How To Keep Your Marriage And Sanity In Tact When Raising Multiple Young Ones

BY: - 12 Aug '15 | Marriage

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By Lia Miller

Before our daughter was born, I thought parenthood would be a cinch.  First of all, we outnumbered our son 2:1, so what was he really going to get away with.  An additional plus, as the only grandchild, we were the happy beneficiaries of ridiculous amounts of love and support from our extended family.  Then we moved and our daughter was born.

Trust me when I tell you that having a second child changes everything.  We went from being reasonably rested, happy, social and easygoing, to stressed, exhausted, overwhelmed and totally unfocused on ourselves and each other.  It got to the point where leaving the house 30 minutes – one hour late without forgetting anything was considered a “good” day.

If you’re in the same boat as we are and learning to adapt to caring for two children (or more), here are some practical tips that have helped us get by and reclaim our sanity and a little of our “pre-kid” marital swagger:

Be on the same page

This is the basis for a successful marriage and a worthy goal to strive for, period. However, before the children start coming, it is essential that you and your spouse discuss the roles each of you will be taking on, where your strengths and weaknesses lie, and how you can support one another best.

This is not to say that things won’t change (change is inevitable when it comes to parenting), but if you think you can just start parenting without understanding and preparation… you are mistaken!

Take time to talk about each of your expectations and hold each other accountable and re-visit the conversation as often as needed.

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Have each other’s back

There are lots of resources, parenting books, blogs, websites, podcasts etc. out there offering knowledge to help guide you along your parenting path, but nothing comes close to your instincts and trusting your gut.

If you sense your spouse is at a breaking point, it doesn’t matter how tired you are, or what else you’ve been through that day, you have to get in the game and do whatever you can to help.

Even after I’ve worked a full day and battled through a stressful commute home, it doesn’t matter how tired I am or how tough my day was, if I see that my husband is exhausted and needs a break, I jump in and help, and he does the same for me.

Make time to make love

You’re both exhausted and the second the kids go down all you want to do is go down too.  It’s natural to be tired; in fact tired is the norm, but unfortunately this norm is an unhealthy one for your marriage and for your family.

Try to remember that in addition to being parents, you are in a committed and loving relationship with each other first. Whenever and as often as you can, spark the flame and make time to make love.

You’d be surprised at how quickly you regain your footing as a couple and despite the fact that these opportunities may be far and few between, they will actually draw you closer together and give you something to look forward to.

Give each other a break

Whether it’s an hour or two at the coffee shop or going out with friends, an after work happy hour, watching sporting events,  or whatever, if your spouse works as hard as mine does, the best thing you can do for them is to give them a break.

Sometimes just getting away from home for a little while is enough to help recharge your batteries. But, cautionary note:  don’t you dare complain about how CRAZY things were while they were out, that totally negates the gesture and just causes trouble.

Laugh A LOT

I have many friends with young children who look significantly older than they actually are. They look this way because the stress of parenting has gotten the better of them, and in these cases, they have lost the sense of joy and excitement that comes with parenting.

Despite the chaos, make sure you both find humor in the midst of it all.  If you can’t laugh with, for, and at each other and yourself, your issues are deeper than you think.

The key is to stop taking yourselves seriously and realize how fortunate you are to have each other and how incredibly blessed you are to have these beautiful children in your lives.

BMWK, What helped your marriage survive the young children years?

Lia Miller, known to the blogging world as Lia World Traveler, is the quintessential every-woman, a loving wife and mother, daughter, sister, friend, author/singer/song-writer, movie and book buff, DIY loc’d naturalista, food lover, sports and fitness enthusiast, news junkie, traveling fool, diplomat, diversity/social inclusion advocate, and life-time learner. In both her work and private lives, Lia has seen a lot and done a lot and through her writing; she shares her adventures and insights with you at Life As I See It.

About the author

Lia Miller wrote 22 articles on this blog.

Lia Miller is an every woman, in that she does and is interested in a lot of things. Lia is a wife and mother, ambitious/career focused individual, writer and award winning blogger, do-it-yourself loc’d naturalista, foodie, avid reader, movie buff, sports enthusiast, passionate about music, dance, and the arts, news junkie, advocate for the underdog/under-represented, with an incurable bug for traveling and exploring the world. Lia is also a clinical social worker with a concentration in children, relationships, and family dynamics. Lia’s focus is to find and share how to get the best out of life by living fully, loving hard, and always learning.

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3 Key Takeaways from a Failed Relationship

BY: - 12 Aug '15 | Marriage

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Most of us have a failed relationship in our past somewhere. A relationship that didn’t work out for one reason or the other. Rather than calling it a failed relationship, another way to look at it is a lesson learned. Taking a minute to go back and analyze the relationship can tell you a lot. In particular it can show you:

  1. What didn’t work
  2. What worked
  3. The truth about you

Now, as you look at these three areas, what it does is reveal the truth about you. When in a relationship, a person can fake who they really are in order to keep the peace or even keep the person. Right now, be truthful with yourself. What worked and what didn’t? What truth does this reveal about you as a person?

As you look back, you may find areas where you were too hard, too insensitive, or not stern enough. There may be other areas that you didn’t stick to your morals and compromised your identity. Whatever the case, learn the lesson. It’s not enough to be in a relationship, have it end, and never look at why.

When you get together with Mr. or Mrs. Right you won’t have to compromise who you are to keep the relationship, instead the two of you will complement one another. Fitting together like two pieces of a puzzle.

What didn’t work:

Look at the things that hindered you versus the things that helped you. Did on responsibility for his kids too soon? Not taking your time to really get to know this person before opening up your heart? Allowing her to make all the decisions; stifling your voice? What is it that hampered your spirit or took you on an emotional downward spiral? Where were you selfish? Were you open to receive? Investigate within yourself.

What worked:

Look at what brought you joy. What were the high moments that you really enjoyed? What made your heart soar? What actions, situations, or conversations caused you to be at ease? What did you enjoy providing or receiving – not tangible stuff but emotionally and physically? Where were you giving? Were you open to receive? Look within.

The truth about you:

When you take a close introspective look at what worked and what didn’t work it reveals the truth about you. It allows you to see what is a deal breaker for you. It exposes some areas where you may need to change. Perhaps you never spoke up for yourself and you realize you need to. Perhaps you realize you spoke up too much and need to listen more. Whatever your truth is, own in; stand in it. It’s liberating to stand in the truth of who you are, not compromising who you are created to be.

When you get together with Mr. or Mrs. Right you won’t have to compromise who you are to keep the relationship, instead the two of you will complement one another. Fitting together like two pieces of a puzzle.

Learn the truth about you, so that in the midst of meeting someone and then giving yourself the opportunity to be in love, you understand your own warning signs. Warning signs can warn you to run and not look back. They can also alert or warn you that this just might be the one to spend the rest of your life with.

Now, if you are married – you can still learn these truths about yourself. This is about self-discovery, not blaming the other person. The more you know about you and what makes you tick, the more you can open your heart to become most vulnerable and intimate in your marriage relationship.

BMWK family what lessons have you learned about yourself from a failed relationship?

About the author

Deborah L. Mills wrote 182 articles on this blog.

Coach, AUTHOR, Speaker, WIFE, Mom, and GRANDMOTHER. That's the gist of who I am. I love people and love to see their life and relationships thrive. As a coach I am ready to support your dream when you don't feel like it. As an author and speaker I am ready to pour into your life so that you can live your best life now. I am a personal and executive coach. Together with my husband I also marriage coach. GO TO MY WEBSITE. THERE IS A FREE GIFT THERE WAITING FOR YOU. http://bit.ly/2deborahlmills

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