Should Making More Money Make You the Boss in Your Home?

BY: - 4 Oct '16 | Marriage

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My husband makes more money than I do. I don’t think it means anything special. It’s just a fact. I appreciate all he does for our family, and he knows it, but his income is simply a fact.

It’s been a fact since we got married. Will it always be a fact? Maybe not. If I keep hustling the way I am, probably not. There may be a moment when we sit down and I say, “Babe, looks like I make more than you do now.”

Will he be all up in his feelings when that moment arrives? Goodness no. I did not marry a fool. We are in this thing together. This house we live in is our house. This mortgage is ours. Raising these kids is our responsibly. That said, more money is a blessing—regardless of who’s earning it.

Now, how do I know he’ll react this way? Because we’ve had this conversation several times, and this man I have known for more than 20 years has never given me reason to believe that he would go back on his word. Not ever.

But what if things aren’t working out this way in your home? What if the person making more money seems to act like they run the show because of how much they make? What if your spouse’s behavior tells you that they feel superior because they bring in most of the money. What do you do?

I’ve heard scenarios when husbands feel compelled to comply to their wife’s every household chore or demand because she is the household’s breadwinner. I’ve also heard other scenarios when wives allow their husbands to spend frivolously on expensive toys and hobbies because the he makes the majority of the income. And tragically, I’ve even heard a scenario when a spouse routinely defers all decisions—from what to eat to dinner to whose family to spend the holidays with—to the spouse who makes the most money.

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I don’t believe that what someone earns instantly makes that person the boss in the home. That’s crazy. I think the income your earn is just a reflection of the type of work you do and how hard you work. It doesn’t make you the better spouse or the better parent. It doesn’t mean you can make all the calls without consulting with your mate. It doesn’t mean that you are better than anyone else.

Money comes and goes. Anyone can get laid off from that high paying job tomorrow. That successful business bringing in six figures can hit hard times. Now if those things happen, does that make someone matter less? Does it diminish the role they play in the home?

It shouldn’t. Your worth or the value of your opinions should never be based on how much you make. It should be based on who you are. Are you generous? Are your helpful? Are you a hard worker? Do you strive to meet your family’s needs? Do you get back up when you fall down? Do you do the right things even when no one is watching?

All couples should try to have discussions about income and expectations before they get married. If you didn’t, that’s okay. It’s never too late to have the conversation. If your partner seems to think that income automatically grants someone all the decision-making power in the home, you have to make a compelling argument for why that isn’t true.

Discuss possible scenarios like job loss, a crumbing economy or a failed business. Get his or her perspective on how those scenarios would change things, and then explain your own stance. Also, discuss what you expect from each other if money was a non-issue and whether or not those needs are being met.

If two people have very different views on this issue, landing on the same page isn’t easy. But I firmly believe that the value you place on your spouse can’t just be about what he or she makes. I also don’t think what anyone makes indicates whether or not they are better, smarter or more important than someone else. There are all kinds of fools out there making good money.

I’m looking forward to the day I make more money than my husband. I know he’s looking forward to it, too. It means we’ve grown as individuals and that new opportunities exist for our continued growth. It also means that I worked pretty damn hard to earn that money, and I won’t disrespect the support and love my husband offered during that process by acting like some extra cash instantly makes me the boss up in here. We built this life together, and we plan to keep doing things that way.

BMWK family, do you think making more money should make someone the boss at home?

About the author

Martine Foreman wrote 490 articles on this blog.

Martine Foreman is a speaker, writer, lifestyle consultant, and ACE-certified Health Coach who specializes in helping moms who want more out of life but feel overwhelmed and confused. Through her content and services, Martine is committed to helping women embrace their personal truth, gain clarity, and take action to create healthier, happier lives. For more on Martine's candid views on life and love, visit her at candidbelle.com. To work with her, visit her at martineforeman.com. Martine resides in Maryland with her husband, two kids and sassy cat Pepper.

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How the Grief from My Mother’s Death Brought Me Closer to My Wife

BY: - 4 Oct '16 | Marriage

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Back in 2011, I lost the most important person in my life. My mother passed away from multiple sclerosis, but it was a long process before she actually succumbed.

While I went through a range of emotions and challenges during the process, my wife was right by my side. I went from feeling sad, to angry, to betrayed, to happy, to not knowing what or how to feel. Being my mom’s only son, I felt the need to remain strong and show no emotion (because that’s what I thought it meant to be a man). But one night, I reached my breaking point; and it brought me closer to my wife than ever. That breaking point included frustration and tears, but it also included a breakthrough in my relationship.

Vulnerability

Before that night, I wasn’t always the best at expressing my feelings because of fear of being judged for having them. It was always easier to be guarded but in that moment I felt safe with my wife. I didn’t have to worry about judgment or backlash or looking weak…in that moment I was strong because I was able to overcome the emotional barrier I had previously put up.

Communication

In that moment, I was able to speak about my feelings. I was able to be hurt and mad and sad and everything else. And my wife just listened. She didn’t discount my feelings; she didn’t try to tell me how to feel about it or what to do about it;  she just did one of the most important things in communication, and that’s….LISTEN.

I learned an important lesson from that moment, and now I try (I’m not always successful) to do more listening and less fixing and talking.

Trust

For a man, one of the hardest things to do is trust someone else with our feelings. Growing up for many of us, feelings were considered a bad thing or a sign of weakness, so being able to trust my wife meant a lot to me. I was able to release my true feelings without judgment or backlash. And that built a higher level of trust for that behavior to be repeated later on in our marriage.

Sacrifice

Throughout the entire process of my mother’s declining health, my wife consistently sacrificed. She sacrificed her time, energy, effort and resources to make sure that my mom was taken care of, and that meant so much to me.

She stayed many long nights at her house with me, brought food and even helped take on shifts of taking care of my mom when she couldn’t take care of herself. She sacrificed over and over again, and without her, I don’t know how I would have made it through. She taught me a lesson in selflessness, and it made us closer.

Life has a way of testing our relationships. There are so many situations that we go through that can either bring us closer or tear us apart. I am glad that my relationship was tested, and it showed me the true character of my queen. It helped me with trust, communication, vulnerability and sacrifice, and we are better now because of it. That time of grief and loss will always hurt, but out of it came something that I’ll forever love and appreciate my wife for.

BMWK Fam, what is something that you and your spouse have been through together that either helped or hurt your relationship?

About the author

Troy Spry wrote 223 articles on this blog.

Troy Spry a Certified Life, Dating, and Relationship Coach and the one and only "Reality Expert", resides in Charlotte, NC. He created his blog, Xklusive Thoughts, with the intent of putting out a very realistic perspective and using it as a vehicle for inspiration! He hopes to challenge people to think differently and inspire people to do and be better in relationships and in life!

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