You Love Your Spouse, But Do You Still Like Your Spouse?

BY: - 29 Jul '13 | Marriage

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One day, my wife Tanya asked me “do you still love me?” And I replied, “of course I love you. You’re my wife, the mother of my daughter, we’ve been married 12+ years…yes, of course I love you. Now the question you need to be asking me is “do I like you?”

It’s funny how relationships come 360 degrees huh? Wasn’t it back in kindergarten and first grade when you were asking someone do they like you? Or telling your parents that you liked someone? It wasn’t about love, it wasn’t about are we compatible, you simply liked them and that was good enough. And that “like” seems to be missing in a lot of marriages, nowadays. I’ve asked some of my peoples who are divorced or separated do they still love their ex and most of them said that they still love them or still “have love for them” but they just can’t stand to be around them for more than a minute! So somewhere along the line we traded that umph of liking someone for the umph of loving them. Cause by the time you get to high school, that “like” just doesn’t have the same meaning it had to it back in the day. At that point it’s ALL about saying “I love you” and I guess this is where everything changes. So from high school on, all we’re focused on as a couple is love and we neglect the “like” part of our relationships but what I’ve realized is, the “like” is the glue that’s holds our marriages together.

So why do we lose the “like” in our marriages? Well, one key reason we lose it because real life happens. When you have both people working 9-5’s picking up the kids up, helping with homework, having the kids in football, cheerleading, soccer, karate, girl scouts, boy scouts, etc. (it TRULY amazes me that there are that many things for kids to get into) at the end of the day you’re beat and don’t have anytime for some fun with your spouse! And if we don’t plan to have some quality time with each other, that friendship (which is basically what that “like” represents) starts to fade away and next thing you know, you prefer doing more and more stuff without your spouse.

About two years ago me and Tee were talking about how our marriage wasn’t the same and how things just didn’t seem to be that great between us and next thing we know the blizzard of 2010 hits and we got snowed in and our jobs were closed. But Nay’s day care was still open so we took her (her day care was in walking distance of the crib) and me and Tee had a BALL for 4 straight days! We had sex, watched movies, had more sex, laughed and joked, played the wii and other board games and had more sex! And that made us both realize that there wasn’t anything wrong with us, it was just life had gotten in the way of us having fun. When were we gonna have time to have all of this fun and sex with our normal schedule? And the answer was, we weren’t gonna have the time and just like Mobb Deep said that’s “the start of your ending.”

Nowadays, me and Tee shoot for anytime to get some “like” time in. Whether it’s us sitting on the couch catching one of the many shows we watch together (Key and Peele, 1st Take, Love & Hip Hop Atlanta…don’t judge me. After working with 20+ teenagers from the hood I need something to laugh at) or watching a movie to us just playing some classic slow jams from the 80’s and listen to my wife sing. (Tee has a beautiful voice) We’ve realized from that snow storm experience that if we don’t make the time to spend quality time with each other, we’ll be fooled into thinking that we just don’t have “it” anymore when nothing could be further from the truth. So I wonder how many other marriages out there thought they lost “it” but it was really just life getting in the way.

So ya’ll already know what my challenge is for ya’ll this week right? I want everyone (including myself) to put aside some time this week to have some fun with your spouse. Whether that’s going to target and buying some old school board games or breaking out Madden or NBA 2K13 for the PS3/Xbox to watching a good comedy or getting a baby sitter for the kids and enjoying a night out without having to look at the kid’s menu for once. And I guarantee you that if ya’ll make time to laugh with your spouse on a regular basis, bet money that you’ll enjoy your marriage that much more!

BMWK – Do you like your spouse? If not, what do you plan to do about it?


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  • Carmen

    Awesome so true. I believe that me and the hubby need that alone time. Because with kids and everyday life we tend to get caught up in the flow of everyday living except appreciating from the love , time, intimacy, affection etc.Great post thank you.

  • Cynthia

    Great post. I have said this many times. I practically beg my husband for a date night, but he won’t do it. There have been times that he did something ‘off’ and he asked me if I still love him. I keep telling him that I don’t turn off my love like that. I love him very much, but sometimes I really, really don’t like him. We have 3 boys (9, 6, 5 months) and I have had several health issues lately, but that is not an excuse to lose ‘us’. When I mention it to him, he gets defensive and we end up spending even less quality time together.

    • Superwife

      Miss Cynthia – you need to take control of this as best you can. Here’s a few tips: a) get out from under parenthood on the regular. Find a babysitter or friend or relative who can take all three kids regularly (once a month is a good start – preferably on a Saturday) and create your own date nite.
      b) I know this is hard – but go back to sending your husband loving/sexy text messages once or twice a day. This will help him to be more excited to see you when he gets home.
      c) write him love letters and put them in his lunch, briefcase or send them to his e-mail account.
      d) carve out some “me” time for yourself – it will release the pressure of feeling like your spouse isn’t hearing your plea for attention right now.
      e) go to counseling for yourself, by yourself. If you work outside the home – see if your employer offers free counseling via EAP.

      Wish you the best.

      • Cynthia

        Thank you for your reply. I will definitely try these tips. We are blessed to have my Mom not too far away, so finding a babysitter is not a problem (unless they had a disagreement recently). I have a very demanding full-time job that I will be starting back at on Tuesday. It will be more difficult to get time together, but I believe we have to make time or everything will unravel and we will lose ‘us’.

  • Superwife

    Thank you for writing this from the husband’s viewpoint.

  • Heath Wiggins

    That’s on point B. I’m jive-like need to do the same thing with my spouse. I do make time as soon as I get home from work (she gets home before I do). We take time to catch up and talk about our days while I heat up dinner. I like that time. That’s our special time that we spend together before we break the huddle and go to our respective corners – and do our evening activities…me – write for my website…she…whatever she does that night. Good article.

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