3 Hard Lessons Learned When You’re Involved with an All-Talk, No-Action Mate

BY: - 21 Oct '16 | Marriage

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Relationships are hard work. This is obviously why couples seek out relationship coaches like me. And if you were to ask which particular challenge happens more than any other among my clients, I’d say it’s when their partner’s actions don’t line up with their words.

When actions don’t align with words in a relationship that can be very problematic—and even toxic in some cases. Let me share some examples of why.

I was working with someone who was dating a man, who was dating multiple women.  One of the other women was the “main girl,” my client was one of the “side chicks.”  She was so caught up in the mystery of this guy that she continued to try to support him as he claimed he would leave these other women (all talk, right?). He would even come to her and vent to her about how the other women were treating him.

This is a toxic relationship, and it showed her struggle with self-esteem and her own self-worth.  After three years with this guy, he left her and stayed with the main girl. This is an example of his actions not lining up in any way with his words, and she continued to be abused because of this.

I know another couple who has been together for about 10 years.  I know the woman in the relationship wanted to get married, but she never forced the issue. The guy stayed around and hinted at marriage (all talk, right?), but he wouldn’t do anything to move them closer to the alter.

Over time, they had two children. The children are still small, but the guy has decided marriage doesn’t make sense, so he decided to move on.

Again, this is a case of actions not lining up with words.  How long does it take for you to decide enough is enough?  He never fully intended to marry this woman—if so, his actions would have produced a ring.  For him, the pros outweighed the cons in the status quo of the relationship, so he was along for the ride (pun intended), and it was never any more than that for him.

Lastly, I had another client who would say what she was going to do (all talk, right?), but then she wouldn’t do it.  Her significant other asked for space, and she wouldn’t give it to him.  She felt he was lucky to have her, and she intended to make it a point for him to recognize it.

Needless to say, she pushed him away.  If you say you are going to give someone space, make it happen.  If you have no intention of doing so, don’t say this is what you are going to do.  Line up your words with your actions.

The often-used cliché “don’t talk about it be about it” is more than a cliché when it comes to relationships.  It should be a way of life.  Your actions mean more to your commitment than anything you could ever say.  On the other side of the relationship, watch for the actions to line up with the words.

If they don’t line up and if the only thing about them that is consistent is that their words are consistently empty, it’s time to explore other options for the sake of your own well-being.

BMWK, have you ever been in a relationship with an all-talk no action person? Also, ask yourself an honest question: do you think you always back up your words with action?

About the author

Jay Hurt wrote 85 articles on this blog.

Jay Hurt is a Relationship Coach, columnist and author of the book, The 9 Tenets of a Successful Relationship (http://9tenetsonline.com/about-the-book ). Jay’s focus is working with people who want to design better relationships and get more out of life!


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The 4 Dopest Things About Marriage Couples Can Sometimes Forget

BY: - 24 Oct '16 | Home

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Seriously, marriage is dope. I’m channeling my teenage 90s hip-hop-era lingo, but sometimes that’s the word that just sums it up for me. I enjoy being married. Every day isn’t always roses and sunshine, but overall, marriage is fun.

There are life benefits that come with being married. For some couples who’ve been in it for a while, it’s easy to sometimes forget and take things for granted. But in my opinion, here are a few things that make marriage great.

The friendship in marriage is everything

Spending your life with someone you like and can laugh and love with is truly a blessing. Your spouse usually serves as more than just a lover. They are also a confidant and a supporter. My husband is the first person I want to share news with. I can share when I’m feeling petty, insecure or jealous, and he won’t judge me. I trust his opinion and I enjoy his company.

The intimacy in marriage is exciting

Couples who honor their commitment to one another and understand the importance of intimacy, enjoy this part of marriage. It’s exciting having one partner to get as freaky as you want with. Being vulnerable in the bedroom is what intimacy should look like.

Marriage allows you the opportunity to get creative in your bedroom. Having your way with your spouse and vice versa adds a level of energy and excitement.

The freedom to be and do you is refreshing

For the most part, married couples have an awareness and acceptance of one another’s flaws. We don’t usually have to play pretend in this relationship. I can totally be me with my husband, and he is understanding of my areas of weakness.

We know in our marriage that neither of us are perfect. A huge part of marriage is accepting who you married and not necessarily entering the union with the thought of changing the other person.

The opportunity to make your marriage anything you want it to be

In my opinion, the joys of marriage far exceed the challenges. Marriage can be exciting, fun and sexy. Or marriage can be draining, painful and boring. Couples, the choice is yours. You can feed it the things that make it stronger or feed into the attitudes that weaken it. I’m choosing to enjoy all the benefits that come with my marriage.

BMWK, what do you enjoy most about being married?

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 635 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit www.thelifeandlovecoach.com and www.theboldersister.com.


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