Girl, You’re the Emotionally Unavailable One! 3 Signs That It’s YOU not Him

BY: - 31 Oct '16 | Single

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There are big myths about women and men that can get in the way of a real connection.

For example, women tend to expect men to initiate a first phone call within 24 hours, and if they don’t, the sisters assume the men are just not interested.

Men, on the other hand, may wait a few days before calling because they don’t want to look like they’re a stalker or too thirsty for a woman’s attention.

These assumptions ruin relationships before they even get started!

Another myth is that women are automatically relationship-ready just because they desire marriage and commitment and that men who don’t want to settle down are emotionally unavailable.

But in my one-on-one work with women who continually fail at relationships, I’ve discovered there are three big signs that reveal if women are emotionally unavailable too!

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You Are Picky

When you dismiss good men for silly reasons, you’re emotionally unavailable. Your heart isn’t open to love because you have rigid rules about what it should look like. When you’re picky, you tend to project your own fears about being unloveable onto another person by finding all the reasons why they aren’t perfect.

Let me list a few of the deal breakers some women have shared with me about why a man wasn’t a good match for them.

  • He didn’t make me laugh on the first phone call
  • His southern drawl makes him sound uneducated, and I’d be embarrassed if my friends and co-workers met him (even though he had a college degree)
  • He wasn’t goofy enough for me
  • He doesn’t wear the proper shoes
  • He wanted to take me to get ice cream for a first date instead of taking me to dinner
  • He had typos on his website
  • He has a job but can’t pay for my vacation
  • He’s 5’11” and will be my height if I wear heels
  • He had children in a previous marriage. I’m too old to have kids so seeing him with them will make me resentful.

At the core of this search for a perfect man is a belief that the only way you can avoid getting hurt again is to meet someone who fulfills every item on your impossible to fill checklist.

Focusing on the kinds of flaws that prove whether or not a man will be a good partner for you makes you come across as picky instead of selective. Pickiness is an energy, and it speaks for you before you even say a word. The feedback men have shared with me when they describe a picky woman include “self-righteous,” “judgmental,” “a turn-off,” “difficult” and “too much drama.”

You Overvalue Your “Me Time”

Everyone needs to have his or her personal space, even when you’re in a relationship. But if you feel smothered, afraid or uncomfortable by emotional and physical closeness, you could be afraid of real intimacy.

You feel safer when you’re alone than when you’re apart, and begin to fear that if someone sees the real you, he won’t love you. “Me-time” becomes a way for you to shut down your heart. If you’re emotionally available, you wouldn’t want to spend more time away from your partner than you do together.

3. You’re Bored in Stable Relationships

You’re attracted to people who come on strong in the beginning of relationships, and you enjoy the feeling of intense chemistry.

Three to six months later, when the high of falling in love wears off, you spend a lot of your time and energy trying to regain the connection you once felt with your partner. This feels like passion to you, but in reality, you’re trapped in a dysfunctional way of relating to each other. On the other hand, when you meet someone who takes the relationship slow and steady, you feel bored and complain that there isn’t any “chemistry.”

Your pursuit of so-called passion could be a sign that you don’t know how to sustain a real relationship.

Closing your heart to love won’t keep you safe. In fact, falling in love requires that you open yourself up to feeling closeness, acceptance and partnership. But to do so, you also have to be emotionally brave and risk opening up yourself to hurt, rejection and loss. The key to mastering your fear of real love is to embrace the belief that no matter what happens, you will always be okay.

BMWK: How willing are you to face your fears and become open to love? 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 149 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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Stop Single Shaming! 5 Ways the Holidays Can Be Great for Single People!

BY: - 1 Nov '16 | Single

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Stop it already!! Folk in relationships and marriages have to stop acting as if single people are sitting around miserable because they aren’t.

A good example of this is around the holidays when lots of single people dread being around friends and (especially) family, who always find a way to bring up the awkward conversation about why they aren’t married or why they aren’t bringing someone home.

The truth of the matter is that being single has many perks, ESPECIALLY around the holidays! So when your family and friends start to go in on their single shaming trips, clap back with these responses of why you’re loving your singledom this holiday. Here are a few advantages of being solo during the holiday season!

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1. You don’t have to argue over whose house to go to

Once you’re married or in a serious relationship, deciding which “in-laws” house to go to for the holidays becomes a headache in itself. Oh and once you have a kid, it goes to another level because most in-laws want to see their grandbaby for the holidays.

Also if the family is out of town, now you have a road trip to take. And road tripping with an entire family in tow can be a fiasco that can get to be pretty expensive. When you’re single, so can just cop an airline ticket for 1 and call it a day. Plus, you’re not nearly as obligated to make your family rounds as you are when you have children and a spouse.

2. You don’t have to worry about a mate embarrassing you at the company holiday party

We all know that company holiday parties run rampant, and usually you are expected to bring your spouse or significant other along. Well, many times bringing that plus 1 with you can cause chaos at those parties!

A little too much alcohol or one wrong statement could put your career on the line or cause all kind of judgment. The good news is that when you’re single, all you have to worry about is behaving yourself!

3. You don’t have to worry about others asking when you’re having another baby

If you’ve already had one baby, you’d better believe everyone will be asking you when baby No. 2 is coming. For some reason, family and friends forget that having more babies is: not such an easy thing, expensive, a personal decision and thus: none of their business!

It’s just something about turkey and dressing and opening presents that make people want to dig EXTRA deep into your personal affairs.  I understand that single people have children, but that added push for more kids from others typically comes when there is a spouse in the picture also.

4. You can be free as a bird

One of the best experiences you can have when you have that time off from work is being able to travel over the holidays! You can plan trips overseas, out of town, quick day trips and so on—all without having to really consider a mate or spouse. Embrace those moments, and do you!

5. You probably don’t have to host

Hosting Thanksgiving or Christmas usually does not fall on the single person! You’re welcome! You don’t have to clean up your house, figure out who is sleeping where, plan out the menu, clean up NOR make the decision of when it’s time to tell everyone to “get the steppin.”

Okay, folks don’t take this blog the wrong way because I don’t want people to think that being in a relationship or married around the holidays is all bad. What I do want though is for the single fam out there to understand that while in that single season, embrace the positives that can come along with it and not just the negatives.

Oh, and for you folks who are in relationships know that single folks don’t have to “survive” the holidays because they can still LIVE and THRIVE during that time.

Single, do you feel single shamed during the holidays? Tell us your single shaming stories.

About the author

Troy Spry wrote 225 articles on this blog.

Troy Spry a Certified Life, Dating, and Relationship Coach and the one and only "Reality Expert", resides in Charlotte, NC. He created his blog, Xklusive Thoughts, with the intent of putting out a very realistic perspective and using it as a vehicle for inspiration! He hopes to challenge people to think differently and inspire people to do and be better in relationships and in life!

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