10 Reasons You Need to GET OUT of a Bad Marriage

BY: - 13 May '13 | Marriage

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I know what you are probably thinking: “Ronnie, you and Lamar have made it your mission to support relationships and marriage. And, relationships are not perfect, they have their ups and their downs…their ebbs and flows. So why in the world would you tell someone to get out?”

And here is what I say to that: Lamar and I want everyone to be empowered with the right tools that will enable them to have healthy unions and to be able to face every storm or trial that comes their way. We believe that you should have thriving relationships, and not just relationships that are simply surviving. And while every relationship goes through it’s trials, there is a big difference between a bad spell and a 5, 10, or 20 year period of suffering  arguing, fighting and just all out dysfunction.

Lamar and I get letters, almost daily, from people that are hurting. And they are staying in marriages, for 15 to 20 years or more, with a spouse that is a serial cheater, or that is verbally or physically abusive. These people in are relationships with no intimacy, no affection, and no cohesion. And, they are writing to us because they don’t know what to do next.

And my answer to them is, GET OUT. But wait…GET OUT does not necessarily mean leaving the marriage. To me, getting out means doing what ever you need to do to move your relationship from it’s current state. And for some people…this may mean getting out literally  But for others, it may mean taking the necessary actions to make some changes. Either way, you can not afford to continue to live in your current circumstances.

Click here to see  10 reasons why you need to GET OUT:

About the author

Ronnie Tyler wrote 484 articles on this blog.

Ronnie Tyler is the co-creator of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com and co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing. The proud mom of 4 has been selected by Parenting Magazine as a Must-Read Mom and is one of Babble's Top 100 Mom Bloggers.

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Does Your Spouse Have Room to Breathe? Remember, He/She Needs Space

BY: - 14 May '13 | Marriage

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When I was a teenager, and in my first relationship, I found myself completely inspired by the wisdom contained in the lyrics of an En Vogue song. “Hold On” discussed exactly how one ought to show up in a relationship, especially in one worth keeping. Complaining and failing to provide our partners space could possibly steer our relationship in the wrong direction. Listening to the lyrics below reminded us all of just how to “hold on” to our love.

“Oooh, my first mistake was
I wanted too much time
I had to have him morning, noon, and night
If, I would of known then
The things that I know now
I might not have lost the time I complained about”
And the other verse of this song speaking volumes to women everywhere was:

“Give, him love everyday
Remember he needs space
Be patient and he’ll give his heart to you”

Although the words above are from a woman’s perspective, they are universal and could apply to any individual. These lyrics, along with the teachings of my mother, spoke to me and aided me in future relationships. Space, I realized was very important. Because it always felt great to have my own “me time” it made sense a potential mate would desire the same. A relationship shouldn’t consume me nor should I be so needy as to want all of my partner’s time. There is a life outside of every relationship and it ought to be lived and enjoyed.
This topic recently resurfaced with a recent comment from a reader who shared the following:

” And always give one another room to breathe. May God bless us all in our relationships and in every area of our lives. He is our Center and Beloved Savior”

Yes, room to breathe, space and alone time are necessary. I’ve previously mentioned the importance of not losing ourselves in marriage and appearing too needy to our partners. I don’t know what I would do or how I would show up in my marriage if there wasn’t time just for me. In my opinion, smothering, questioning our spouse’s every move and not allowing him/her to go anywhere without us, just isn’t healthy. It’s stressful to both partners and displays a level of distrust. In the long run, it causes regrets and resentment, which both lead to more serious relationship issues. We must be willing to trust and allow our partners to have a life outside of us. Of course we can still be their best friend, but it also feels good when they can maintain healthy connections with others.

If it’s been a while since you’ve listened to that En Vogue song, or if it’s completely new to you, give it a play. “Hold On” is a great expression of the space we all need in our relationships.

BMWK, does your spouse have room to breathe?

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 574 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit www.thelifeandlovecoach.com and www.theboldersister.com.

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