How did you learn about sex? How did you learn about dating? What to do? What not to do? Were you taught by your parents?
It’s interesting. As I look back at my training grounds…I learned what not to do from my elders (“don’t do this”…”don’t do that”). But I learned what to do from my friends and the older guys I hung with. The church was helpful at correcting some of what I learned…but still insufficient. The bible tells you to love your spouse and don’t do any freaky-deeky stuff until you get married. But it doesn’t tell you what to do with those feelings of attraction and sexual urges toward the opposite sex in the meantime.
Let’s face it, hormonal induced attractions are a wild beast to try and harness. Many have tried. Most have failed. Starting around 13, feelings of attraction to the opposite sex are natural and to be expected. But most parents would agree that 13, 14, 15, and even 16 is too young to be having a girlfriend or boyfriend. But what does a teenager do with those feelings of attraction…those animalist instinctive sexual urges! The…”she’s phat” or “he’s fine” or “I try’n smash” or “He can get-it”. What does a teen do with that?
The social silence leaves a huge gap in knowing how to handle physical attractions and sexual urges. So teens are left with doing what they hear and see at school, in music/videos, on youtube, and TV. *in my Chris Rock voice* “That ain’t right!!!”
Parents teach your kids:
- What to do with their feelings of attraction to the opposite sex
- What to do with their sexual urges
- How to show a girl/guy you like them…without being corny or embarrassing yourself
- What to do when a girl/guy says they like you
- What to do when someone wants to have sex with you
And be real! Don’t live in a parental bubble…where everything makes 40-year-old sense. Teens are experiencing primal urges and feelings — some for the first time. You can’t rationalize away feelings. You have to teach them to acknowledge their feelings, but control their behavior.
A 13 year old needs to know what to do when he/she has feelings of attraction for the cute girl/guy in class. They need to know…from you… what to do with that! Because proper social etiquette now says that she needs to show him how good she can twerk so he’ll notice her. Or she should offer him a blow jo- — I mean…oral sex — under the stairwell to really make him like her. And then there’s the sexting.
Oh…and don’t just tell them, “Don’t twerk” or “Don’t give him oral sex” or “Don’t sext”. You’re just telling them what not to do. Normalize their feelings. Validate that their feelings of attraction and sexual urges are okay…they are natural. Then normalize the conversation about their feelings. Explain to them what they should do with those feelings in a loving, non-confrontational, non-embarrassing way. Use humor to lighten the mood. Be transparent about your past to build credibility. Never tell them to suppress those feelings until they’re older. That’s like trying to tame that wild hormonal beast. It didn’t work on you. So don’t try it on them.
BMWK – What are some positive, proactive things that teens should do with their feelings of attraction and sexual urges? And please…keep it friggin’ real!!!
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