3 Ways to Win the Heart of a Strong Black Woman

BY: - 10 Mar '16 | Relationships

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She is not to be trifled with. She has been forged through the burning sands of struggle, adversity, oppression and discrimination. She has had to fight for everything she achieved—socially, politically, sexually, economically, relationally and parentally. Who is she?

She is a Strong Black Woman

This state of instability and strife has required her to evolve into a fiercely self-sufficient woman, wielding the control and power she’s amassed over the years for her own betterment. (no, I’m not hating on black men, I’m just chronicling the plight of many black women.)

Therefore, if you, sir, are trying to win the heart of a strong black woman, you cannot be afraid of her. She, who is in an everlasting fight to secure her place on the food chain, will eat you alive.

Singer/songwriter Jill Scott echoed the sentiments my wife of 18 years, BerNadette, shared with me in the beginning of our marriage. “Don’t be scared of me. If you’re scared of me, I will eat you. I’m not kidding. So there’s no point in me dating someone that’s afraid of me because I can walk all over you. And who wants that?” Scott asked of the Breakfast Club radio show in a 2013 interview.

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All strong black women know what she means. But for the fellas, whose eyebrows are bent, let me explain. Over the decades, black women have attained education, money, influence and power. They no longer require the traditional role or resources of a man. In fact, they are now the ones exercising their option to determine what role men will have in their lives.

So, a strong black woman requires a man who’s not intimidated by her beauty, education, money, influence or power. And he’s not scared to share his thoughts and feelings with her because he knows whatever he says will add value to her life. For any man who wants to step to Jill Scott (or any strong black woman) your life experiences and confidence must be a worthy complement to hers.

If you ain’t comin’ correct (with an adequate level of knowledge, wisdom, love and overall sophistication) and you are intimidated by her accumulations, then the control and power she’s amassed (and the skill with which she wields it) will…eat…you…alive! And you, sir, will have no role in her life. So how does a man win the heart of a strong black woman? He needs to do these three tips:

1. Have Your Stuff Together

You’ve got to have your stuff together or at least be close to getting it together. What I mean is, the bare minimums must be in place: job, residence and vehicle. You also must have some long-term goals and some valid short-term plans to reach them. Your faith must exist, and you must be pursuing it further. You’ve got to check these boxes to get on the radar of a strong black woman.

And notice, I didn’t say how much money you have to have. Yes, money is good. But a strong, independent black woman will have enough money to buy herself anything she wants.

2. Listen More Than You Talk

When a man is intimidated by a woman, he will likely try to go on an all-out, self-promotion campaign. He may think by constantly talking about himself and all the qualities she should love in him, he will validate himself in her eyes. But this strategy often backfires, making him look weak, egotistical, competitive or shallow. Instead, win her over not by your resume (which she’ll read into anyway), but by your genuine interest in her. And, of course, you only get to know more about her by listening to her.

The key to listening more than you talk is to find out:

  • what things are important to her
  • what are her fears and concerns
  • how do those fears and concerns influence her decision making
  • what does she like vs. love
  • what does she dislike vs. hate
  • what are her goals and how does she pursue them
  • how have her past relationships affected her expectations for future relationships

I could go on, but you get the picture.

3. Add Value to Her Life

From the information you gather listening, now you can add value to her life by helping, supporting and encouraging her in the areas of her interest. And you can use that same information in motivating, challenging and holding her accountable in the areas in which she struggles. Listen intently in order to identify where your life experiences and skillsets can add the most value. This way, when you talk, you are saying something of great value to her.

The tricky part about this is doing it without getting slammed in the “friend zone.” I’ve found if you maintain a little mysteriousness about yourself, it keeps her interested in wanting to find out more (hence, my second point about listening more). Also, do the unexpected. Say the unexpected. Be creative.

This combination of 1) having your stuff together, 2) listening more than you talk and 3) adding value, will give you the best chance to win the heart of a strong black woman.

BMWK, do you agree? If you’re a strong black woman, in what ways can a man keep your attention and win your heart. If you’re a man, how have you won over your strong black woman?

About the author

Heath Wiggins wrote 83 articles on this blog.

The Purveyor of Understanding - Heath Wiggins married Bernadette (Bernie) Wiggins in October 1997. Together they founded the Family Bootcamp, LLC., a relationship consulting business that helps people improve the communication and trust in relationships. In 2013, Heath launched the blog and book His Leadership Her Trust to combat the lack of trust women had in allowing men be leaders in their relationships. His mission is to teach Christian men how to lead in such a way that women trust, respect, and actually want to them.

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Rocking Out with LaShawn and April Daniels of the Tamar & Vince Show

BY: - 10 Mar '16 | Black Celebrity Marriages

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I recently had the pleasure of chatting it up with the always real, down-to-earth LaShawn and April Daniels, co-stars of the Tamar & Vince show. When I was new to the blogging scene, they were one of the first celebrity couples I interviewed here on this website. I immediately became a superfan and loved what they stood for. I adored how they showed the world that there are, in fact, happily married black couples making it work every single day.

So when the opportunity presented itself to catch up with them, I didn’t hesitate. I was “yassss’ing” and “amen’ing” pretty much throughout our interview, and I’m pretty sure you’ll do the same.

BMWK: During our initial interview, the term “rock out with me” had just been born. You’ve now created a women’s empowerment movement and more from that one phrase. What inspired you to take “rock out with me” to another level?

April: Just listening to the demands of our fan base. Initially, it was women with the Rock Out With Me Empowerment Tour, but we’ve always been an advocate of healthy relationships. That’s clearly our stance on the Tamar and Vince show. So we figured if people are asking for it, why not give it to them? We can do that with our eyes closed because it’s something near and dear to our hearts.

We were newlyweds once upon a time, so it can be hard to find your rhythm. We figured if we could be transparent on TV, clearly we could do the same with this online platform.

Everyone loves to paint marriage as a white picket fence. And the minute you get in there and it changes colors, your first thought is, “Wait a minute this is not what it’s supposed to be. Maybe we made a mistake”. It’s all about sharing and letting people know they’re going to have those moments, but there is so much more if you just stick it through. We must’ve got divorced about 35 times in our heads in the beginning [laughs]. Some people don’t want to be real about that. We just really want to speak to our fan base and hopefully, speak to others who may not know who we are. We want people to know love is hard, marriage can be difficult but so worth it if you’re willing to hang in there.

LaShawn: That pretty much sums it up. If your memory serves you correctly, it started out as a couple’s thing. When you did the first interview with us, the whole “rock out with me” came from her saying it to me on the show. So it’s kind of like we’re bringing it back to the source.

BMWK: What are tips/strategies for calming down a heated discussion in order to keep unity, communication and the respect factor intact?

April: When couples are disagreeing, I think it’s very important that you take a minute before it escalates. At that point, we’re now in our emotions because we both want to be heard. We’re talking at each other instead of to each other. It helps when we first take note that we are bothered or upset. And that’s never where you want the relationship to go. At the end of the day, you have to be accountable for your actions. Take a minute and come back. Definitely don’t go to sleep in the guestroom for three days. But if you need a minute or thirty, come back and get to a place where you both can be heard and understood…It doesn’t matter how many times you apologize, you can’t take words back. They will always sit in the lower part of that person’s heart.

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Credit: April and LaShawn Daniels

BMWK: What has been the key to a loving, nurturing and long-lasting relationship between the two of you?

April: One thing people don’t really get to see or know about me is that I’m super silly. Sometimes, I’m so silly that I know Shawn wants to smack me upside my head because I’m a big kid. I think it’s very important to have a silly side to the relationship. Of course, you have the accountability with our faith. I always make sure I include God in the relationship for my husband, for myself and for my family. I want to have fun with my husband. I want to be able to laugh with him and just enjoy each other.

People get so caught up on this love thing. I love my husband without a doubt. But I really like my husband! Marriages and relationships are really lacking the like part. People tolerate each other because they said, “I do.” I work every day to keep liking him. When you like your husband or your mate on top of love, oh my goodness, you guys can conquer the world together! People get so stuck on love. But how many times have we loved something that wasn’t good for us? Love will cloud your judgment. Yes, you should love your spouse. But on top of that, you should be in like with them. He comes in the room sometimes, and I’m like, “wow, he’s my husband.”

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About the author

Christine St. Vil wrote 153 articles on this blog.

Christine St.Vil is co-author of the Whose Shoes Are Your Wearing: 12 Steps to Uncovering the Woman You Really Want to Be. A happy wife to an amazing hubby of 8 years, and homeschooling mother of three, she teaches moms how to FLY (First Love Yourself). She uses her corporate background to work with women who are ready to start a new business, accelerate their career growth & design a life they love. She's on a mission to help moms to battle the mom guilt epidemic, so they can begin to put themselves first on their never-ending list of priorities.

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