15 Things Every Couple Needs to Know about Finding Lasting Love

BY: - 7 Dec '15 | Marriage

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Dr. Gary Chapman has unlocked the secrets to the language of love that has transformed the way millions think about love.  Dr. Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages, has been on the NY times best sellers list over 283 times and has saved countless marriages over the last 20 years.

Knowing your love language can transform every relationship in your life.  The Five Love Languages are defined as:

  1. Words of affirmation: Telling your partner you love them.
  2. Quality time: Giving your partner your undivided attention.
  3. Receiving gifts: For some people, receiving gifts are what make them feel loved.
  4. Acts of service: Doing something for the other person, for example doing the dishes
  5. Physical touch: Non-sexual physical touch, like holding hands, or touching your partners shoulder.

Here are 15 things that I learned from Dr. Chapman about finding lasting love:

1. There are 2 stages to romantic love.  In the beginning, love is euphoric and you are on a high.  But once you come off of that high, it transforms to a state where you have to be far more intentional about loving it each other.  In this phase, you think you have lost your love..but that does not have to be the case.

2.  You can’t make up for lost time.  But you can start from where you are now and find lasting love again, if you are willing to work at it and to speak each other’s love language.

3.  Knowing your love language can transform not just your romantic relationships, but every relationship that you have. You can use this knowledge to improve relationships with your kids, friends, parents and more.

4.  Love is a choice.  When you find out what makes your partner feel loved, you can either choose to do it or not.

5.  Everyone has a love take tank that needs to be filled.  If your love tank is full and you feel loved then life is good.  But when your love tank is empty, that’s when your marriage experiences problems.  It’s just as important as keeping the proper amount of oil in your car. Driving your car without the proper amount of oil could ruin the engine.  And running your marriage on an empty love tank could be devastating to your relationship.

6.   You can never give too much of your spouse’s love language to them..it will never get old.

7.   You can learn new love languages as an adult, even if you did not receive them in your childhood.

8.  Ask yourself, are you demonstrating love to your spouse with your love language or theirs?  You need to learn how to love them in their language.

9.  Every couple has conflicts.  The difference between those that succeed and those that don’t is that some learn to resolve them and some don’t.

10. If you have problems with expressing love with your words (Words of Affirmation), look for things that you hear or read other people say, and then write them down. Then use them on your partner….it takes practice.

11.  You can perform acts of service for years and years and still not satisfy your partner (if that is not their love language.)

12.  If your spouses love language is Quality Time,  the more you give them your undivided attention, the more they will feel loved by you.

13.  Many people confuse Physical Touch with sexual touch.  This love language is more about being touched by your partner in non-sexual ways like holding hands.

14.  You can even speak your spouse’s love language when they are separated from you by distance (i.e deployed in the military.)  For example, if you spouse’s love language is Quality Time, then spend some time handwriting a letter for your spouse the old fashioned way.

15. Every so often,  you need to ask your spouse how full is their love tank and what can I do to help fill it?

 BMWK –  If you find yourself living as roommates, instead of soul-mates, then it is time work on loving each other better through understanding each other’s love language.  If your spouse’s love language is different from yours and if it does not come easy for you, then you need to spend some time practicing it.   Do you and your spouse know each other’s love languages?  Which of the love languages are hardest for you to express…and what are you doing to improve in that area?

About the author

Ronnie Tyler wrote 528 articles on this blog.

Ronnie Tyler is the co-creator of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com and co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing. The proud mom of 4 has been selected by Parenting Magazine as a Must-Read Mom and is one of Babble's Top 100 Mom Bloggers.


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25 Wives Bravely Answer “What Is the One Thing You Wish You Could Say to Your Husband…but You Can’t?”

BY: - 7 Dec '15 | Marriage

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Husbands and wives get intimate with BMWK and share some of the most intimate details and private thoughts about their relationship in our He said, She said lasting love series.

Alright people.  It’s time for some truth.  Our husbands and wives get really real when they answer “What is the one thing you wish you could say to your spouse…but you can’t?”

Check here to read:  25 Husbands Answer “What Is the One Thing You Wish You Could Say to Your Wives…but You Can’t?”

1.  Put a lid on it

“Shut the hell up!” – 31, married 5 years

2. Faking It

“I put on a tough girl front for the world.  In reality, I want to be protected from the world by you” – 46, married 9 years

3. Big Baller

“You need to grow some balls sometimes” – 39, married 4 years

4. Scaredy cat

“Sometimes, I fear we won’t make it” –  27, married 2 years

5. Cut the crap

“Stop being so damn petty / bitchy” – 38, married 31 days

6. What goes around

“I don’t go down anymore because you stopped” – 48, married 21 years

7. Get with the program

“Hurry up and figure it out!” – 35, married 10 years

8. Speak on it

“Learn how to express yourself more in disagreements.  Stop shutting down.” – 45, married 9 years

9. You name it

“I’m sorry for…” – 45, married 13 years 

10. Mommy Dearest

“Your mother is horrible” –  44, married 6 years

11. The smell test

“I wish you would apply better personal hygiene at all times” – 34, married 11 years

12. Breathing room

“It’s hard to be the responsible one all the time. I never get a chance to fall down or just breathe because no one will step in and take responsibility” – 34, married 7 years

13. Heavy topic

“I really wish you would lose some weight.” – 38, married 4 years

14. Underestimated

“I’m stronger than you think” – 37, married 10 years

15. Overestimated!

“You need more stamina.” – 40, married 11 years

16. Horny

“I need more sex.” – 39, married 4 years

17. Food fight

“I wish you would stop comparing my meals to your grandmothers” – 33, married 8 years

18. Throwback

“I miss how close we were and I want that back” – 35, married 14 years

19. Boost

“I think you need some therapy regarding your childhood trauma” – 35, married 6 years

20. Front and center

“I love oral.” – 44, married 11 years

21. Stink tank

“Your feet smell.” – 43, married 10 years

22. Cheat Sheet

“Why the *#$! are you always cheating?” – 35, married 4 years

23. First and foremost

“I just want to be the most important person in the world to you.” – 37, married 11 months

24. Whine and dine

“If you don’t like your job, find a better one. Stop complaining.” – 43, married 8 years

25. Blind eye

“I hate when you don’t accept your own faults.” – 42, married 4 years

BMWK wives, any of this sound familiar? What Is something else you wish you could say to your husband, but you can’t?

Check out what the husbands had to say here.

About the author

BMWK Staff wrote 1255 articles on this blog.

Content and articles from the staff and guest contributors of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com


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