How the Power of Positive Thinking Can Help You Find Your Spouse

BY: - 22 Apr '16 | Relationships

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When we are looking to build a good relationship, we try to do our best not to have a repeat of our last bad relationship.  If someone cheated, we want someone who won’t cheat.  If someone lied to us often, we want someone who doesn’t lie.  If the ex was lazy, we want someone with drive.  If there was a lack of communication, we want someone expressive.  The challenge with those thought patterns is that we focus on the negative of the prior situation. Therefore, we often attract people who are exactly what we say we didn’t want.  Let’s try something new.


Look for What You Do Want in a Spouse

You and I both know what you don’t want:  A lying, cheating, trifling, lackadaisical companion.  Okay, that stated, now think about what you really want.  You may want someone who is good with kids.  You might want a person who can cook.  You might want someone who is assertive.  When you look for positive qualities, you don’t miss the boat by overreacting to a negative.

No one is perfect, so if you look for something bad, you will find it.  Try looking for the good in someone. And when you do eventually find turn-offs, those good qualities (which you put such a high emphasis on in the first place), may more than likely overshadow the bad. Don’t get me wrong, I want you to spot red flags—but they are normally as big stop signs if you’re paying attention.  The better qualities can be harder to spot, unless you look for them.

Look for the Positive in Others as It Helps Your Attitude

Dating can be daunting.  Everyone has their own set of experiences, and some of them are bad.  Sometimes, this can make us jaded.  Being jaded is not going to help your dating experience.  If you go into a situation with a negative attitude and looking for the negative in people, you are already placing yourself in a negative space. If you spend the entire date fishing for dislikes, you will not only find them but you’re less likely to acknowledge the likes. And that attitude will come across clearly on your date.

Humans are sometimes predisposed to want to find the worst in people; their experiences make them even more pessimistic, and they can’t find the good in anyone.  Control your emotion and your perception.  If you look at everyone in a positive light, you start new relationships being optimistic, instead of bitter or overly cautious.  This gives you a chance to learn about a new person with a fresh perspective and more congenial attitude.


Look to God to Let “All Things Work Together for Good”

Yes, this is a phrase from scripture, Romans chapter 8, verse 28. But it applies to relationships more than you might have considered.  Have you ever considered that everything you learned in your past relationships helped you grow to who you are now?  Whether you were hurt or whether you were treated like gold, all of it worked together to prepare you for the right relationship at the right time.

In the moment, we get caught up in the pain and anger of a bad relationship.  If you take the time to think about the relationship, you can find what was good, what was bad and what you should continue doing in other relationships.  In that context, that relationship worked in harmony with every relationship you ever had and contributed to your good.  The takeaway is to go into new relationships, realizing no matter the outcome, it will work toward your good, so think positively from the beginning.

I know divorced couples; and I know, with some of them, the divorce happened because those couples essentially focused solely on the negative of their relationships.  But that doesn’t have to happen.  Focus on the positive in your relationship and in the people you meet.  This attitude will serve you well as you grow the relationship to its next level.

BWMK, are you looking for the positive in your relationship? Singles, I challenge you point out five positives on your next date.

About the author

Jay Hurt wrote 85 articles on this blog.

Jay Hurt is a Relationship Coach, columnist and author of the book, The 9 Tenets of a Successful Relationship ( ). Jay’s focus is working with people who want to design better relationships and get more out of life!


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Single Ladies, How to Know When It’s Time to Tell Him Goodbye (Part 2)

BY: - 25 Apr '16 | Relationships

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Last week, we dealt with the “Emotional Manipulator” and “Arguing vs. Fighting.” (click here to read). Part II, begins with…Deal-breakers

Relationship deal-breakers usually consist of things like smoking, drinking, drug usage, children, bad credit, criminal record, no college education, inadequate money, undesirable physical attributes, religious differences, etc.? This list is in no way an exhaustive list or a suggestion that these are even justifiable deal-breakers. It’s up to the individual to make those determinations.

But before entering the relationship, did you clearly articulate what things were non-negotiable? This is one of the primary reasons you don’t want to rush into a relationship and allow your emotions the chance to engage. There is groundwork that needs to take place beforehand. You both should go over your non-negotiable list before moving forward. Far too many times, people rush past this vital step, opting only to focus on things that don’t lend themselves to potential conflict, avoiding any subject matter that may disrupt the “good times.”

This is a huge mistake. After the emotions are engaged, it’s very difficult to part ways even after you have clearly identified a deal-breaker. Your vision becomes cloudy, you make excuses, and you choose to ignore what would have been much easier to walk away from earlier. The sooner you address the non-negotiables, the better. When you don’t and let the relationship run its course, the relationship will likely crash and burn—and those deal-breakers you first ignored will quite often play a role.

So whether you’re just dating or at a roadblock in the relationship, I suggest looking at these deal-breakers to decide whether to end the relationship or stay the course.

Do the two of you have spiritual differences?

Is the relationship causing you to grow? Does it add to you in ways that transcend the superficial? Is your interaction with this person stimulating your mind or just your body? Body stimulation will not provide the foundation that is needed to build a strong relationship on. Are the two of you on the same page spiritually? In relationships, it’s important that you’re building your foundation from the same blueprint. Popular culture have bought into the idea that conflicting beliefs will not cause problems.
But I disagree. Our beliefs are what govern the course of our lives. We make major and even minor decisions based upon the tenets of our faith. This can easily cause conflict when we hold opposing values on certain issues based upon our foundational beliefs. This can run the gamut from how children are raised to how certain holidays are celebrated if they are celebrated at all. When the differences cause conflict and rob, rather than feed the spirit, it’s time to part ways.

Do the two of you have differences in values or behavior?

There is no justifiable reason that one should have to explain the behavior of their mate. If you find yourself making excuses for your mate’s behavior, your relationship is already in trouble and you’re choosing to ignore it rather than make the hard decision to end the relationship if this is a constant behavioral issue. In another instance, this could also identify a difference in values, which is still a problem. How do you reconcile this difference? Which one of you should yield to the other? These are decisions that have to be hashed out if possible. Depending on the severity of the concern and how committed each individual is to their way of doing things, this may be something that can be worked through with patience.

The failure of many couples is in taking the “let’s see where this goes” approach to dating then, having to make the very difficult decision of whether to end or continue on once these real life issues/concerns are no longer avoidable. It hurts too much to continue the course from one poorly chosen relationship to another. A lesson learned is the best use of the “teachable moments” provided for you by bad relationships.

BMWK, how do you know when it’s time to throw in the towel?


About the author

Derek Q. Sanders wrote 50 articles on this blog.

Derek Q. Sanders is the author of the newly released women’s guide to dating men, “Out-Dated: Rethinking How Men Date Women.” He is a certified life & relationship coach, blogger, public speaker, social commentator, and host of the BlogTalkRadio Show, “Writeous Talk on Love and Relationships.” Derek's mission is to foster strong healthy relationships by providing thought-provoking commentary that creates the atmosphere for dialogue that invites meaningful conversations between men and women to improve the quality of our relationships by finding and offering viable solutions.


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