I Refuse to Look Perfect at Home for my Husband

BY: - 14 Nov '14 | Marriage

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Lately, I’ve been in a number of conversations about what a wife should look like when she’s at home with her husband. Is it okay to wear a head scarf? Should I be cleaning up in heels? Should I put on my makeup before he gets up in the morning?

I’m not going to knock you for whatever you do. But I’ll let you know what I do.

I don’t spend every minute of every day at home looking like who did it and why. I don’t know that I would do that anyway, married or not. I am conscious of underwear and sleepwear. I don’t walk around every day in bloomers or a house coat and I reach for the “cute and comfortable” more often than not.

But I also wear my satin bonnet or head scarf to sleep most nights. I wear tennis shoes when I’m cleaning my house. When I get home from work, most of the time I change immediately into gym clothes. I do my own hair so there are times when he might see me in a head full of plaits or rollers.  I apologize for none of the above.

To the critics who make the comparison between what I’m doing now that I’m married and what I did when we were dating, I say this: we’re not dating. When we were dating, at some point I went home. When I got there, I did the exact same thing that I do now. And unlike when we were dating, I’m keeping our house clean, doing my own hair to save money for our household, and keeping my body together so that it will be one I want to live in (and he will want to look at) for hopefully a long time to come.

Why do men not get the pressure to look like walking bombshells for their wives all day? If you tell me men are just visual creatures and women are not, I will give you the ultimate side-eye. I think the idea that only men care about appearance was made up by men to justify things that are not okay, like wearing holey underwear. There is a reason why 80% of Pinterest users are women; because women love looking at attractive things, and like it or not, that appreciation doesn’t change just because a man entered our line of vision.

But ultimately I refuse to subscribe to the myth that marriage means needing to be “on” at all times. Every day I go to work and have to wear my professional face for my colleagues. I have to be “on” while I’m managing our kids. One of the greatest blessings of marriage and intimacy to me is being able to end my day with my husband, take off every single hat, be completely who I am and comfortable in my skin and have him love me for it. In marriage, sometimes we see each other at our highest heights, and other times, we see each other at our lowest lows. If we’re going to be able to ride through the “ugly,” we at least need to be able to handle looking at each other without makeup.

I’m not perfect.  My husband gives me permission to be me, and I love him for it. And I refuse to do anything else.

BMWK Ladies, do you dress up for your husband at home? Men, do you expect your wives to look “perfect” around the house?

About the author

Aja Dorsey Jackson wrote 204 articles on this blog.

Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and marriage educator in Baltimore, Maryland and author of the blog and book, Making Love in the Microwave.

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6 WordPress comments on “I Refuse to Look Perfect at Home for my Husband

  1. Shalinda

    i’m on the fence about this article. I would love to hear a males opinion but I notice not ONE man commented. I do believe women should be themselves I think it’s a fail if a female walks around the house with her head tied up, sweats on, facial mask and sweats on every day of the week. To me, that’s a sign of complacency. I think a woman should switch it up for her man every now and then.

  2. Anonymous

    Women should not look busted all the time when there home with there husband. Most men like myself work around beutiful women all day it working hurt to see your wife look sexy one in a while when you are home.

    1. Anonymous

      But you do understand that those beautiful women may go home and unwind, looking similar to your wife when no one is around. Most of the time, the workplace is a highlight reel of sorts. No one goes to work looking busted, at least not intentionally. Why compare your wife’s at home look to that?

  3. Tami

    i agree to an extent. I refuse to be more beautiful for the outside world than for my husband. Yes I want to be relaxed at home, but more often than not I put as much into my home appearance as I do for my boss, friends and strangers. Even relaxed I can add just a bit of flare to make him smile and notice my effort.

  4. chizu

    I smile… I use zero makeup and a natural hair style always. What I am at work is what I am at home…save the bum shorts I have a preference for while at home. Everyone should be comfortable around their hubby whichever way they decide to look.

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FREE Marriage Webinar: How To Understand the Man You Love on Tuesday November 18th

BY: - 14 Nov '14 | Marriage

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About the author

Bernetta Knighten wrote 57 articles on this blog.

Bernetta Knighten is the Digital Media Coordinator for BlackandMarriedWithKids.com. She also publishes BernettaStyle.com as a Lifestyle Resource on topics related to married life, motherhood, healthy living, product/event reviews & recaps. She is also the creator of Dream Dashers, a group of individuals that hold each other accountable for following their dreams. She resides in Atlanta with her husband and three children. To keep with her, please visit www.BernettaStyle.com.

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