Haters: How I Chose to React to an Attack on My Marriage

BY: - 20 Dec '13 | Marriage

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Haters: How I Chose to React to an Attack on My Marriage

Haters” is such an overused and tired term. How self important a person must be to think that there are people in this world whose sole purpose is to rain on their parade. Haters is a term I’ve rarely used… until I encountered one of my very own and because ‘parade rainer on-er’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

“Negative people need drama like oxygen. Stay positive…it will take their breath away!” – Unknown

Yesterday, I received an anonymous letter in the mail. Other than bills, I generally don’t mind receiving written correspondence, but this was different. Here’s a snippet:

“Mrs. Espinoza, I am writing you this letter because I think you need to know about your husband…”

Hold up. This person wants to tell ME about MY husband? *Side eye*. The letter went on to make thinly veiled accusations and advised me not to say anything to him until I “investigate”. Chile, please!

My go to reaction was anger. I wasn’t angry at my husband though. I was angry at the cowardly informant who thought it’d be a good idea to send me an anonymous letter making claims that could affect me and my husband’s marriage. However, here’s the truth; these accusations can only affect our relationship if we let them.

Because of who we are and the relationship we’ve built, my husband and I were able to talk about this incident calmly and honestly. I could easily let this get under my skin and question my husband’s every move. I could also agonize about whether or not I’ll get into a car accident on my daily commute to work, but who would that serve? Worrying in any capacity is useless.  At the end of the day, I choose to continue to trust my husband. Yes, choose. We are ALWAYS in choice. In a relationship, trust, much like happiness and forgiveness, is a choice. I choose to trust him but more importantly, I choose to trust God and remember His promises for our lives.

I’m still annoyed at the person who sent the letter because really, who does that? But for the sake of my marriage and my sanity, I’m folding that letter back up and putting it back in the envelope along with any suspicions the sender hoped it would raise and stamping it RETURN TO SENDER.  Ain’t nobody got time for that.

What say you BMWK fam? Have you dealt with an attack on your relationship? How did you handle it? How would you handle a similar situation? Let us know in the comments!

About the author

T. Espinoza wrote 55 articles on this blog.

T. Espinoza is CEO at The Style Medic. She's the Diva next door, the girlfriend who always looks Fab but doesn’t spend a bundle. She works with the active, focused Diva who wants to look fly, save time and most of all, save money. T. can help you streamline your wardrobe, maximize your budget and take your style from flat-lined to FABULOUS!

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43 WordPress comments on “Haters: How I Chose to React to an Attack on My Marriage

  1. Donnie

    Taheera!!! I love this article. As a woman who is married to a pretty high profile man (grammy-award winning rapper/community activist) I too have been on the receiving end of what I affectionately call “hate” mail. The goal of those who attempt to attack the marriage is to drive a wedge between us & our partners. Often the goal is to get him away from you, so that they can have an opportunity to get closer. Kudos for this great story and for rising above it all 🙂

  2. Niambi

    Wow… just wondering if this has happened before, a woman saying that she had possibly committed adultery or that the husband would commit adultery. If this was the first time a letter was received by a woman, it may be that she was really trying to inform the wife of the truth. Some times women do want to warn other women because they know how hurt it would be for them to be lied to also. I would investigate it further. Maybe the person was trying to warn and not so much be a hater. Just a thought. I don’t know about this one…

    1. Gwen

      I agree with you, they may have really just been trying to give the wife a heads up that get husband has not been on the up and up. And with the way people are these days, your really don’t know if approaching her directly would lead to a physical altercation because as happens too often the wife is mad at the other woman and not the husband. So maybe the other woman felt it would be safer to send an anonymous letter.

        1. IJS

          Especially if she’s operating on this sort of blind faith. It sounds like she would blame the person delivering the news and not the person commtting the act. Maybe the person cared too much to lose her but a the same time didn’t want to see her be made a fool of either.. People always claim they would want to know but then lose friends because they were the messenger. I’ve lost friends for both telling and not telling so next time Ill just send a letter.

  3. Christine

    First of all, I applaud you for not only sharing this story but for doing what a lot of women would not have been able to do. Like a lot of people said, you can’t just immediately trust an unknown source who was coward enough to not share the details or who she was. Kudos to you for going straight to your husband and opening that line of communication when most of us would not have.

  4. Teresa

    Congrats to you for handling this this way! Unless you are already suspicious that something is going on, I would say disregard HATERS! Your intuition will kick in long before someone contacts you. I had a similar experience where a women contacted me with the intent of breaking up my marriage. It later came out that she had a huge crush on my husband and had created an entire relationship with the intent of “getting me out the way,” and she’d done this on 4 other marriages. She also has other issues as she was a “cutter.” Anyhow, the havoc it temporarily wrecked on my marriage was crazy. I was completely blindsided b/c the things she claimed were completely out of character for my spouse, but fed on my fears b/c at the time we were living apart due to the military. While women are trained to expect that men will cheat, there are instances of women plotting and lying to get what they want. My instincts told me immediately it was a lie, but it’s difficult when your spouse is stationed aboard and a person’s lies feed into your worst fears. You will know your husband better than any “stranger” offering advice. Trust your instincts. It is still hard for me to believe, but it is crazy the lengths this individual went to to convince me and probably herself that she was “with” my husband. Sad & crazy.

  5. Dreamchaser

    TUH!! People, both male and female, will go to unknown lengths to get things that they want or to destroy the happiness that others have because of their own insecurities and/or desires. Why sabotage what God has blessed others with when all you have to do is be deserving and what God has for you will come to you? True or untrue, a marriage is between God, husband and wife so those should be the only parties involved with the details be they good or bad. The author of that letter should have several seats and ponder on their place in another person’s sacred bond.

  6. Vanessa

    I don’t mean to be personal about the author but I genuinely did not get this article. It starts by highlighting all the things I dislike about (overuse) of the term hater. The hater term is so grandiose, smacks of self importance and a tiny bit of denial. It simplifies the complex emotions that people who we feel have done us wrong are motivated by. I believe there maybe people who are frustrated by me, dislike me sometimes a little bit jealous of me. But a whole gang of people who invest all their time hating me…..sorry it sounds irrational. The significance of avoiding calling people haters is it stops me being balanced about others and seeing things for what they are. After slating the word hater the article goes on to prove just that. Are you sure you believe a stranger entirely manufactured a complete lie so that she can have your husband?. I’m sure celebrities do attract this type of attention but every day men – really. Also you seem to imply that your choices are to go off the handle or pretty much ignore it. I’m not suggesting your husband is cheating but going off on a tangent calling the women who sent this letter a hater seems a bit off. I mean I obviously haven’t seen the letter but why not take the letter with a pinch of salt and subtlety investigate. Then after some observations bring it to his attention. Staring with a check-in about how we are doing to whether he is aware if any specific female attention and whether any new relationships/friendships have been formed. After all somebody would have to like him a lot to manufacture a complete lie based on no evidence at all or sense that breaking us up will lead to him wanting them. (Hence me suggesting that i can only imagine this for major celebrities who may have deluded fans) If after that you choose to let if go and trust your husband fine but your initial reaction is irrational and smells of denial and delusion. Smoke doesn’t always suggest fire but you better believe I’m gonna look to see before a dismiss it as a fake.

    1. Rona

      Total agreement. I’m not sure I would’ve shared the letter with my husband. Cannot imagine any good coming out of that. I would have kept my eyes open for tell-tell signs, hired a private investigator if there were any serious suspicions, and moved on if I found none. No reason really to involve husband in the dramatic part of the accusations.
      Also, I wouldn’t blame any person for contacting me anonymously. Time is limited, and a personal confrontation would be more complicated and time-consuming, albeit dangerous.
      Bottom line: life happens! Take what you need of it, and keep moving. Be Wise as a serpent but gentle as a lamb! As for myself, I give my family the best of my time,energy and love , keep it fresh with the mister, remember if it all goes south I get my half, and pray a lot! God will reveal truth to you if you ask Him!

  7. Lady

    I just wanna say as a Black Married Woman for almost 20 years…it’s extremely hard to ignore something like this. When something or someone attacks what is precious (marriage) it’s not easy to be angry and sin not ( like the Bible says). You feel a pinch in your heart to even hear something like this, whether fact or fiction. Anyone who says they’re totally unmoved by something like this is a liar. I have the utmost respect for you, your honesty and transparency. Infiltration of any kind to the union can hurt…I can’t say that I would have been as graceful.
    Marriage is an honorable institution in the eyes of God… woe be until anyone who seeks to destroy it…WHOA, lfr (laughing for real)
    OAN…who cares that she called them haters… that was not…I say again NOT the point of the post. To harp on that and how you didn’t like It was a bit..
    Hater-ISH!!! Get ya life…

  8. Anonymous

    Girl go take two seats to the left with this article. You sound like a fool. You should have investigated and waited to see if you would get anymore mail with more details. You just let you husband know he’s been caught and he’s going to be more cautious next time. You silly women who put your trust and life into these men will never learn. Always remember where there’s “smoke” there’s “fire”.

    1. tlaw

      a-non-y-mous—+- did u not just read that she CHOSE to to trust her husband and even said more importantly she trusts the promise God has made for them both?! and you still don’t understand?? You should pray about that! you may have trust issues due to your experiences with ppl, but when it comes to Gods promise!, there’s nothing else to doubt. that’s admireable to say the least. if her husband did wrong, God will reveal it to her and it definitely wont come in a cowardly anonymous letter.

  9. Anonymous

    Most of you making comments probably aren’t married, and I see why. Do we have this little faith in men that the first sign that comes to disrupt our marriage/relationship, we call the woman a fool and say he shouldn’t be trusted?

    The person that wrote the letter was anonymous and also wrote, don’t say anything to him about this until you investigate. Those are two red flags right there. If this person had dates/times/locations they would be more believable, but they didn’t! We are not privy to what was discussed in the conversation, just that one was had and in the end she chooses to trust her husband, as she should-until PROVEN otherwise.

    1. Anonymous

      Totally agree!! I’m appalled at the majority of the female responses and wouldve done the same thing the author did. Why would I question my husband over an anonymous letter, more than likely written by a wanna be. No thank you.

  10. Honesty

    I respect the direction the article was going yet still the math didn’t add up. The writer shared that she received a letter that moved her enough to share but shared none of the content . Nor, did she share how her husband responded.because it seems to me if anyone attempted to come after my marriage the husband should have went straight to the person. She never said the husband didn’t know the anonymous woman -.- blank stare

  11. Anna

    What happened to the good old days, when a mistress was a mystery? Some people don’t know how to stay in their lane. If my husband ever cheated on me, I would be crushed. I learned on this site, men and women are wired diffently. Ask for what you want. We can’t read your mind.

  12. Martine Foreman

    Great post. I think it’s great that you shared this story with our readers, and wow!, that surely was a cowardly way for anyone to attempt to tell you anything…SMH. I also love your comments about choice. It is so true. We always have a choice. I think you made the right one. Preach on, girl!

  13. DramaFree

    I am so saddened by this article because the author comes off as idiotic and naive. First off, the person who wrote you this letter could have been a close family member or friend who didn’t want you to be angered at them regarding their findings about your husband but felt that you deserved to know. If you really didn’t care or believed what the letter said you wouldn’t have read it at all so it MUST be something there. Also to bash the person as a “hater” is ridiculous because again you could have avoided this situation all together by not reading the letter but that was not your choice. Second, all the information that was given could and should have been investigated without any disruption in your marriage. I am sure all the wives with HIV or other incurrable diseases WISHED someone told them OR that they had listened when someone told them about their husband’s cheating. Unfortunately, we are all human and sin so the “information” could have been true. The Bible speaks about the wise use their eyes, but the fool walks in darkness so I guess you are one of those who prefer to be in the dark. Also people like you are the reason that more people are not speaking up against others wrongdoings. Think about it, who would want to speak up if they were going to be persecuted like they were the ones who did something wrong. WOW how saddening! I just hope the person is wrong and you are not back with a follow-up article about your incurrable disease or his new “outside” baby. Don’t shoot the messenger just PAY ATTENTION and INVESTIGATE the message.

    1. Hurd

      The author didn’t say she blindly ignored the letter. She talked to her husband about it and that was that. I don’t recall reading anything about her being blind, stupid, dumb, or crazy. Of course, she should trust her husband, if not then why be married to him. How do we know the letter didn’t come from a bonafide hater, someone with a bone to pick with her? What if it were someone who wants what she has and therefore tried to destroy her marriage in hopes of picking up her leftovers. We don’t know that so to judge the author as being foolish and in the dark is unfair. The Bible also speaks of trusting your spouse and being aware of those outside influences. We can’t pick and chose stuff out of the Bible to suit our needs or create our own interpretations of scripture. But I digress. She handled the situation the way she felt she needed to handle it it in her own marriage. You may not agree with her handling but to label and name call is immature.
      And further, what do you propose she do about the letter. She brought it to the attention of her husband, they talked about it. Should she leave him based only on this letter? Should she hire a private investigator? Should she kick him out? What is the solution to the handling something that is not confirmed to be an issue?

    2. God's Child

      You are absolutely correct. Women have to stop blaming the messenger trying to bring them imprortant informative news. Even in bible times they jailed and even killed prophets giving them warnings from God. Correct, no one likes to hear bad news but if its sent for my own good no way should you ignore, deny, blame or name call the messenger. Stop trying to make your life the way you wish it could be and live in reality. Stop yrying to write a storyline or script for how you want your life to be. Heed to warnings for your own good. All bad news is not a lie or ftom someone trying to destroy you. Some men mess around and do bad things to their families because they know their wives will blame the innocent one and back him up no matter what. Everyone out here is not out to get your man. Wise up, be strong be safe and not a fool. Because no matter how you try to dress it up or butter it up….. It taste strange to me. Peace and blessings to all you ladies…May God bless.

  14. Hurd

    All this woman has to go on is a letter from God knows who. That alone is not enough to destroy their marriage bond. Now if it came on the heels of other suspicions, then maybe that’s something to go on. But as a stand alone, no, have a conversation, move on and life your life.
    If the author of the letter were really on the up and up, then why send a letter, why not place a phone call. They had the address so I’m sure finding the phone number wouldn’t be too hard. Or at the very least, leave your number so a conversation could be had. This hiding nonsense is childish and behavior not befitting a real woman. And particularly if she is the alleged side chick, if you suddenly have a moral epiphany that what you are doing is wrong, why not go all the way with it? Woman up and handle your business like a woman and stop pulling these childish tactics.

  15. Pat K.

    A good marriage is the most coveted relationship known to man (and woman)! It’s amazing how many marriage haters there are! Some people played too long, and missed the train, and they’re mad now that it’s left the station and they’re left without a way! Lots of that going on these days in the family (both), so-called friends, and acquaintances. Hell, even casual observers see something in a deeply bonded married couple that they want to cause trouble with (if they haven’t tended to their own home fires so that they’re still burning year after year).

    Keep people out of your marital business, ladies. Some of your closest friends and family are haters in disguise. And if you’ve raised your kids well, you’ll get an extra dose of hatin’! Many women (and some men, too) didn’t prepare for this climate of relationship chaos that leads to serial monogamy, and multiple sexual relationships that we’re currently in.

  16. Victory'A

    Wow…I see why so many women are single…You did the right thing Woman of God…Whom God has joined together Let NO MAN PUT ASUNDER… And you reacted the RIGHT WAY BY SENDING THAT WITCHCRAFT RIGHT BACK TO THE SENDER….Because if the annoymous writer was a real woman if she maybe the woman cheating with your husband she is selling herself short and IS A SILLY WOMAN FOR BEING THE OTHER WOMAN…AND IF SHE WAS CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE SHE WOULD HAVE STARTED PRAYING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE….SO ITS WITCHCRAFT….

  17. Bridgette

    I thought it was a great move for her to sit down and share the letter with her partner in life, however never think that a letter just comes in the mail for no reason good or bad. This could be just someone up to no good or this could be the one he’s doing the no good with that’s why they mailed the letter to avoid the turn up and then the turn out. I would suggest that the wife move pass this however never be the last to know. Been here done that.

  18. Anonymous

    I would never give any real thought to an letter of this sort, if you can’t speak and give your identity, I must question there motive, I will depend on the Holy.Spirit to share with me regarding my husband. I know him best…Even of this was done with good will, they can only have a partial view and I am not about to start to doubt my King on a half sided letter!

  19. Yana

    Odd. I must be the only person who thinks this was a situation that should have remained between the writer and her husband and not posted online as an article.This is a private matter and should have been handled as such. Putting possible holes in your marriage on blast makes you come across as insecure. A woman who is truly secure in her marriage would have read it, discussed it with her husband, trashed it and left it there

  20. Tiffany

    I like this post. It shows that all women are not so insecure. Being a wife, a mom, and a business owner I have no time to babysit my husband. He should be one of the least I should have to keep an eye on. I love and trust him and would rather put the energy I have into improving and sculpting our marriage than to waste time snooping, feeling insecure, scared to leave him home alone, worried, doubting, and etc. I don’t have that sort of time. I would have done almost the same thing. I would have prayed about it first.

  21. Karen

    Sounds like to me it would have been better if the sender would have minded their business. Whether he/she knows how it feels to be hurt or not, it wasn’t wise. Now if the wife had’ve asked, I wouldn’t lie but I’d never take it upon myself to be an informant.

  22. L.

    When you have a husband who has given you no reason for suspicion, and some letter comes in the mail with no details to back anything up – that letter’s only intent is to stir trouble. I have known my share of trifling women personally who have been interested in a man and done things to try and cause trouble in the man’s relationship. I am also a former “investigator”, always sneaking to check my husband’s work email, personal email, and text messages. After 4 years of marriage and never finding anything, I finally stopped and realized I had some issue to address within myself – not him. So I commend the writer on handling this like a mature adult. I’m sure if her husband reacted suspiciously or out of character – there would have been a different ending to the story.

  23. LucyBlue

    I just don’t know how we women can become so damn dumb. The same thing happened to me back in 1995. I did some snooping & investigating on my own.
    Didn’t tell or show hubby the letter. That was a big mistake on your part. Anyway it took me until 1996 to learn the truth.
    My then hubby was cheating with a 21yr. old and he had also fathered a child with her.
    Most of the comments were spot on; Where there’s smoke there’s fire. Don’t B A fool!!!

  24. Anonymous

    From the comments I have read so far. It’s amazing how married women are always saying people want their husbands, so they have to protect from the “haters” and “single” women who want their perfect husband’s. But on the other hand you never see or hear a bunch of men/husbands commenting how anyone wants their wives, I guess they know that no other man wants you. As a married woman it’s so hilarious how some you wives believe and put your self worth in being a mans wife. There are so many more important things in life than just being married. How about your education, career, hobbies, nurturing yourself and others around you. It sounds like you women only have you husbands, and if that’s the only thing you have, well you don’t have much. The author should have thought twice before she clammed her husband hasn’t done anything and didn’t do anything to ignite this letter she receive. It sounds like she’s in denial and is trying to convenience herself he’s not a cheater.

    1. Whitney

      I totally agree with you! I don’t think I would be happy with myself if I was just “A wife”. My opinion is what worth would I have without my education, financial stability and all the other qualities of a woman. A man can find any random woman that’s nothing more than just a woman. And I know for a fact men aren’t perfect creatures. I feel I have to have some value to myself in order to keep it “going on” No man wants a dummy, maybe a trophy but for how long until that trophy starts to tarnish

  25. Whitney

    Well, this happened to me through Facebook and me being the person that I am investigated it. I had a female co- worker of my husband’s telling me I wasn’t married and that my husband was her boyfriend! Found out that he was cheating on me, though he denies sleeping with her to this day (I know better). BUT, we chose to work it out, he quit his job and we relocated our family. We had more problems along the road but we took them in as life learned lessons. I will say I never had to worry about him stepping out on our relationship. Not saying this is what works, but we separated for about three months (decided we needed to work ourselves) and ever since we’ve been back together God has blessed us tremendously. Everybody’s relationship is different. What works/worked for us may not work for you. All in all, if you want it to work, you’ll do whatever it takes.

    1. Whitney

      But don’t be a fool. If that man is flat out disrespecting you and cheating constantly, two times is enough because he ain’t learned the first time, leave him. My opinion, don’t be blind because if you just decide not to do anything and act like it could never happen, please believe it’s happening probably all the time. That’s just my opinion. I’m not gonna just straight bash men either because women do the same thing…I wish she would have told what her husband said about it!

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The Gift Your Husband REALLY Wants For Christmas

BY: - 20 Dec '13 | Marriage

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TNMCoupleGift

With Christmas rapidly approaching, many of us are still unsure about what to get for the special man in our lives. We look in his closest, we listen to his words, we watch his moves – all in the hopes of figuring out what the perfect gift will be. But maybe we go through all of that trouble for nothing, because for most men, what they want for Christmas can’t be placed under a nicely trimmed tree.  What your husband wants most for Christmas is you.

Sure, men love gadgets (mine sure does), tools and other cool things.  But most men are only interested in two things for Christmas: an incredible experience they’ve always wanted to have or you, and if they had to choose between those two, they would choose you.

You see, if a man loves a gadget so much that he must have it, he’s not waiting for you to buy it for him.  He’ll get it for himself.   If he needs new clothes, you are better off going shopping with him than throwing a sweater in a box (but please take him to just one department store… no need to torture him).

Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting that your husband won’t be grateful for a toolkit, a hat or the newest smart phone, because he will be.  I’m just saying that your husband would be a lot happier with a few things that can spice up your relationship and will actually cost you less money and stress than shopping around town for some ideal gift. And if you insist on getting him that gadget or tool, add one of the suggestions below as a special bonus gift.

Here are a few creative ideas to help you add a little spice and a lot of fun to your husband’s Christmas gift this year.  Enjoy!

Get something very sexy to wear.  Instead of unwrapping a beautiful box with a new pair of gloves in it, your man would rather be unwrapping you.  Get something sexy, set the mood, and enjoy Christmas evening in a way that will surprise him and make him one happy man.

Plan a weekend at home or away, without the kids.  As a mom, I have to admit that I get really caught up in the day-to-day details of parenting and I have to constantly make it a point to connect with my husband.  Of course, you both love your children dearly, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have time away from them.  Take some time to remind your husband how much you love him and enjoy a few days living your BC (before children) lives.

Step outside of your comfort zone.  Whether it’s having sexy professional boudoir photographs taken for your man, getting a pole for your bedroom, or cooking every night for a week (when you typically don’t cook), do something that you wouldn’t normally do, but that just might add some spice (and fun) to your marriage.

A coupon book (not for groceries).  Coupon books that allow your husband to redeem fun or seductive experiences with you can be fun.  Don’t put too many in there unless you have a ton of energy, because he will try to redeem all of them. Coupons are fun, affordable and can actually be a way to add romance to your relationship.

A fun experience centered around something he loves. Of course, your man loves to just kick it with his boys, but believe it or not, he likes to just kick it with you, too.  The catch is, he doesn’t want to kick it at the mall or a chick flick all the time.  Think about getting tickets to a sporting event or for him to see his favorite artist perform.  It makes a great gift, as well as a great date night.

BMWK Ladies, what are you getting your man for Christmas this year?

About the author

Martine Foreman wrote 494 articles on this blog.

Martine Foreman is a speaker, writer, lifestyle consultant, and ACE-certified Health Coach who specializes in helping moms who want more out of life but feel overwhelmed and confused. Through her content and services, Martine is committed to helping women embrace their personal truth, gain clarity, and take action to create healthier, happier lives. For more on Martine's candid views on life and love, visit her at candidbelle.com. To work with her, visit her at martineforeman.com. Martine resides in Maryland with her husband, two kids and sassy cat Pepper.

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