To Marry or Not to Marry…That is The Question!

BY: - 30 Apr '13 | Marriage

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“Sometimes it’s our fear of failure driving us more than our lack of desire.” This was the conclusion of one my inspirational social media motivational messages, but it may not be about what you think. No, I’m not talking about being afraid to chase your dream or start your own business. What I’m talking about is the fear that so many people have about entering into the covenant of marriage. It’s funny how marriage can be so beautiful, but as a society we have made it so ugly for so many people. Let’s talk about it…come follow me!

The more I coach clients about life and love, the more patterns I begin to see.  At least once a week, I will speak with a client that is at a crossroads in their romantic relationships. They are at the intersection of what they feel, the “I want to be married,” and what they hear, the “don’t get married because it never works.”

I think back to my journey towards marriage and honestly sometimes I can’t blame them; these two thoughts could not be any further away from each other and it’s hard to figure out which direction to go. I mean think about it…if you grow up in a home where neither your parents ever got married, or if they were married it was far from a positive or pleasant experience, you may have a cloudy vision of what a successful marriage should be. Perhaps your parents argued every day and fought every night.   Maybe Dad never hugged or kissed Mom and you rarely ever heard him tell her “I love you.”  And, maybe all Mom ever did was tell you about how bad Dad was. Or, maybe Mom had been married and divorced a few times leaving you with twp different step dads, none of whom ever treated her like the queen she was. Another situation: maybe Dad cheated on Mom or Mom cheated on Dad and as a result you were cheated out of a positive example of what a “good” marriage is supposed to look like.

Do any Google query and there are many examples and statistics that could make you fearful of marriage. However, be mindful that there are many examples and statistics that should encourage you as well. Here’s one I hear thrown around more often than I like to hear, that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Ouch! But let’s get some silver lining in these dark clouds. Dig a little deeper, and we can find this statistic. Men that are married are 135% more likely to report a higher happiness score than single men. I won’t dive too much into stats because they can always be debated, but I would challenge you to focus on writing your own story in life and in love.

Don’t let the “bad’ things that you hear, see or read deter you from finding the beauty that lies within the covenant of a beautiful marriage. Instead of being afraid to fail at and in it, be determined to succeed at it! When you find the person that you know, feel and desire to be “the one” don’t let the negativity of others fester in your head. Instead of looking at your parents’ bad relationship as your only example, seek out some people that are actually happily married. Stop treating marriage like products and deciding not to buy just because you read one bad review online. If you haven’t noticed, when people are bitter or upset about something it’s easy to share it with the world, but when they are happy you won’t always hear about how good things are. Instead of fearing the potential failure, invest with all you have and put in the effort to be the example that you may not have had! I’m not saying that marriage is for everyone, but what I am saying is don’t allow the story of your parents or your friends to stop you from writing your story…one that could be a fairy-tale in the face of others that have been nightmares.

In every other facet of  life we love to claim to be leaders and not followers…so my question then is…why in the case of marriage should it be any different? Don’t let the misery of others make you miss out on the potential happiness that can belong to you and the one you opt to spend the rest of your forever with. Allow a healthy marriage to be the foundation for you and your family’s future. Believe it or not there is somebody watching you and they are hoping you succeed because they subconsciously want permission to hit play instead of stop!

BMWK Family –  get involved in the conversation. Was there someone or a couple who either discouraged you or encouraged you about the idea of marriage?

About the author

Troy Spry wrote 182 articles on this blog.

Troy Spry a Certified Life, Dating, and Relationship Coach and the one and only "Reality Expert", resides in Charlotte, NC. He created his blog, Xklusive Thoughts, with the intent of putting out a very realistic perspective and using it as a vehicle for inspiration! He hopes to challenge people to think differently and inspire people to do and be better in relationships and in life!

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4 WordPress comments on “To Marry or Not to Marry…That is The Question!

  1. Jalisa

    Thank you so much for this powerful message.Some of the things that you mentioned can scare you away from marriage,but marriage can be simply wonderful with a little imagination and alot of work.I can definitely relate Thanks again for the article.

  2. TaLeshea

    Call me a coward. This is a beautiful article that I will share with those desiring marriage one day. This topic just keeps coming up in my world but 15 years divorced later, I honestly don’t have the courage to step back out there. I do enjoy reading your articles though and share them with my other friends and couples because I sincerely want their relationships to thrive. Thank you.

  3. Troy Spry Post author

    Thank You Jalisa and TaLeshea for taking the time to read the article! I truly hope that people can see the beauty in marriage and begin to write their own story instead of listening to the negative ones they hear! I had a young lady tell me yesterday that this article helped change her perspective after hearing her friends talk so negatively about their failed marriages. I hope this article can change many more perspectives as well. Please share and continue to check out more of my work by liking my page at http://www.thefacebook.com/xklusivethoughts

    Teleshea I truly hope that you decide to give love another try. The topic keeps coming up in your world for a reason, it might be time to start listening! If you are ever interested in some coaching please contact me at xklusive5@gmail.com

  4. Chomeka

    I’m just reading this article as the link was posted in Twitter. Thank you so much for writing it. I am very positive towards the idea of marrying again. I come from a healthy two parent home and am surrounded by positive married couples and hopeful singles, so no negativity on the topic. I think my issue right now is staying encouraged in this “waiting period” for the right one. The statistics and the negative dating experiences can really weigh heavy on you at times to make you ask, is he out there anywhere?? I trust God with everything in me and use this time to work on me and enjoy his many blessings in my life. The word of God and positive influences in my circle keep me going strong in my faith and encouraged that love will find me again and will be the most positive, wonderful experience ever.

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The Busy Body vs. The Home Body: Which One are You Married To?

BY: - 1 May '13 | Marriage

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Often times in marriage, your differences speak louder than the things you have in common. She likes to spoon at night, and you want your space. You’re cold all of the time and he’s on a never-ending African safari. And then there’s the BIG one: you like to stay on the go and a perfect day for him is exploring the depths of ESPN’s best programming from his favorite recliner. In other words; one of you is a home body and the other is a busy body. With one spouse that’s always on the go and other one that loves to be at home, it can prove difficult to find a balance between these two key differences.

Here are a few quick tips that work for us and may work for you, too!

Give each other space. Let your spouse be who they are. If he or she likes quiet weekends, doing things around the house, understand that that’s totally okay! Once I realized that my husband actually liked being at home most of the time (I’m the busy body in this equation!), it made me feel less guilty about occasionally doing things without him. You don’t have to be joined at the hip!

Plan things to do (for each other). Nothing says “I appreciate you” more than planning a date. This could mean ordering take out and queuing up Netflix (if your spouse is a home body) or a fun night out salsa dancing (if your spouse is busy body). Showing interest in the things that makes your spouse happy, even if it’s not your “thing” always goes a long way.

Give the gift of choice. This has the most to do with communication. I usually talk to my husband before I commit to any plans, and I make sure to ask him if he’d like to attend certain things with me. This helps him feel less obligated to do things or go places with me that he’s not interested in. Conversely, he’ll ask me if I’d like to go out instead of staying home on some weekends. We both appreciate having options!

Make it a joint effort: To keep my husband in the loop about things with our social calendar, I hung a dry erase board in our office that lists upcoming social engagements. This way he can see what’s going on throughout the month, without me having to remind him all the time. Moreover, he feels less thrown into things and can adjust his schedule accordingly. He eventually started to update the board as well, which showed me that this was helpful and that he wanted to take part in the process.

As with everything, it all comes back to how you communicate with your spouse to both connect and better understand them. Remember to accept your mate for who they are and always make an effort to show them that what’s important to them is important to you!

 

Amber L. Wright, M.A. is a writer, blogger, and Communication Coach & Consultant. She writes content geared toward helping others improve their communication skills – from the boardroom to the bedroom, on her website, www.talktoamber.com.

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BMWK Staff wrote 1156 articles on this blog.

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