Black Men, It’s Time to Get Your ‘ISH Together; Black Women Are Tired of Waiting

BY: - 21 Apr '16 | Relationships

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Event #1: I was at a restaurant, supporting my friend Tiffani’s blog launch. There were a good number of single women there. So…Tiff shouts me out and shouts out my Relationship Bootcamp business I run.

“Hey ladies, I’m going to go to Heath’s Relationship Bootcamp for Singles. We all should go together,” she said encouragingly. That’s when the necks started rolling, teeth started sucking and a chorus of mumbling rang out at the adjacent table.

Event #2: Later the same day, I hosted an afternoon meet-n-greet to welcome some new volunteers into the ministry were I serve. Somehow, I find myself hemmed up in a corner…facilitating an intense conversation between two single women and one poor unsuspecting single man about why black men won’t snatch-up all these available beautiful black women.

“What else can I do?” asked Zatia frustratingly (she was one of the two single women). “I’ve done everything everyone says you’re supposed to do for some man to pick you. But you got all these men just sitting there…chilling. They ain’t picking nobody! What’s that about?!”


At both events, I did my relationship-consulting thing, and I probed the groups to get a better understanding of what the problem was. And at both events, the intensity of their frustration was eerily the same: ‘I’m tired of waiting on these black men to finish ‘working on themselves’ and get their ‘ish together.

Look, I’ve done the research and know the valid reasons why black men among every other sex and race are hesitant to enter into committed relationships. But frankly, black women don’t care about the “why” anymore. They’re tired of hearing the “I didn’t have a father figure in my life” sob-story—regardless of how valid it is. They’re tired of hearing about the pressure society places on black men. Blah…blah…blah. They’ve had it just as hard too—if not harder.

And for real-for real, I couldn’t argue with them or mount a defense because I’m flummoxed too. I don’t get why single black men in their 30s or 40s, who say they want a relationship, are just chillin’ and content. It’s not like there aren’t some real good single Christian black women out there waiting for a dude to step to her. I know dozens of women I’d feel comfortable recommending to a dude. But I only know four single men whom I feel comfortable hooking them up with. And half of them are just chillin’.


My single brothers, here’s some free advice for you:

  1. If you’re not ready for a relationship, then don’t get into one. But I challenge you to define what ‘ready’ looks like. Is it financial, spiritual, emotional and/or educational? Because if you don’t know what your destination looks like, then you won’t know when you’ve arrive and when to stop looking.
  2. And as far as this “working on yourself” thing you’re doing, you’re doing it all wrong if you’re doing it by yourself. You need accountability from a married man who’s successfully “worked” on himself and got a wife. You need someone objective in your corner who can observe the work you’re doing and can tell you when to piss and when to get off the pot.
  3. Stop thinking “I have to get my money right before I can commit to a relationship.” That’s an old-school standard that’s now obsolete in this new era where black women probably make more money than you anyway (as my wife does). She don’t need yo’ money. She don’t want yo’ money. She just wants you.
  4. Lastly, make a decision! Please, brugh! Make a decision. Your indecisiveness is so wack. Look, there will always be someone who looks better, talks better, dresses better and is better than the woman you choose. But loving relationships are never about picking the best one. They’re about making your relationship the best with the one you picked.

I wish I could end this article with a warm and fuzzy happy ending. But we are still in the middle of this relationship saga. All I can say is, to be continued…

BMWK, why are black men just chillin’ and so hesitant to enter into relationships?


About the author

Heath Wiggins wrote 83 articles on this blog.

The Purveyor of Understanding - Heath Wiggins married Bernadette (Bernie) Wiggins in October 1997. Together they founded the Family Bootcamp, LLC., a relationship consulting business that helps people improve the communication and trust in relationships. In 2013, Heath launched the blog and book His Leadership Her Trust to combat the lack of trust women had in allowing men be leaders in their relationships. His mission is to teach Christian men how to lead in such a way that women trust, respect, and actually want to them.


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NO Hair, Don’t Care. I’m Sexy and I Know It, Alopecia and All

BY: - 21 Apr '16 | Marriage

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By Tanya Barnett 

I have alopecia! There I said it! Five years ago, those three words stuck in the back of my throat. I could barely whisper them without tears streaming down my face.

Alopecia is an autoimmune disease that attacks the hair follicles. What does this mean? It means I live with permanent hair loss. I am bald.

When I first received the diagnosis from the dermatologist, I freaked out. I made the appointment to get some medicine to help me grow hair in the many bald spots appearing all over my scalp. I just figured I was stressed out, and she would tell me to relax and pop a few pills. I was devastated when that was not the case.

After all, I had shoulder-length locs that I patiently waited more than three years to grow. She told me I was eventually going to be bald. She offered me pills, injections and creams in an attempt to grow more hair. However, the medications had so many side effects, so I was torn by the decision that laid before me—to take the pills or not. I asked her to give me time to think about it, and she gave me a few pamphlets to read.

Living in a society that glorifies beauty, I was distraught when the doctor had the audacity to utter those words to me. Truth be told, African American women love our hair. I remember getting my hair pressed Saturday afternoons for church the next day. My mother would be mad if it started to frizz up before school on Monday. Statistics verify just how much we value our hair. Sales of hair care products for African Americans reached $774 million in 2014, representing a 12 percent increase since 2009, according to Mintel’s Black Consumers and Haircare executive summary. WOW! To think, I would no longer be included in this number was mind boggling.

I cried all the way home from that doctor’s office. I was afraid to share with my husband the information. What would he think about having a bald wife? Would he be disappointed? Would he still see me as sexy once it was all gone? Would he want to be seen in public with me? All sorts of rejection thoughts ran through my mind.

As I look back at that stressful time in my life, I can’t help but be annoyed that I didn’t trust my husband’s love for me. I didn’t tell him right away what the doctor said, but when I did, I was not prepared for his response. He embraced me and kissed me. He told me he loved me and would love me with or without hair. He held me as I cried over the reality that I would not have hair. We discussed the side effects of the medications, and he emphatically said he did not want me to risk my health for a 50/50 chance to grow hair.

A few weeks later, my hubby asked me if I was okay for the thousandth time. That particular morning, I had been moving my locs all over my head, trying to hide and cover the growing bald spots. I gave up and had a breakdown on the bathroom floor. He knelt down, rubbed my back and told me over and again how much he loved me. After my pity-party, I decided to just cut it all off. He offered to go with me for support. When we pulled up to the barbershop, I was so nervous I felt like I was going to lose my mind in the car. He prayed for me to have strength before we walked in the door. As we walked in the barbershop that day, I knew my life was about to change.



Tanya Barnett works tirelessly to inspire, motivate and encourage women and girls who are dealing with challenging life issues to embrace all of who they are.  She is also the founder of Forever Free Books, a mobile nonprofit that delivers free books to children in need. She is an avid reader, aspiring author and loves to garden. She and her husband have three children and a dog. Follow her on Facebook / Instagram / Twitter /PER: @TanyasXchange


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