You Love Your Spouse, But Do You Still Like Your Spouse?

BY: - 29 Jul '13 | Marriage

Share this article!

TNMCoupleHugSecret

One day, my wife Tanya asked me “do you still love me?” And I replied, “of course I love you. You’re my wife, the mother of my daughter, we’ve been married 12+ years…yes, of course I love you. Now the question you need to be asking me is “do I like you?”

It’s funny how relationships come 360 degrees huh? Wasn’t it back in kindergarten and first grade when you were asking someone do they like you? Or telling your parents that you liked someone? It wasn’t about love, it wasn’t about are we compatible, you simply liked them and that was good enough. And that “like” seems to be missing in a lot of marriages, nowadays. I’ve asked some of my peoples who are divorced or separated do they still love their ex and most of them said that they still love them or still “have love for them” but they just can’t stand to be around them for more than a minute! So somewhere along the line we traded that umph of liking someone for the umph of loving them. Cause by the time you get to high school, that “like” just doesn’t have the same meaning it had to it back in the day. At that point it’s ALL about saying “I love you” and I guess this is where everything changes. So from high school on, all we’re focused on as a couple is love and we neglect the “like” part of our relationships but what I’ve realized is, the “like” is the glue that’s holds our marriages together.

So why do we lose the “like” in our marriages? Well, one key reason we lose it because real life happens. When you have both people working 9-5’s picking up the kids up, helping with homework, having the kids in football, cheerleading, soccer, karate, girl scouts, boy scouts, etc. (it TRULY amazes me that there are that many things for kids to get into) at the end of the day you’re beat and don’t have anytime for some fun with your spouse! And if we don’t plan to have some quality time with each other, that friendship (which is basically what that “like” represents) starts to fade away and next thing you know, you prefer doing more and more stuff without your spouse.

About two years ago me and Tee were talking about how our marriage wasn’t the same and how things just didn’t seem to be that great between us and next thing we know the blizzard of 2010 hits and we got snowed in and our jobs were closed. But Nay’s day care was still open so we took her (her day care was in walking distance of the crib) and me and Tee had a BALL for 4 straight days! We had sex, watched movies, had more sex, laughed and joked, played the wii and other board games and had more sex! And that made us both realize that there wasn’t anything wrong with us, it was just life had gotten in the way of us having fun. When were we gonna have time to have all of this fun and sex with our normal schedule? And the answer was, we weren’t gonna have the time and just like Mobb Deep said that’s “the start of your ending.”

Nowadays, me and Tee shoot for anytime to get some “like” time in. Whether it’s us sitting on the couch catching one of the many shows we watch together (Key and Peele, 1st Take, Love & Hip Hop Atlanta…don’t judge me. After working with 20+ teenagers from the hood I need something to laugh at) or watching a movie to us just playing some classic slow jams from the 80’s and listen to my wife sing. (Tee has a beautiful voice) We’ve realized from that snow storm experience that if we don’t make the time to spend quality time with each other, we’ll be fooled into thinking that we just don’t have “it” anymore when nothing could be further from the truth. So I wonder how many other marriages out there thought they lost “it” but it was really just life getting in the way.

So ya’ll already know what my challenge is for ya’ll this week right? I want everyone (including myself) to put aside some time this week to have some fun with your spouse. Whether that’s going to target and buying some old school board games or breaking out Madden or NBA 2K13 for the PS3/Xbox to watching a good comedy or getting a baby sitter for the kids and enjoying a night out without having to look at the kid’s menu for once. And I guarantee you that if ya’ll make time to laugh with your spouse on a regular basis, bet money that you’ll enjoy your marriage that much more!

BMWK – Do you like your spouse? If not, what do you plan to do about it?

About the author

Rahaman "Kil" Kilpatrick wrote 27 articles on this blog.

Rahaman "Kil" Kilpatrick is a relationship coach, producer, writer, photographer, director and co-creator of Marriage Exposed. He has been married 13 years to his beautiful wife Tanya and they have a beautiful daughter together, Naomi. Through Marriage Exposed & coaching couples with Dr. Roz, Kil encourages people to always continue to fight for their marriages and relationships.

Store

like what you're reading?

Start Shopping!

Discussion

Facebook Wordpress

7 WordPress comments on “You Love Your Spouse, But Do You Still Like Your Spouse?

  1. Carmen

    Awesome so true. I believe that me and the hubby need that alone time. Because with kids and everyday life we tend to get caught up in the flow of everyday living except appreciating from the love , time, intimacy, affection etc.Great post thank you.

  2. Cynthia

    Great post. I have said this many times. I practically beg my husband for a date night, but he won’t do it. There have been times that he did something ‘off’ and he asked me if I still love him. I keep telling him that I don’t turn off my love like that. I love him very much, but sometimes I really, really don’t like him. We have 3 boys (9, 6, 5 months) and I have had several health issues lately, but that is not an excuse to lose ‘us’. When I mention it to him, he gets defensive and we end up spending even less quality time together.

    1. Superwife

      Miss Cynthia – you need to take control of this as best you can. Here’s a few tips: a) get out from under parenthood on the regular. Find a babysitter or friend or relative who can take all three kids regularly (once a month is a good start – preferably on a Saturday) and create your own date nite.
      b) I know this is hard – but go back to sending your husband loving/sexy text messages once or twice a day. This will help him to be more excited to see you when he gets home.
      c) write him love letters and put them in his lunch, briefcase or send them to his e-mail account.
      d) carve out some “me” time for yourself – it will release the pressure of feeling like your spouse isn’t hearing your plea for attention right now.
      e) go to counseling for yourself, by yourself. If you work outside the home – see if your employer offers free counseling via EAP.

      Wish you the best.

      1. Cynthia

        Thank you for your reply. I will definitely try these tips. We are blessed to have my Mom not too far away, so finding a babysitter is not a problem (unless they had a disagreement recently). I have a very demanding full-time job that I will be starting back at on Tuesday. It will be more difficult to get time together, but I believe we have to make time or everything will unravel and we will lose ‘us’.

  3. Heath Wiggins

    That’s on point B. I’m jive-like need to do the same thing with my spouse. I do make time as soon as I get home from work (she gets home before I do). We take time to catch up and talk about our days while I heat up dinner. I like that time. That’s our special time that we spend together before we break the huddle and go to our respective corners – and do our evening activities…me – write for my website…she…whatever she does that night. Good article.

Leave a Reply

Get
All Articles Delivered To Your Inbox Daily! Sign up below!

Getting Re-Married? 3 Factors that Could Lead to Re-Divorce

BY: - 29 Jul '13 | Marriage

Share this article!

TNMWeddingBride

Lamar and I are shooting our 5th documentary film and the topic is Blended Families.  This topic is near and dear to our hearts because we have a blended family.  I had two children from a previous relationship when Lamar and I met, and then we had two more kids after we got married.  And what we’ve found out is that our family structure is  not so un-common as 1/3 of all Americans find themselves in some type of step-family relationship – step-parent, step-child, or step-sibling.

But since blended families are so prevalent, how come everyone  is so surprised by the challenges that they face after getting married?  And when I say everyone….I am including myself in that.  In interviewing the couples for our film, I heard terms like “blind-sided” “sucker punched” and “unprepared” for problems that surfaced after wedding day.  And unfortunately, most families are not able to survive with over 60% of  re-marriages ending in divorce.  And if the re-marriage involves children, then the likelihood of divorce increases.

I was at a marriage conference a few weeks back, and Dr. Gary Chapman- marriage guru and author of The Five Love Languages, gave us 3 factors that lead to re-divorce:

  • Factor #1 – The Children – not realizing how the kids are adjusting…..and the inability to be empathetic with the kids. To be honest, if I had to do it all again, I would have talked with my kids more before getting married…rather than assume.  I assumed that things were “hunky dory” because everyone got along while Lamar and I were dating.  But dating and being married and living together are very different things.  And talking to your kids first about their feelings and about what is going to happen in the blended family will help to start you off in the right direction.  And don’t be afraid to hear from your kids that they don’t want you to get married.  If anything, you should be glad that your kids are sharing their true feelings because now you will be able to address their concerns.

Click here to read more factors that lead to re-divorce and what you can do about it…….. 3 Things You Should Know Before Getting Married Again, Blended Family Challenges

Then come back and share with us tips or resources that you have used to help your family overcome challenges.

Click here for more Blended Family articles on BMWK.

About the author

Ronnie Tyler wrote 480 articles on this blog.

Ronnie Tyler is the co-creator of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com and co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing. The proud mom of 4 has been selected by Parenting Magazine as a Must-Read Mom and is one of Babble's Top 100 Mom Bloggers.

Store

like what you're reading?

Start Shopping!

Discussion

Facebook Wordpress