My Husband Has An Adulterous Heart: What Should I Do?

BY: - 14 Oct '14 | Infidelity

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Hi Dr. Buckingham,

My husband and I have been married for 3 years now, but he has been cheating on me even before we got married. When I was pregnant with our daughter, an ex-girlfriend of his was also pregnant by him too. Our babies would have been a few weeks apart but she had a miscarriage. After our daughter was born, he promised that he would stop cheating and I forgave him and tried to move on. However, not too long after I forgave him, I found nude pictures of another ex that he was sex-texting.

This is getting to me, as the list of women goes on.

Every time I try to tell him how I feel and how hurt I am, he makes me feel like it is my fault that he cheats. I am holding on because of our daughter and the promise I made to God in my marriage vows. I am at my breaking point and I can’t handle it any more. What Should I Do?

Cristal

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Dear Cristal,

First things first! You are not responsible for your husband’s adulterous and cheating behavior. The ability to feel and experience love is a gift from God. Furthermore, how we express our love is also a gift from God, and it is called Free Will. No human-being has the power to control another human-being. We simply influence behavior, but do not determine it. I want to clear this up because you should not be feeling guilty because of your husband’s sexual indiscretions.

We marry with the desire to share our hearts, bodies and souls with one person and God gives favor to those who marry.

People also wonder if romantic relationships outside of marriage are permissible as long as there is no actual sexual intercourse (sex-texting or lusting after another). The bible teaches that marriage is an exclusive romantic and sexual relationship between husband and wife. Jesus said: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (NIV, Matthew 5:27-28)

Many would advise you to leave your husband immediately because they believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. While there is some truth to this saying, I believe that anyone who defers to God, will and can be savaged. God will forgive the sin of adultery if the person sincerely repents.

I believe that adulterous behavior is the by-product of a loss soul. Where there is adultery, there is poor judgment and self-destruction. Proverbs 6:32 tells us that a man who commits adultery lacks judgment and as a result will destroy himself. The bible mentions adultery as grounds for divorce (Matthews 5:31-32, 19:9), but there is no requirement to do so.

If you decide to save or reconcile your marriage, I highly recommend that you and your husband seek help. He might have a sexual addiction or he might just be manipulative and self-centered. Either way, he is not going to do right by you without taking responsibility for his behavior. If he refuses to get help, you should consider moving on. Remember that you not only have to respect yourself, but you have to be a role model for your daughter. Respect is not automatic, it is demanded. You cannot expect to be treated special or like a queen, if you allow him to manipulate you and treat you like a second class citizen. If he cannot do right by you and your daughter as the head of the household, he does not deserve to be in that position.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 216 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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6 WordPress comments on “My Husband Has An Adulterous Heart: What Should I Do?

  1. Anonymous

    Anyone can change, of this I am sure. The bigger thing is this, the author makes the claim that she is not responsible, while I agree with this, it’s important to note that she may be contributing to it. She may be just as much the problem as he is, there is responsibility on both sides. In the 15 years of counseling couples I rarely see issues that are all caused by one party. Its important that she get some help as well, if nothing else, She picked a cheater and needs some help correcting her picker.

  2. Bess Johnson

    I’m sure you are hurt by this.My first response is why would you marry him? You knew he cheats and you married him anyway. I know people say you have to walk in someone else shoes before we start criticizing, but I’m sure you knew marriage was not the answer. Please believe me I am not trying to make you feel worse than you are feeling right now,just my opinion. Saying a pray for you.

  3. tiff

    here is what i did when my husband cheated after 5 years of marriage. I told him if he wanted to leave he should’ve because I am not dealing with the cheating. He stated it was my fault because I didnt spend time with him and he went down the list. I admitted my wrong as we are all human and make mistakes but i told him none of that leads him to putting his thing inside of another women. Only he can guide his penis inside another woman and if that’s what he wants then go. Then his story changed to trying to keep me happy and himself. I also told him how did he think he was going to keep me happy cheating? What sense did that make? I questioned every reason he gave for cheating until he realized that it was his CHOICE. He finally apologized and made an agreement for the future, and things are starting to get on an even Keel.

  4. Anthony

    I do feel cheating is a choice one makes because you’re not pushed or made to cheat you make a decision to. Yes, your spouse may not be fulfilling their duties as a spouse. That’s when you communicate with one another not go out and commit adultery. As a married man I see all kinds of beautiful women and my wife see some handsome men but that doesn’t give us a visa to cheat. We’ve had some issues with not giving to the marriage as is needed but we communicated with one another and expressed our feelings. You work on getting it corrected not work on getting something else.

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