You’re His Girlfriend, Not His Wife. These 4 Things Won’t Get You a Ring?

BY: - 23 Mar '16 | Single

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I packed his lunch. I got up early before my workday started to drive to his apartment, pick him up and drop him off at the office. I rearranged my schedule to make sure I could take him home. I picked up his favorite snacks when we had movie night. I used my credit card to pay for his shopping sprees and loaned him my car when he wanted to take an overnight trip to see his family.

The pain of discovering he was cheating on me was magnified when I realized our whole relationship consisted of me acting like his wife—when he hadn’t even treated me like his girlfriend yet.

Of course, I’ve moved on from that relationship and have found better for myself. I’m now happily married to the man of my dreams.

Yet, now as a wife, wiser woman and dating coach, I’ve worked with plenty of women who still hold my old mentality. These women believe they need to act like a wife, so a man can see them as marriage material. I now know this truism couldn’t be further from the truth.

If you’re doing these four things in your relationship, you may be bestowing wife privileges to someone who doesn’t even treat you like a girlfriend. And as a result, you could be sabotaging your chances for marriage.

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  1. Playing House

You cook his favorite meals every night, fix his plate and bring it to him while he’s watching the game. You clean his house, pick up his suits from the cleaners, run his errands and basically take care of his every need before he even asks. He gives you a key to his apartment because you practically live there.

Maybe you’ve been listening to the (bad) advice that a woman’s worth is related to her ability to keep a home and that a man won’t marry her if she can’t cook or clean. Or perhaps you’re just a traditional sister who embraces traditional gender roles. No matter how you got here, playing Suzy Homemaker isn’t going to convince him to marry you. You want a man to choose you because of who you are not because of what you do for him.

  1. Putting His Needs First

You’re a vegetarian, but he likes surf and turf, so you always go to his favorite restaurant for date night. You need to study in order to pass your comprehensive exams, but he says he really wants you to come over and hang out. You want to go with your girls for a special outing, but he says he wants you to be available when he gets off work.

While healthy relationships require compromise from both individuals, you shouldn’t have to sacrifice what you need to be healthy and happy just to please him. Furthermore, if he is marriage material, he will want the best for you and will take greater care not to put you in predicaments where you’re forced to choose between his needs and yours.

  1.  Sleeping With Him

I remember running into a woman at the bookstore who was browsing the shelves, looking for dating advice. She told me she believed unless she slept with her man, he wouldn’t want to commit to her, much less marry her.

Sadly, you hear this kind of advice everywhere you turn. Some people think you have to “test drive” your partner to make sure the sex will be good, otherwise you could end up trapped in a bad marriage. Others act like sex has magical powers that can convince a man to get down on one knee and pop the question.

Sex may make you lovable for a moment, but if you want to be married for a lifetime, you need a man to commit to you because he loves, honors and cherishes you.

  1. Giving Him Money

Sisters fall into this trap one sad story at a time. First it’s a cell phone bill. Then it’s a “family emergency.” The next thing you know, you’re paying for his vacations, supporting his kids and buying him a car. If you’re trying to help him manage his finances, you’ve stepped over into a co-dependent relationship. You give him money in exchange for him giving you a false hope that your relationship will go to the next level.

If you aren’t sharing responsibilities, you are not obligated to share your finances with him.

Girl, playing house is for kids. Grown folks will set clear boundaries in their relationships, which carry over into their marriages. You shouldn’t have to take care of his house, his body or his money to convince him to marry you. You are his girlfriend, not his wife. Act like it.

BMWK, did you play house in a past relationship? What was the result?

 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 146 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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Is 85% of What You’re Looking for in a Man Enough? 3 Clues You Might Be Settling

BY: - 24 Mar '16 | Relationships

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You’ve been dating for four months, but it’s not ‘official’. You like him, buuut…you don’t know if you like-him-like-him.

This is the predicament Sarafyna is in (her girls call her Fe’). He’s into her. She’s interested in him. But she doesn’t know if she should move things forward as a friend—or as a boyfriend. And this is not an issue of picking someone who’s bad for her vs. someone who’s good for her. He has 85 percent of what she wants. But she doesn’t know if she should wait for Mr. 90 percent—or even Mr. 100 percent?

Is it okay to not like someone 100 percent and move forward? Can Mr. 85 percent qualify for boyfriend status? Or should you not settle and wait for Mr. 100 percent to show up in your life?

The answers to these questions don’t lie with Mr. 85 percent. The answers lay with Fe’—or you—if you find yourself in the same quandary. Here are three important factors you need to consider to answer those questions and determine whether you’re settling or not.

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1. 100 Percent is a Fairy Tale

You’ve heard of a soul mate, right? You’ve also probably heard people say, “I married my best friend.” Even in those ideal situations, I guarantee you those women (and men) are not getting 100 percent of what they want out of their mate. That’s because society has built your expectations so high, they have us duped, thinking that there’s someone out there that is 100 percent of what you’re looking for. LIE-ZAH! Just like you’re not the 100 percent perfect person, neither is he. Even if he’s your soulmate, no one is perfect. There’s still a percentage of things he’s lacking. So don’t set your expectations that high. Mature women know you have to accept both the 85 percent good and the 15 percent bad in a person and make the relationship work the with the percentage in your favor.

2. Know What You Can and Can’t Live With

My wife, BerNadette, tells women this all the time. What she means is, there are certain things you can deal with and certain things that are deal breakers. For my wife, lying was a deal breaker for her. But for you, those deal breakers could be his cleanliness, his career ambition, if he’s interested in having children, if he already has children. You have to know who you are well enough to know what your deal breakers are. If that 15 percent contains those deal breakers, then no matter how much of the 85 percent you like, that 15 percent will irk your nerves so much that it negates the other 85 percent.

3. Find Out What’s Holding You Back

If you like him but there’s something holding you back, then you need to pump the brakes and find out what it is. What are you afraid of? It might be something in him that’s sending off subconscious warning signals—signals the conscious part of your brain hasn’t interpreted yet. Give yourself some time and space to allow the conscious part of your brain to adequately analyze those warning signals. However, if those feelings have nothing to do with him (and it’s your hesitation to commit), then you should stop wasting his time and cut things off. If you’re not feeling the chemistry, and you can’t get past it, then you’re only hurting him by continuing to give him mixed signals.

If you’re a rip-the-Band-Aid-off kind of chick, then make it clean and quick. Don’t belabor the point. His feelings will be hurt, but he will respect you for it. But if you don’t like confrontation and want to avoid it, start pulling back in the amount of time you’re spending with him. Then hit ’em with the, “We need to talk” preface to broach the topic. He’ll know it’s coming. Be honest with him. Tell him the truth why you want to call it off, but be respectful of his feelings.

Knowing who the right person is for you sometimes feels like playing three-card Monte. You think you correctly followed all the moving pieces to ensure you pick the right one. But then you find out that you picked a Joker instead of your King. That’s why knowing what you can and can’t live with is the key to finding out what’s holding you back. Once you find that out, you’ll be able to determine if Mr. 85 percent is perfect for you, or if you’re settling.

But be mindful, if you trade Mr. 85 percent in for a future Mr. 100 percent, you might only be Ms. 85 percent to him. Or, Mr. 100 percent might not appear, and you might end up with Mr. 0 percent. So choose wisely.

BMWK, is 85 percent of what you want in a man enough for you, or is it settling?

 

About the author

Heath Wiggins wrote 83 articles on this blog.

The Purveyor of Understanding - Heath Wiggins married Bernadette (Bernie) Wiggins in October 1997. Together they founded the Family Bootcamp, LLC., a relationship consulting business that helps people improve the communication and trust in relationships. In 2013, Heath launched the blog and book His Leadership Her Trust to combat the lack of trust women had in allowing men be leaders in their relationships. His mission is to teach Christian men how to lead in such a way that women trust, respect, and actually want to them.

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