Man to Man: 3 Simple Things to Remember When You Feel Like Giving Up on Your Marriage

BY: - 18 Apr '16 | Marriage

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A few years back, my wife and I were in the middle of searching for a new place to live. Our lease was up, and we had a few weeks to find a new address. We were procrastinating, but it was time to get serious with our search. One night while on the couch, we sat in another night of endless silence. The symbolic chasm seemed too deep to navigate. For years now that rift between us was growing wider. We routinely filled that gap with silence. Many times the silence speaks volumes about a marriage on the ropes.

I finally spoke up.

“What do you think about if our next place were separate places?”

The night didn’t go well from there. We separated and found different addresses.

Fast forward five years later, and my marriage is stronger than ever. Even after that moment when she removed her ring and placed on the kitchen island, there was still hope. Luckily, we found that hope together when so many couples don’t.

But I remember continuing to remind myself of a few simple things over and over again, which helped get my wife and I from where we were to closer to where we wanted to be.

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You chose marriage

It’s almost too easy to focus on all the places in your marriage you wish were better. I wish we had better sex. I wish she prioritized me more. I wish it didn’t seem like we spoke different languages. I didn’t sign up for this drama. Actually, yes you did. I did. We all did. Unless you’re involved in an arranged marriage, you chose this life. You chose this commitment – voluntarily. Regardless if not going the way you expected it to, no one made you do this. And I challenge you to find one successfully married couple who’s life has gone according to expectations. Individuals in successful marriages learn how to bend, so they don’t break. I had to remind myself that as a grown man, I needed to do my best to make choices that were in line with the obligation I made to another human being.

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You chose each other for a reason

At one time, there was hope. Almost anything is possible as long as there’s a foundation of hope. For some couples, all they ever had was hope. I had to remind myself we chose one another over almost everything else in our lives.

At one time, we chose to spend time with one another rather than spend that time with anyone else. Why was that? Why did we choose one another? Why did she choose me? Why didn’t I feel the same anymore? Why is it important I felt chosen by her? By anyone at all?

Knowing why a person does anything rather than nothing is a practice in awareness. How many of us are self-aware before we dedicate ourself to another human being for life? In spite of our youthful naivety, there’s still a reason I wanted to give myself away. I had to understand our “why” better. I had to know why I was so ready to voluntarily serve this person for a lifetime.

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You can only control yourself

If there was one simple message I repeated to myself more than anything else, it was that I could only control my actions. I can influence, suggest, communicate, empathize with other people, but a grown person can’t make another grown person do anything. A wife can’t make her husband do anything, nor can man do the same for his wife.

Genuine motivation is intrinsic. At the end of the day, we end up doing whatt we want to do anyway. I realized that I needed to lead by example. And even if that example was to show more effort, then I had to be in control of my effort regardless of what was happening around me. I would need to rely on hope and communication to get us the rest of the way.

More than five years later, and we’re still working on it. However many of us never truly change until we’re on the edge of disaster. I’m grateful we had our moment and hope you other men out there have some core reminders you can repeat to yourself during the hard months and years.

Because if there is one guarantee, it is that every successful marriage is bound to face their own challenging years. But how you control your thoughts and actions will bring you to the other side of those years. Like myself, I hope the other side is the cool side of your marriage’s pillow.

BMWK, were you ever once at a crossroad in your marriage? How did you get things back on track?

 

About the author

Isom Kuade wrote 70 articles on this blog.

Isom Kuade is a father and a husband, resting his head in the middle of Texas. He's doing his best to adult with purpose and sneak in some good meals along the way. He and his wife tell stories of their triumphs, failures, and biased opinions at pancakesandcider.com.

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#VoteTrumpGetDumped; the Latest Relationship Hot Topic

BY: - 18 Apr '16 | Marriage

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Can you believe the three-ring circus that is going on in the political realm? Politics have always had hidden agendas and cut-throat tactics. However, today it resembles something seen on reality television.

I watched a late night news program and saw there is a new slogan among a large group of women: Vote Trump, Get Dumped. The news program talked about the social media rage, in which women vow to break up or withhold sex if their partner is voting for Trump. There are social media pages gaining tens of thousands of likes because of this. The #votetrumpgetdumped hashtag is trending. There is a Facebook page that quickly gained more than 14,000 likes. There is also the website with the same mantra, which is doing quite well. So I wondered:

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Pillow talk and politics. Do they go together?

I  had to do a little research on this subject. Well, to my surprise a woman by the name of  Laureate Leymah Gbowee actually won the Nobel Peace Prize. For what you ask? For helping to end the violence of warlords in Liberia by heading a sex strike. The women organized and withheld sex from their husbands because they supported a mission they did not agree with.

The Huffington Post asks Gbowee if withholding sex was an effective strategy? She answered, “There are a lot of good men out there! The percentage of men who wage war is very small. Good men outnumber evil men, but why are they silent? Our strategy helps the good men because it gives them a reason to take action. They start talking to their colleagues and beer buddies, saying “this war is wrong.”

Not giving up sex is an effective way to get your man’s attention on any subject, including politics and war. Can you agree with that? (It’s not funny but it does make you giggle).

However, getting your partner/spouse’s attention is one thing; splitting up is something all together different. Differences happen in relationships. Yet, the deeper you are in your relationship, the more you have likely weighed those differences and whether they classify as deal breakers or not.

For couples fresh into the dating stage, if you’ve discovered such extreme political differences that you see no way around it, then make the obvious choice. However, I believe that when politics can cause such a divide between husband and wife that they split, something is wrong and it goes deeper than the presidential election.

If you are even remotely considering leaving your spouse over this election, I beg you to seek counseling. No matter who you are voting for, remember to keep your family first. Have conversations about political issues, don’t argue over them. The presidential race will be over in a few months, but your family life will go on. Take it all in stride and keep Trump out of your bedrooms.

BMWK, what do you think about this issue? Do you think politics belong in your bedroom? Do you withhold sex to get your way in your relationship?

About the author

Deborah L. Mills wrote 183 articles on this blog.

Coach, AUTHOR, Speaker, WIFE, Mom, and GRANDMOTHER. That's the gist of who I am. I love people and love to see their life and relationships thrive. As a coach I am ready to support your dream when you don't feel like it. As an author and speaker I am ready to pour into your life so that you can live your best life now. I am a personal and executive coach. Together with my husband I also marriage coach. GO TO MY WEBSITE. THERE IS A FREE GIFT THERE WAITING FOR YOU. http://bit.ly/2deborahlmills

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