Dating Again After A Breakup: How To Tell If You’re Ready

BY: - 13 Aug '15 | Relationships

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One of the most common questions people ask me is how long they should wait to start dating again after a break up. I have to warn you: you might not like my answer!

It depends. I don’t know important information about your situation, like:

  • Were you in a marriage, long-term relationship or a new relationship that was just getting off the ground?
  • How long were you together?
  • Why did you breakup?
  • How long ago did you break up?

Your answers to these questions determine your availability. I’m not just talking about whether you have time to date. I’m talking about if you have room in your heart and soul for a new relationship. You should start dating again after a breakup ONLY when you are emotionally available for someone new. 

In other words, you can date again when you’re over it.

How do you know if you’re over it? 

  • You wouldn’t want to get back together with your ex, even if he bought a ring, hired Eric Benet to serenade you, and he surprised you with a proposal in front of all your friends and family
  • You can talk about your ex to another man without telling all the details of what he did to you
  • You don’t cry (or cuss) when you think of your ex
  • You’re clear about the role you did or did not play in the relationship issues and/or breakup
  • You can see the positive lessons from the relationship and you’re willing to grow from them

Now this isn’t a complete list of signs you’re over your ex. There are a ton of other factors that can affect how relationship-ready you are and whether you should get back on the dating scene. Things like:

How long were there problems in the relationship? 

Did you have kids together?  

Do you still talk to your ex? How often?

What was the reason for the breakup?

Who initiated it?

You really have to do an honest self-check here. Your mind could say “I’m ready,” and your heart might say, “Not now.” If your heart is not ready, you won’t have the emotional resources to give to anyone else. Dating would be a waste of time for you and unfair to the people you meet who may be looking for someone who is ready for love.

I dated a guy who wasn’t over his ex. How did I know? Because he told me. On the drive to meet his family for the first time, he told me, “By the way, everybody loved my ex-girlfriend and they were more upset about the breakup than I was. If they’re acting funny toward you, it’s probably because they’re hoping I get back together with her.”

I felt some kind of way about his “warning.” Why would you even say something like that to a girl you’re taking home to meet your mama? When his family fell in love with me (and no one treated me funny) I realized this was his way of telling me he still loved his ex.

My suspicions were confirmed when he later told me, “If my ex called me today and wanted to get back together, I don’t know if I’d choose you.”

Maybe you’re in a better place than my ex was and you’re ready to date. Or maybe you’re stuck in your pain and the thought of dating again scares you. No matter what, you need to do the work on yourself so you can date with joy and confidence again.

BMWK, what do you think? When do you feel ready to date again after a breakup? 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 148 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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4 WordPress comments on “Dating Again After A Breakup: How To Tell If You’re Ready

  1. Aesha

    I don’t agree with that, Sharron. If it takes you that long, something is wrong and you need to get some professional help & support to work through the pain and hurt.

  2. Pingback: Start Dating After Marriage Breakup

  3. Pingback: Ask Dr. Aesha: How Long Should I Wait To Start Dating Again After A Breakup? - Black Singles | Dating Advice Black Woman | Tips Dating Black Women| Dating Advice and Tips for Women | Dating After Divorce |Matchmaker Los Angeles | African American Matchmak

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What You Need While Waiting for Your Spouse

BY: - 14 Aug '15 | Relationships

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If you are waiting for the right person to come along to spend the rest of your life with, I want to encourage you to be patient.

It’s tempting to look at friends and family who are engaged or already married and question God about where your spouse is. Don’t let negative thoughts discourage you while you wait. Don’t let others tell you that marriage may not be for you.

You want to wait for the right person, not settle for the right now person, because you may end up regretting your decision for years or maybe the rest of your life. If you don’t want to make the mistake of marrying the wrong one, here’s what you should possess while you wait.

Staying Power

You have the ability to stand on the Word of God and His promises.  Don’t waiver; don‘t doubt.  You are committed to what the Word says, loyal to the Word, to God.  You won’t go anywhere else.

A double minded man is unstable in all his ways; You are unmoved by your situation and your circumstances. You may not, understand but trust God.

Tolerance

You can accept the waiting period.  You have self control.  You are walking in the Spirit. Self control is a fruit of the Spirit. Don’t run amuck while you are waiting for your Mr. or Mrs.

Know that God is in control and He knows what He is doing.  Trust Him. He knows the end results. He knows when to deliver.

Fortitude

You are armed with strength, courage. You don’t fear while you wait. Don’t look at your age and think marriage won’t happen for you. God did not give you the spirit of fear, but of peace, love and a sound mind. Philippians 4:13 says you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Your family and friends can’t give you this kind of strength.

Authority

While you wait, you have the authority and control over any temptation to give up. Don’t give up and settle for anyone. You have influence over your situation by the way you act and speak over yourself. While you are waiting, you control what attitude you have.

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Praise

While you wait, don’t complain, praise! The children in the wilderness complained because they were not getting to the Promised Land fast enough. Even though God provided everything they needed until they got there, they still complained. God got tired of it, so He told Moses to tell them that they will have what they confess with their mouths.

If while you are waiting, you began to get impatient and start speaking things contrary to the Word, you will get what you say. If you say you’ll never receive what you asked, that you’ll always be single, you’ll never find the right one; don’t get mad when it happens. Instead of falling into that temptation, start praising God!

Persistence

Be persistent. Keep thanking God for what He is going to do. Speak into existence what you are waiting on. Write it down, put it somewhere you can read it everyday. Be determined that you will be married to the right person.

Serenity

You have peace about waiting. You know God is going to do what His Word says because He cannot lie. Keep meditating on his Word. Keep your mind on Him, and He will keep you in perfect peace.

God has His own time and He’s always on time. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to trust Him. Marriage will come, in the meantime live your life. Do not let others speak negatively over you.

Don’t let your thoughts of “I don’t make enough to attract anyone,” “I have too many kids,” or “I didn’t go to college” keep you from expecting your desire for marriage to happen.

God will send someone who doesn’t care how much you make, how many kids you have or whether or not you went to college. Trust Him to bring your wife/husband into your life and be patient.

BMWK family, what else can the single person do while waiting for a spouse?

About the author

Latoya Irving wrote 99 articles on this blog.

Latoya Irving is a former Air Force brat who loves writing about relationships, and family. She believes God should be the center of both. She is married with two kids and currently live in Texas.

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