Is 85% of What You’re Looking for in a Man Enough? 3 Clues You Might Be Settling

BY: - 24 Mar '16 | Relationships

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You’ve been dating for four months, but it’s not ‘official’. You like him, buuut…you don’t know if you like-him-like-him.

This is the predicament Sarafyna is in (her girls call her Fe’). He’s into her. She’s interested in him. But she doesn’t know if she should move things forward as a friend—or as a boyfriend. And this is not an issue of picking someone who’s bad for her vs. someone who’s good for her. He has 85 percent of what she wants. But she doesn’t know if she should wait for Mr. 90 percent—or even Mr. 100 percent?

Is it okay to not like someone 100 percent and move forward? Can Mr. 85 percent qualify for boyfriend status? Or should you not settle and wait for Mr. 100 percent to show up in your life?

The answers to these questions don’t lie with Mr. 85 percent. The answers lay with Fe’—or you—if you find yourself in the same quandary. Here are three important factors you need to consider to answer those questions and determine whether you’re settling or not.

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1. 100 Percent is a Fairy Tale

You’ve heard of a soul mate, right? You’ve also probably heard people say, “I married my best friend.” Even in those ideal situations, I guarantee you those women (and men) are not getting 100 percent of what they want out of their mate. That’s because society has built your expectations so high, they have us duped, thinking that there’s someone out there that is 100 percent of what you’re looking for. LIE-ZAH! Just like you’re not the 100 percent perfect person, neither is he. Even if he’s your soulmate, no one is perfect. There’s still a percentage of things he’s lacking. So don’t set your expectations that high. Mature women know you have to accept both the 85 percent good and the 15 percent bad in a person and make the relationship work the with the percentage in your favor.

2. Know What You Can and Can’t Live With

My wife, BerNadette, tells women this all the time. What she means is, there are certain things you can deal with and certain things that are deal breakers. For my wife, lying was a deal breaker for her. But for you, those deal breakers could be his cleanliness, his career ambition, if he’s interested in having children, if he already has children. You have to know who you are well enough to know what your deal breakers are. If that 15 percent contains those deal breakers, then no matter how much of the 85 percent you like, that 15 percent will irk your nerves so much that it negates the other 85 percent.

3. Find Out What’s Holding You Back

If you like him but there’s something holding you back, then you need to pump the brakes and find out what it is. What are you afraid of? It might be something in him that’s sending off subconscious warning signals—signals the conscious part of your brain hasn’t interpreted yet. Give yourself some time and space to allow the conscious part of your brain to adequately analyze those warning signals. However, if those feelings have nothing to do with him (and it’s your hesitation to commit), then you should stop wasting his time and cut things off. If you’re not feeling the chemistry, and you can’t get past it, then you’re only hurting him by continuing to give him mixed signals.

If you’re a rip-the-Band-Aid-off kind of chick, then make it clean and quick. Don’t belabor the point. His feelings will be hurt, but he will respect you for it. But if you don’t like confrontation and want to avoid it, start pulling back in the amount of time you’re spending with him. Then hit ’em with the, “We need to talk” preface to broach the topic. He’ll know it’s coming. Be honest with him. Tell him the truth why you want to call it off, but be respectful of his feelings.

Knowing who the right person is for you sometimes feels like playing three-card Monte. You think you correctly followed all the moving pieces to ensure you pick the right one. But then you find out that you picked a Joker instead of your King. That’s why knowing what you can and can’t live with is the key to finding out what’s holding you back. Once you find that out, you’ll be able to determine if Mr. 85 percent is perfect for you, or if you’re settling.

But be mindful, if you trade Mr. 85 percent in for a future Mr. 100 percent, you might only be Ms. 85 percent to him. Or, Mr. 100 percent might not appear, and you might end up with Mr. 0 percent. So choose wisely.

BMWK, is 85 percent of what you want in a man enough for you, or is it settling?

 

About the author

Heath Wiggins wrote 83 articles on this blog.

The Purveyor of Understanding - Heath Wiggins married Bernadette (Bernie) Wiggins in October 1997. Together they founded the Family Bootcamp, LLC., a relationship consulting business that helps people improve the communication and trust in relationships. In 2013, Heath launched the blog and book His Leadership Her Trust to combat the lack of trust women had in allowing men be leaders in their relationships. His mission is to teach Christian men how to lead in such a way that women trust, respect, and actually want to them.

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How Can I Keep my Wife Happy? 3 Steps to a Happy Wife and Happy Life

BY: - 24 Mar '16 | Marriage

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Hi Dr. Buckingham,

My wife and I have been married for two years, and we are hearing a lot of negative talk about marriage. We both come from broken homes and are afraid our pasts will impact our marriage. We are young, in love and work hard to remain positive about our marriage. My wife and I have a 1-year-old daughter, and I want to do everything in my power to keep my wife happy and family together. I believe in the saying, “A happy wife, a happy life.” What advice do you have for me? How can I keep my wife happy?

Thanks in advance,

Young and Married

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Dear Young and Married,

Do not stress about trying to have a perfect marriage because there is no such thing. There are healthy and unhealthy marriages. Your goal is to have a healthy marriage filled with happiness. I often remind young couples that marriage is what you make it. You make it good or bad, depending on the work you put into it.

In my opinion, a lot of people fail at marriage because they listen to and surround themselves with the wrong types of people. Keep negative people at a distance and keep your wife close. This will help you keep your house in order. Also, remember your wife is your obligation and your daughter is your responsibility. You vowed before God to love and honor your wife and committed to fatherhood when you helped birthed your daughter.

I agree with the saying, “A Happy Wife, A Happy Life.” Given this, here are three strategies to keep your wife happy.

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Remain One Flesh

“What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate;” this is according to Mark chapter 10, verse 9. When you stood before God, your family and friends at the altar, you became one flesh with your wife. Both you and your wife happily recited vows and promised to love each other forever as one. Your wife is your gift from God, and you have to work diligently to take care of your gift. This involves removing negative forces who are working against your marriage. Equip yourself with the good relationship skills and spiritual wisdom needed to address people who threaten your marriage. If you want to keep your wife happy, remain one flesh and do not let anyone come between you and her.

Keep an Open Mind

Marriage is like a rollercoaster. You will have ups and downs. However, the key to enjoying the rollercoaster is to keep an open mind. As life happens, your love for your wife will be tested. During challenging times, you will long for what you had in the beginning. Be careful during this period because the mind can become rigid and stubbornness will sink in. When you focus on what was, you get stuck. Understand that marriages evolve and the people in them grow. Therefore, it is important to keep an open mind, so that you can mature with new seasons too. I often remind people a closed mind is like a closed bank account…nothing can be deposited. Nurture your mind, so you can nurture your marriage and wife.

Never Say No When It Is Possible to Say Yes

This is a personal strategy of mine. I keep my wife happy because I never say, “no” when it is possible to say, “yes.” I have learned the power of “yes.” If you want to generate positive energy and happiness, give your wife what she needs to be happy. Some men say, “no” when they can easily say, “yes.” If my wife ask for a new purse and her request does not create problems for us financially, I say, “yes.” Life is too short to live in disharmony. Do not worry about spoiling your wife because there is no such thing. “Yes” responses are more likely to generate more “yes” responses. It’s called Karma; you reap what you sow. You generate happiness, so you can be happy.

Good luck with your marriage and remember to keep God in the center. Never take your wife for granted and remember that your happiness is determined by your actions.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

BMWK, what other ways do you keep your spouse happy?

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

 

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 219 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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