Single Men, You’ll Regret Waiting to Pursue a Relationship. Here Are 7 Ways to Prep for Love

BY: - 9 Jun '16 | Single

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I’m pro-relationships. As a relationship consultant for 16 years, I coach, teach and cheer for successful happy relationships every day.

Yet over the years, I’ve noticed something different about relationships (or rather the lack there of). For single men in 2016, picking a woman is not a top priority—not like it used to be in the late 1940’s thru the 1970’s.

I believe the increased divorce rate over the last 70 years and the subsequent dismantling of the traditional family structure have slowed men’s desire to pursue committed relationships. Single men are more focused on getting their careers and money straight over picking a woman.

Let me first address the issue of pursing careers and money over relationships. It’s not what I would recommend, based on what I learned about single-life and married-life. Waiting until you’re financially set or satisfied career-wise might cause more long-term problems than necessary.

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Before I got married, life was all about me…and gettin’ mine. When I found the woman I wanted to marry, my focus shifted outward. I became more others-centered. After I got married, I realized there’s a difference in shifting my focus vs. shifting my behavior. I had to add character-specific attributes and qualities I didn’t have when I was single. I essentially had to become another person…though not in a bad way…

…I ultimately became a better, more well-rounded person. And it wasn’t easy. But because I loved my wife, I was willing to do the hard rewarding work.

If you’re a single man focusing on your careers and your money I’d like to warn you of the following: The longer you take to shift your focus…and subsequently shift your behavior, the more stuff you have to adapt to in a relationship. And the harder it gets to shift is because you’re too attached. I’ve found that some men would rather give up their relationships than shift because it’s too much work…or it’s too hard.

But what they don’t know is…

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It’s through this process of shifting your focus and behavior (in order to become this more well-rounded person) that God reveals his purpose.

And if you think switching your old girl for a new one will make it easier, it won’t. The process of shifting is the same. You just have to shift different stuff. But now you’re older…with more stuff.

So that said, are you convinced and now ready to find a mate? From one married man of 18 years to a single brother, here are 7 super important non-traditional steps to help prepare you for your quest to find a relationship:

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1. Discover Your Emotional Intelligence
This is your ability to manage your own needs and emotions (self awareness), as well as the needs and emotions of others (others awareness).

  • Self-Awareness – Knowing who you are is important because you need to know what kind of woman best compliments you.
  • Others-Awareness – Think…bull in a china shop. Know the impact your actions and decisions have on the people around you. You don’t want to inadvertently damage and trample over her feelings and concerns (her china) just by being yourself (a bull).

2. Learn How to Care
Doing something nice for a woman doesn’t mean you care about her feelings and concerns. It just means you’re nice. Expand your niceties to the level of actually caring about another woman’s feelings.

3. Practice on Other Women
Practice what? Practice how to show respect; how to date; how to communicate/listen; how to cook; how to care for someone else’s feeling other than your own. You don’t have to date them. I practiced on my female co-workers and friends at church. (It just so happened that I married one of the women I was practicing on at work…but that’s beside the point.)

4. Ask For Feedback from Other Women
The next time you’re out with a group of co-ed friends, ask them, “If you were to hook me up with one of your friends, what would you say is one of my better qualities and what quality do I need to improve?” Have each person ask this question about themselves for the group answer. This will spark a lively discussion. Most importantly, it will give you great feedback about how women see you and what things you need to work on.

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5. Date Several Women at a Time
Yes I said it! This will let you know what type of woman you don’t want. Now…in full disclosure, don’t have sex or be in a committed relationship with any of them. Just date them, and be upfront about it.

6. Don’t Get Wrapped Up into Looks
Looks really don’t matter! Look…if Jay-Z can allegedly cheat on Beyonce, and if Hallie Berry and Janet Jackson can get divorced multiple times, then her looks will have nothing to do with the strength of your bond. Good looks can start a relationship, but they can NEVER sustain it. As hard as it may be, don’t focus on her body or how good she looks.

7. Focus on How She Makes You Feel
Identify those women who make you feel like…”I want to make her happy.’ Whoever they are, if you find yourself wanting to better yourself just to make her happy, that’s the type of women you need to start looking deeper into for spouse potential.

BMWK: What do you think? Is it more important to focus on your career and money than relationships? How did you prepare yourself for a relationship?

 

About the author

Heath Wiggins wrote 83 articles on this blog.

The Purveyor of Understanding - Heath Wiggins married Bernadette (Bernie) Wiggins in October 1997. Together they founded the Family Bootcamp, LLC., a relationship consulting business that helps people improve the communication and trust in relationships. In 2013, Heath launched the blog and book His Leadership Her Trust to combat the lack of trust women had in allowing men be leaders in their relationships. His mission is to teach Christian men how to lead in such a way that women trust, respect, and actually want to them.

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Dear God: About This “Delay” Thing…

BY: - 13 Jun '16 | Faith

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The thought of being delayed for a blessing seems to be frustrating, unnerving and a host of other feelings. We hear that “delayed but not denied” is a good thing, but that delay though? How long will it be, Lord? Why is there a delay in the first place?

I encourage you to think about the delay to what God has for you as a blessing and to be thankful. If you know that God said you will be married one day and that His word says that He will withhold no good thing from those who walk upright (Psalm 84:11), then why does the delay portion of the wait seem so bothersome?

Our flesh is being tamed and, in many cases, killed daily in the waiting or delay. Our flesh (or natural way of doing things) will make us think it’s all because of something we did—that we are holding up our progress because of past sin, doubt, etc. But what if the delay is not because of you? What if your future spouse isn’t ready yet? We don’t know what’s on the other side of our wait and delay; we don’t know the full story. The best news is that God does—all we have to control is our reaction to the delay.

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In the upcoming season, shift your perspective from anxiety or frustration to thankfulness. Don’t forget that God is our protection. He will keep you from things that are going to harm you and that don’t line up with your destiny. Our job as believers is to let God have His way in us and give thanks in advance for what’s to come despite the delay: if you’re getting older, if you’re the last in your group of friends to find someone special, if you’re doing the best as you can as a single parent in waiting.

The delay is good and something to be thankful for because who you are now is different from who you used to be. Me five years ago? Hmm, not ready to be married in the least bit, even though I wanted to be by age 25. Knowing what I know now, I’m glad I’m single, learning every day and have a promise for greater things in my life to come that I’ll be able to handle better because of natural and spiritual maturity.

Let God prepare you in this season.

Think about if you truly had your way back when you wanted your blessing; would you have been truly ready with your mindset, habits, issues back then? Would you have been able to handle the truth and responsibilities of marriage? Or were you just looking for an escape? I know that it’s not easy being single, but it’s not easy being in a relationship that you rushed into. It’s not easy being in a loveless/lonely marriage. It’s not easy being in out of God’s will. Delay often gives you time to think soberly about what you’re doing and where you’re going. Take the time necessary to develop that patience and patient love needed for such a lifetime commitment.

Wait on God and be inclined to follow His instructions with an obedient spirit to honor Him and He will make things clear for you. We have too much going on in society and the world to be wishy-washy in our relationship with Christ. He desires to use us to bring forth the very things that will impact lives for the better and with no delay. Your obedience will help someone in their own delay season!

My fellow singles, whatever the reason is for your delay, remember the promise and keep holding on to the Lord. He keeps us back for a number of reasons, but if you know that you will receive it and shift the frustration to thankfulness. The Lord is our Father, who sees all and His Word knows our thoughts and hearts.

“For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.” Habakkuk 2:3 NIV

BMWK, can you think of any other moments in life when a delay has worked toward your good?

 

About the author

Tatianah Green wrote 77 articles on this blog.

Tatianah Green is a multimedia content creator and editor with a passion for writing. In 2012 she launched the blog BLISSforSingles.com {Black Love & Inspiration for Saved Singles} to encourage singles in faith and love. She is also a contributing writer for several other websites including Culture and God, Single Matters, and The Wire Hanger By Winnie. She recently published her first book entitled Journey to 30: A Single Woman's Guide to Living Unapologetically Without Deadlines. As she embraces her thirties, Tatianah works, plays and lives unapologetically for Christ in Chicago. Connect with her on Twitter and Instagram at @tfortrendsetta

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