3 Big Reasons Why You Have and Will Always Have Relationship Drama

BY: - 26 Feb '16 | Marriage

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It’s one of the most challenging things to deal with in relationship coaching. When you have clients who continue to have the exact same issues over and over again in their relationships.  Often, I find these issues continuously reoccur because of deeper issues in the couple’s or individual’s personal development. And through the years, a few things have stood out to me.

Here are three major reasons why you have and will always have the same drama arising in your relationship time and time again.

Insecurity

Nothing is as challenging to a relationship as one person who comes into the relationship with a lot of insecurity. Insecurity comes in many forms. It could be checking your partner’s cell phone every chance you get or being overbearing with the bank account.  Most of the time, the issue doesn’t lie with the other partner, it lies within the individual’s insecurity. If there was a breach of trust (either in several past relationships or earlier in a person’s life), insecurity is going to hang around that person’s neck until they put in the work to get through the insecurity.  If you are in a drama-filled relationship, truthfully ask yourself if your insecurities have contributed to any of your arguments or dilemmas. If they have and you desire any hope of making the relationship last, then seek help to remove the causes of insecurity from your life.

Condemnation

Are you giving someone full authority to condemn you any time you don’t live up to their expectations? That’s condemnation. Often, people give in to condemnation and start accepting it as a part of their life. But know you can’t please everyone. What that means in relationships is you can’t unilaterally please your family, your spouse, your friends, your own needs and your relationship with God. You have to make smart decisions and let the disapproval of others run its course. Marriage is a covenant between you, your spouse and God.  Anyone’s approval beyond those three is secondary. Many of my clients live with the hope of everyone’s approval in their circle, and it simply doesn’t happen.

The drama often comes when we search for the wrong approval. Making mom and dad or our friends happy when it comes to our relationships is a recipe for disaster. There is no condemnation in covenant, and that’s all that matters. You take power over your life and relationship when you decide the only opinions that matter are the ones that are important.   It’s also important to note, keep others out of your relationship’s business, and they won’t have the opportunity to try to spoil what you have with your partner.

Manipulation/Selfishness

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If you read any of my articles you know one of my keys to relationship success is selflessness.  The opposite of selflessness is selfishness. Selfish people manipulate for their own personal gain.  If you are constantly trying to get your way in relationships (and you’re willing to do whatever you have to do to get it), that’s not a balanced relationship. That is simply manipulation and using someone to get to your end goal. Whether it’s playing coy to get a Prada bag or playing mind games with a woman to lead her on, you’re being selfish and manipulative. And most of the time, whether it’s a man or woman, that person will eventually know when they’re being manipulated. They allow it because of some dysfunction or self-esteem issue of their own. But whether you’re the one doing the manipulating or letting it happen, it always leads to constant arguments and drama.

If you know someone is manipulating you and you see this pattern, stop allowing them to get over on you. If you have been a master manipulator, stop and look at how you are treating others. We get out of relationships what we put in, so if we’re putting in manipulation and selfishness, what can we really expect to get in return?  Selflessness shows if I serve my spouse and she serves as well, we are working to meet the needs of each other and the relationship.  There’s nothing manipulative or dramatic about a healthy, loving relationship.

BMWK: What has been your most dramatic relationship? Can you pinpoint the root cause of that drama? And are you finally ready for “No More Drama?

About the author

Jay Hurt wrote 85 articles on this blog.

Jay Hurt is a Relationship Coach, columnist and author of the book, The 9 Tenets of a Successful Relationship (http://9tenetsonline.com/about-the-book ). Jay’s focus is working with people who want to design better relationships and get more out of life!

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3 Tips to Help You Cope When You’re Feeling Lonely in Your Marriage

BY: - 26 Feb '16 | Marriage

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Years ago, my husband and I were dealing with a painful loss; we each managed that pain differently. I needed him more than usual while he needed space and time to work through his feelings. That was a very lonely time for me. It was so hard, but we worked through it. We came out stronger on the other side.

Most people get married for companionship, but what happens when things change and the connection fades? After all, being married doesn’t permanently shield us from ever feeling lonely. Whatever the root cause, loneliness hurts—a lot. Maybe, like in my situation, your spouse is dealing with his own pain, and he feels the need to pull away to manage it. Maybe your heart has been broken as the result of deception and you feel like the connection you once had is lost. Or you could be married to someone who works far too many hours and you feel like he’s more committed to his career than to you.

Whatever the root cause, loneliness hurts—a lot.

But should you just accept loneliness as the new norm for your relationship? Shouldn’t every effort be made to try and return to what was—or maybe even something better than what was? Don’t settle for loneliness. Here are three tips that can help you cope when you’re married but still find yourself in a very lonely place.

Connect with Friends
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So many of us suffer in silence, afraid to tell family and friends about our struggles. The problem is, no good comes from dealing with any challenge alone. That’s not what God intended. We have to find the courage to seek support when we need it most. And even if you are uncomfortable telling your friends the details of your marital problems, you can still make it your business to spend more quality time with them. By avoiding that time to bond, you are making a lonely time in your life even lonelier.

Additionally, having joyful moments outside the home will make you a happier person at home. And happiness is contagious. When your spouse senses your mood has switched form downtrodden to upbeat, he or she may be intrigued or even magnetized to that happiness.

Seek Individual Counseling

If you have suggested marital counseling and your spouse just doesn’t seem ready, maybe you should consider individual counseling. From my experience, many people can benefit from some counseling. Whether your issues are deep or you feel confused about what’s even going on, taking the time to work through how you feel will certainly help. Make self-improvement a priority.

If there is anything life has taught me, it’s that we cannot control or change other people. We have to focus on improving ourselves. Self-improvement doesn’t necessarily take away the loneliness but it does give you something positive to focus on and that can improve your confidence and make the loneliness a lot easier to cope with. That confidence can also give you the courage to pursue experiences that can make life more enjoyable.

And again, your mate may be the first person to notice a change in your confidence and will perhaps want to take more time to get to know this new, confident you.

Express How You Feel without Pointing Fingers

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It’s possible that your spouse doesn’t even realize how you feel. Maybe it’s been going on for so long, he or she thinks it’s the norm. Or maybe your mate feels lonely, too, and just doesn’t know what to do. Express how you feel, but do it without pointing any fingers. This is a chance for you to be vulnerable and express your pain. I can’t promise your mate will respond in a way that pleases you, but I do believe you will feel better knowing that you shared how you feel about your marriage and its current state. Letting it off of your chest will help you cope.

BMWK: What are things you’ve done to cope with loneliness in your marriage?

About the author

Martine Foreman wrote 496 articles on this blog.

Martine Foreman is a speaker, writer, lifestyle consultant, and ACE-certified Health Coach who specializes in helping moms who want more out of life but feel overwhelmed and confused. Through her content and services, Martine is committed to helping women embrace their personal truth, gain clarity, and take action to create healthier, happier lives. For more on Martine's candid views on life and love, visit her at candidbelle.com. To work with her, visit her at martineforeman.com. Martine resides in Maryland with her husband, two kids and sassy cat Pepper.

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