LADIES: It’s Unacceptable to Compete for a Man…Until You Reach This Point

BY: - 23 Jun '16 | Relationships

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I saw the shift take place in the 90s. In fact, I was a part of it.

I went to college in the late 80s. Back then, girls had all the power. Guys would clamor for their attention. Girls would sit back…pick and choose whoever they wanted to date. If you weren’t tall, light-skinned with good hair and nice eyes…you were showt (adj. [show-T]. urban pronunciation of ‘short’; meaning: left out; not picked; too late).

As a short, dark-skinned, nappy-headed dude, I was showt! Since physicality was not my strength, I had to use my wit, humor and general nice-guy demeanor to woo the ladies. But when it was all said and done…I was still showt!

But after I graduated college in the early 90s, I began seeing the shift from physical status to emotional status. Women were looking for men with good relationship qualities. The guys who were once overlooked, began to pick and choose whom they wanted to date. Those were some good years for ya-boy…lemme tell ya.

Several of us picked one and got married. I chose my wife from among nine other women (that’s a story for another day) and got married in 1997. However, others chose to remain in a state of perpetual picking.


Fast-Forward One Generation

Fast forward 20 years, there’s now a generation of men and women, ages 25  to 45, who have witnessed and experienced a climate of men picking and not choosing. In my observation, younger men, who followed their older predecessors, grew up, valuing picking over choosing.

Over time, women had to adapt to this new normal. That brought on the dawn of women competing for the attention, time and affection of the few good men, who were picking and choosing a wife. By competing, I’m talking about women knowingly or unknowingly highlighting their assets in an attempt to be chosen over other women.

Most women I know think it’s unacceptable to compete for a man. They believe they’re too valuable and precious. It’s beneath them.

And they’re right – until they’re not anymore.

A Good Man is Hard to Find

By and large, women still hold on to the dream of having a family with a good man by her side. However, in this era of scarcity, the elusive good man is hard to find (particularly when women out number men in major cities such as Atlanta, Baltimore, L.A., Philadelphia, San Francisco, etc.). And if you find one, he has to be willing to pick you, cut-off the others, and choose you as a wife.

But why should he choose you over the others? Is it because you’re so fabulous, wonderful, blessed and highly favored? Maybe. But how would he know that before he starts dating you. That is…unless you highlight your assets for him to see. I’m not talking about wearing a Beyoncé-style unitard out to dinner (though you undoubtedly would get attention!). Let’s get serious. I’m talking about highlighting those wifey characteristics that all good men want…like being supportive, encouraging, humble and a little flirty.

Perhaps you believe it’s still the man’s responsibility to pursue you and find out? Well…yeah… if you still hold true to those good Christian values of 50 years ago, when men’s focus was on finding a wife and starting a family. But these ain’t those days anymore.

Could it be…the tide has shifted so far left that it’s now the women’s responsibility to make men aware of how fabulous, wonderful, blessed and highly favored they are? Because know…you’re living in a day and age where the availability of good relationship-ready men is anemic. Just attend any singles event in your city, and see how many more women show up than men.


Is it Acceptable to Compete for a Man?

In an attempt to achieve their dream of a husband and a family, some women, in my assessment, have abandoned the notion that their wonderfulness will be discovered organically. These women have started…knowingly or unknowingly…highlighting their assets so they will get picked over the others. Some have gone the unitard route…others the wifey route. Some women are even doing the picking themselves. Either way, they are still competing for a man, just like the short dark-skinned nappy-headed dudes had to do back in the late 80s.

To the women who feel it’s beneath you to compete for a man (and who think it will always be the man’s responsibility to pursue you), stand your ground! I agree with you. I pursued my wife. But just know…that was a generation ago. You’re now living in an era where men are perfectly content perpetually picking and not choosing. Just know that the good ones, who are choosing, are faced with a barrage of choices from the unitard-clad Yoncé-types to wifey-type chicks competing for their attention. Therefore, you just might end up showt.

But if you reach the point where your desire for a good husband and family weighs more than your contempt against competing for it, then go for yours and sin not. Make sure you don’t compromise your body, soul and spirit while competing. Trust me…good men will respect you all the more if you do it in a dignified way.

BMWK – Is it EVER acceptable for women to compete for a man?

About the author

Heath Wiggins wrote 83 articles on this blog.

The Purveyor of Understanding - Heath Wiggins married Bernadette (Bernie) Wiggins in October 1997. Together they founded the Family Bootcamp, LLC., a relationship consulting business that helps people improve the communication and trust in relationships. In 2013, Heath launched the blog and book His Leadership Her Trust to combat the lack of trust women had in allowing men be leaders in their relationships. His mission is to teach Christian men how to lead in such a way that women trust, respect, and actually want to them.


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You’re a Grown Woman; Stop Believing in This “Happy Marriage” Fairy Tale

BY: - 23 Jun '16 | Home

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Anita Baker once sang:

My story ends, as stories do
Reality steps into view
No longer living life in paradise – no fairy tales

She sings about the fairy tales her mother used to share about royal kisses, magic spells and princes who slay dragons. She discovers the reality, as many of us do, realizing that love and that so-called knight in shining armor cannot alone make your fairy tale life come true.

As my husband Chris and I, celebrate 10 years of marriage next Thursday, I can tell you our marriage has been far from a fairy tale. Like most marriages, we have had our challenges. Our marriage mirrors that of a roller coaster.  Lord knows we have had happy highs and lonely lows in our 16-year romance; we’ve felt every emotion possible, including anger, disappointment, fear and frustration. “For better or worse” can be bitter sweet!

But I can tell you this, our experience is shaping up to be far sweeter. Glory! When you see those ‘mature” 50+ year couples, holding hands and laughing over coffee, you’re likely envisioning their romance was some grand storybook romance. But those inspiring couples have likely weathered the bitter marital storms, and they can now enjoy a marriage as sweet as sugar.

Nearly every marital couple will experience unpleasant periods in their marriage. If you stay married long enough, you will likely experience them too. Our Pastor Steven Furtick has taught us it’s all about having and gaining the proper perspective. Happiness is based on circumstances. And we rarely have complete control over these circumstances. Because of that, pursuing happiness simply means consistently investigating our environments to determine if they actually make us happy.  In most cases when we start doing so, we find all the reasons and/or excuses why our circumstances don’t quite measure up in truly making us “happy.”


Happiness is not a circumstance to wait for. Happiness is being satisfied with the person you are and becoming, where you are in life and where you are headed both personally and professionally.  It is NOT about anyone else and does not require anyone else’s approval, validation or permission. Happiness is one of the few things in life you have complete control over. Promoting happiness can be hard work but rewarding work that no one else can do for you, not even your husband.

According to the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, there has been a 5 percent drop in people who reported being very happy in their marriages.  So the question remains…why are we unhappy? There are a multitude of explanations, but I believe a major factor is society’s widespread belief in marital fairy tales, which pump us full of false beliefs about happiness.

  • Fairy-tale #1 – I NEED a man to be happy.
    What a crock of you know what! However, most of us believe this and take this to heart sadly enough.  We are pretty much made to believe that if someone takes interest and thinks we’re special and wants to be with us, then this needs to be taken to the next level.  NOT!  Don’t misunderstand me; a relationship with the RIGHT man is a desirable and pleasing experience worth the time and effort. On the other hand, if you are spending the majority of your time seeking out a man to fill an empty heart, you are asking for heartbreak and heartache that is sure to disappoint.
  • Fairy-tale #2 – Once I’m married, life will be perfect.
    Society tells us that two heads and hearts are better than one. So marriage is the key to all your problems, right?  Don’t believe the lie!  Shall I let you in on a little secret? Your husband (or future husband) is not a Fairy God-Father!  He is incapable of waving some magic wand removing all life’s problems for you.  Oh and by the way, a wedding is just that; it’s just an event.  Sooner or later you’ll arrive “home” (metaphorically speaking) from the honeymoon, and reality quickly sets in.

Want the truth?  You can’t handle the truth! (In my Jack Nicholson voice) Okay, I’m just kidding, LOL. However, the truth of the matter is there is no man—no matter how picture-perfect your prince charming may appear—who can make you happy all on his own. Happiness is individual based. How you see yourself, the kinds of people you allow into your inner circle, the way you see yourself both personally and professionally in the world – all of those things will influence your happiness in a way that no man ever could. GOOD NEWS!  You don’t have to wait for any man; you can start working toward being happier right now.

Want to find your happiness? You need to start here FIRST!

BMWK, did you believe marriage would be a fairy tale come true? Was it?


About the author

Da-Nay Macklin wrote 58 articles on this blog.

Coach Da-Nay Macklin is a Certified Christian Life & Relationship Coach, founder of the Courageous Conquerors Mastermind and Author of Love After Adultery: The Breakthrough Journey of the Brokenhearted Available on Amazon She is one of the nation’s leading experts on infidelity and a thought leader on maximizing potential as she assists couples and individuals to live life by design and not default. Da-Nay has been has been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network’s show Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal after successfully navigating adultery in her marriage, and named one of the 15 most powerful women on the south side of Chicago. She now resides in Charlotte, NC with her loving husband and daughter.


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