationships

  1. Dasugo

    How you going to negate all my garbage collecting points? No points for keeping her protected? No points for being faithful??!! Nah man, I need my points for that.

    I will cede the In the space points. That is truff. However, i have tried sitting down to watch American idol and Dear Lord, it is torture. Dancing with the stars, the Voice and all it’s ilk annoy me. However my wife loves them. So now I should acquire points via torture? No thanks.

    Get out of MY comfort zone? HAH!!

    No more Date Night? What? I am TRYING to maintain date night and now you want me to just be swinging date night at the drop of a hat? man…

    1. Tea Todd

      Keep up with the stuff you saying and you wont have wife soon or you’ll have wife who is very unhappy in her marriage. Marriage is about sacrifice. I’m for sure its torture on your wife to wash your dirty underwear every weekend. But as a good wife we take care of our responsibilities around the house as should you as the man. So sacrificing a little time to watch her fav shows should be ok.

  2. Troy Spry

    Bibi I have a certification in life and relationship coaching, but I call myself a reality expert because I have extensive experience in being able to objectively look at situations and come to a conclusion based on facts and not feelings. Because I am not a therapist or counselor the way I coach depends on me being able to separate “what is” from what we feel. This is why I have been given the title of reality expert.

  3. Tea Todd

    This article was great. More husbands need to read this. I sometimes feel like husbands wants us to clap, applaud, and give praise for doing the necessary things (take trash out, pick up after themselves, etc). I agree husbands shouldn’t get any points but they shouldn’t be taken for granted either. Just like wives shouldn’t get any points for washing the clothes, but every once in a while if you see something needs to be done just do it, that will get you points.

    1. stephanieb

      I agree Tea, great article again Troy! And I too feel like men and women shouldn’t expect some sort of praise for doing things that they should already be doing. You get points for going above and beyond the call of duty, too bad many men and women don’t understand that. This article is a must read for married couples and those of us who are single too.

  4. Pingback: In The Review: You’re Not A Victim, You’re a Volunteer | From Ashy to Classy

  5. jones

    Well i wish it was that easy…but sum men have a pride issue and refuse to lower themselves to understand what their woman wants…..ive been married for 10 years and i cant communicate with my hubby cause he doesnt really want to understand me. Plus there is error on my part like i have been suffering from depression since the age of 12. I expect his help but he says i have to do it alone. I guess steps like these work only for people that care.

  6. Troy Spry

    Thanks Tea and Stephanie for your kinds words and I am glad that you enjoyed the article. Jones I truly empathize with your situation and I truly hope that it begins to get better. Maybe there needs to be some different approaches to communicating your needs and wants and also I hope that you have sought out some help from a professional counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist for your depression issues. Although I am not equipped to handle depression issues if you would like help with coaching I am more than happy to assist. Anyone that is interested please email me at xklusive5@gmail.com.

  7. Dallas

    #1 really inspired my frustration with this particular myth of a “healthy” relationship. I think it promotes the dysfunction that promotes distance, resentment, and the eventual abandonment of the marriage commitment. If we as men, shouldn’t get or expect “credit” for what we are “supposed to do”, why is acceptable for women to get “credit” for the things they are SUPPOSED to do? Why do women get to be the sole deciders of what each of us should and should not get credit for? While we’re at it, what’s this concept of credit in the first place? Are you trying to say it’s acceptable for a wife to intentionally neglect the needs of her husband because he hasn’t jumped through the required hoops? Tough sell, and I ain’t buyin’!
    Marriage is and should be a commitment to the needs of another in order to improve and strengthen the whole (not just the ones you feel like meeting). If you and your spouse can depend on each other to do what is necessary to meet the needs of the other, there is no need for a “credit” system. Being committed to the needs of the other is a self perpetuating process. I think it’s what truly encourages reciprocation, but only if both parties are equally as committed to meeting the needs of the other. The commitment must be shown through ACTION, not words.
    Women get to be “too tired” for sex because of all the things they “have to do because if I don’t, they won’t get done”. Sounds like a fancy and punitive way of saying “I should get credit for all the things I do and use them as justification to ignore your needs.” No good in my book. If you have needs that aren’t being met, COMMUNICATE them to your mate, and trust that he/she will meet them. Neglecting your commitment to meeting his/her needs in response to unfulfilled needs of your own is just wrong.

  8. Troy Spry

    Dallas I appreciate your comments and I can see your point of view, but I believe that maybe there is a disconnect between my point of the article and what you actually took from it. The point “system” wasn’t to be taken in literal terms but it was merely a means of giving some ideas about doing some things differently in your relationship, that could maybe decrease some of the monotany and complacency. I agree that women should also hold up there end of the bargain, but this article wasn’t written to address women, thus the reason I didn’t include that point of view. Women don’t get a pass on this concept that I am speaking of, but it would take another article to address it. I am not trying to devalue the day to day roles that we fulfill in a marriage, but my point is simply do something outside of the normal roles and routines and you might find that it adds something to the relationship. Thanks!

  9. Joao

    No points for doing what we are expected? Well, if marriage mirrors Christ’s relationship with the Church, I’m afraid it’s the wife who has to change. We are all candidates to useless servants, but Christ will nonetheless acknowledge and reward us for doing our duties.

    Everyone, be it husband or wife, needs to be affirmed and acknowledged. I understand your point, we need to go further and do the unexpected, the unasked for, the plus. But surely spouses need to recognize each others’ virtues.

  10. karen

    My husband and I use the point system this way: I tell him he picked up points every time he does something that makes me feel pleased (no matter what it is: dishes, laundry, taking out the trash without being asked, etc.) and in exchange I guarantee there are points in the bank to cover when he does something wrong. For example, he forgets to do something he promised? When he says, “Don’t I have enough points to cover this?” it makes me think about things he’s done which gave me that sense of being cherished, and although he’s cleaned out the whole bank of points a few times with one really big goof-up, when he invokes the point system, there are always enough points to cover it. That’s the deal. He focuses on accumulating them, and he gets the guarantee I will never hold a grudge if he blows it. Works well for us. 😉

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How The Dreaded “Money Talk” Actually Made Our Marriage Stronger

BY: - 17 Apr '13 | Marriage

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Saturdays are our days for connection. We chill, cuddle, and get some of the heavy cleaning out the way early in the day. But one particular Saturday, while I was lying on the couch, my husband came beside me and said, “Mami, we gotta talk about money.”

A couple of weeks ago, we had spent a weekend in DC where we encountered some financial friction which I thought we had overcome.

“Is this about you using my credit card to buy gas?” I asked.

“Yes and no. I think we have been living like roommates financially and I hate having to ask you to “repay” me for something since we are a family, but I need that money. I have been dipping into my savings to cover some of the bills!” he said matter-of-factly.

“Dang, Daddy” I replied, “but do you remember when I suggested that we NOT spilt the bills equally?—that we find a fairer system to attack our expenses since there have been changes in both our expenses and incomes.”

After some spreadsheets, talking, and reflection, we both agreed that we would each put 48% of our incomes into our joint electronic savings accounts to pay for items considered “shared expenditure.” This set-up would help us start thinking of household bills and expenses as ours, lighten the financial burden from my husband, and free me from feeling that I “owe” my husband money—which is a concept that I abhor.

So, in addition to developing a household budget, our Saturday morning money talk taught me so much more about communication, the kind of marriage I was co-creating, and myself. Here is how we created financial peace in the house and made us even closer.

Plan Around Current Financial Realities Not Former Realities or Wannabe Ones

When my husband and I were engaged, we talked about our views about money, savings, and how money would be used to fund our entrepreneurial endeavors and love of travel. We bought the book, 100 Hard Questions, where one section, dedicated to finances, helped us deepen our thinking about money in global sense. I am very thankful for this process, but it could not prepare us for the financial realities of life.

Once we married and moved to a new apartment, my husband was not only paying more for rent but his new commute now demanded that he also pay tolls. Around the time of our marriage, I had sold my car, received a promotion, and finished paying off my costly student loans. So, my husband lost money by way of moving and commuting while I had an increase in income, not just because of the salary increase, but because I no longer paid for gas, insurance, or my student loan payments.

Use Technology To Create a Clear Picture of What is Going On In Your Family Cookie Jar

We used Excel to create spreadsheets that highlighted our fixed expenses and our temporary expenses. More specifically, we used one color for fixed costs and another for temporary costs. What was great to see that several of the items we currently have to pay for like our couch and car will be done in a couple of years and items like car insurance (God-willing), will go down as well.

In addition, we finally updated our joint electronic savings accounts so we could make good use of online banking. This makes attending to financial matters extremely convenient and fosters collaboration since it can be done at home when we are both available.

We even used the site creditkarma.com to compare our credit scores from TransUnion as to be comprehensive and thorough, especially since one of our next steps is homeownership.

Be Kind and Solution-oriented

Talking about money gets easier the more practice you have. Our money talk went smoothly because we tried to be solution-oriented, not drama-seekers. As far as my husband was concerned, his problems included:

  • having to use his savings to cover monthly expenses
  • feeling guilty about asking for repayment
  • and feeling like we were financially separate.

My issues included:

  • never wanting to feel like I “owe” my husband
  • not knowing the extent to which the household expenses were not equitably distributed
  • and overall lack of knowledge about my husband’s financial specifics.

Together with a focus, we ended our money conversation with a clear plan of attack. When our financial situations change (and I am sure that they will), we will use a similar system to uncover what best works for the family’s financial well-being.

BMWK Family: What are “money talks” like with your spouse? How, if at all, do these “money talks” lead to financial intimacy and financial closeness?

About the author

Kara Stevens wrote 142 articles on this blog.

Kara is a motivational speaker, life coach, and founder of the personal finance and lifestyle blog The Frugal Feminista .


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