Why I Believe that Soul Mates Don’t Exist

BY: - 27 Sep '13 | Marriage

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Recently I’ve had more than one conversation or debate about finding your soul mate and whether most people were actually waiting for “the one.” I personally hope that most people aren’t waiting around for their soul mate, because I don’t believe that soul mates exist.

Now I will readily admit, I am not always the most romantic lady in the room. I will take a thriller over a fairy tale any day of the week.  But outside of what we see in fairy tales, I don’t believe there’s any real basis for the idea of “soul mates” as we’ve come to define it in the present day. The idea that there is one individual on this planet who is going to be completely compatible with you in every single area of life is not Biblical, it has no root in psychology, and it is, quite frankly, something we as a society just made up.

I’m not talking about this today to try and crush romantic dreams. I’m saying it because the belief that there is a “one” with whom everything just clicks, I believe, is part of the reason behind the failure of a lot of relationships. Human beings are not magical keys sculpted to open your specific heart lock. And even if upon meeting one another you snap together like LEGOs, those compatible parts shift and change. The idea that there is a pre-destined person with whom it is supposed to “just work” is one way that we absolve ourselves of the doing the thing that is just as important as finding the one: doing the work.

How often do we see those people who had found “the one” and had met their “soul mate” only to be getting divorced a few years later because of irreconcilable differences? What happened? Did they find the wrong one? Or did they just do the wrong work?

It takes work to build a level of trust with someone who may not meet every item on a list of criteria, but is willing to accept you with your flaws and see who you are as a human being. It takes time and flexibility to build and maintain compatibility with someone who may not agree with you on everything, but can look into the future and share a greater vision for your lives.

Soul mates aren’t born, they’re created.

Instead of believing that meeting that “one” is what determines whether or not a relationship will last forever, we need to think harder about how we will create that forever in our relationships.

BMWK – Do you believe in soul mates? 

About the author

Aja Dorsey Jackson wrote 204 articles on this blog.

Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and marriage educator in Baltimore, Maryland and author of the blog and book, Making Love in the Microwave.

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6 WordPress comments on “Why I Believe that Soul Mates Don’t Exist

  1. Pingback: Just A Thought…”Why I Believe that Soul Mates Don’t Exist” | The Misadventures of Ms. Not-Right-Now

  2. Tamiko S. Hobbs

    I follow our website and I love reading your stories and see positive images of black couples real black couples but I have question and it just read your article on Why I believe my soul mate does not exist. I found it very interesting and true. But now days dating is so via media that you just can not find that guy or woman at coffee or stores anymore and if you do they more scared to talk to you then you do them. I am single and my children think I will never get married because I am 40 and I ways tell them if i do it is okay if I do I still okay. Dating is media now so tell me how can 40 women get back into dating without all media drama?

  3. Lorraine Govan

    For the first time this year my husband gave me a card that said I was his soul mate. I was surprised coming from him because he is not the sentimental romantic time. It really touched my heart and I loved the idea. The reason is, my husband and I are like night and day. However, love each other very much. He have learned to compromise and love each with our differences. We respect our differences and at times disagree about our differences. He is my soul mate. A soul mate does not have to be just like you. It’s the one you want to be with against all odds.

  4. Pingback: Soul Mates | Ryan J. Hite

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Why Finding Your Passion Can Strengthen Your Marriage

BY: - 27 Sep '13 | inspiration

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Do you ever find yourself thinking about your life and wondering, “how did I get here?”  If you are fortunate enough to have never experienced this thought, consider yourself blessed.  But, if like so many people, you realize that you are in a passionless career, a dead-end job, or a situation that makes you feel unfulfilled, please know that you are not alone.

Spending hour after hour, day after day, pursuing something you aren’t passionate about affects every aspect of your life – even your marriage.  Think about how many hours you spend at work.  Think about how much of your energy goes to people you don’t even love (sometimes you don’t even like them).  It’s alarming when you do the math.  How you spend so much of your time every day truly matters.

When you consider all of these factors, it’s really no surprise that being unhappy professionally will affect your ability to be happy in your marriage.  When you feel a lack of passion for what you do, day in and day out, how can you possibly go home feeling excited about your relationship?  Some people can do it, but it truly is challenging.  Spending an entire day doing work that brings you no joy is draining, and it can prevent you from really giving your relationship what it needs.

As we age, it truly is our responsibility to figure out what our life’s passion is.  What brings us joy?  What makes us tick?  If you think it’s not that important, you are so mistaken.  Identifying what you are passionate about, and having the courage to pursue it, can make all the difference in how happy you are – and we all know that how happy your are will inevitably affect the quality of your marriage.

When you love what you do, there will still be challenges.  That’s just how life works.  But managing those challenges is so much easier when you are passionate about whatever is bringing those challenges your way.  When you are unable to identify what you are passionate about – what truly matters to you – you start to feel like you are losing a piece of your soul.  That feeling can have a very negative impact on your marriage.

I think we all owe ourselves, and our spouses, some time to really sit and look at how we feel about our lives? Do we love what we do?  Does it matter?  Does it fulfill us?  The answers to these questions matter, because once we are able to answer yes to all of them, a shift occurs in our being.  The world seems to make more sense.  We end up with more energy and a greater sense of purpose.  And all of that leads to a marriage that is more fulfilling.

Your spouse should be a person who adds immense joy to your life, however they should not be the only reason you are joyous.  That is far too much pressure to put on one person.  When you begin to feel like your place in this world matters because you took some time, did the work, and figured out what you are passionate about, you will also begin to realize that you can view your marriage with a renewed sense of clarity.  It doesn’t mean that things will suddenly be perfect, but it does mean that you can deal with the issues that are present without being clouded by your personal dissatisfaction about not living out your purpose.

BMWK Family, have you found your passion? If so, what impact has it had on your marriage?

About the author

Martine Foreman wrote 481 articles on this blog.

Martine Foreman is a speaker, writer, lifestyle consultant, and ACE-certified Health Coach who specializes in helping moms who want more out of life but feel overwhelmed and confused. Through her content and services, Martine is committed to helping women embrace their personal truth, gain clarity, and take action to create healthier, happier lives. For more on Martine's candid views on life and love, visit her at candidbelle.com. To work with her, visit her at martineforeman.com. Martine resides in Maryland with her husband, two kids and sassy cat Pepper.

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