5 Things to Consider if You Keep Going Back to Him

BY: - 1 Dec '16 | Marriage

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My friend called me just to chat. Our chat soon turned into a conversation we’ve had far too many times: Should she stay with her man despite their most recent fight?

I love her, but these conversations are frustrating and exhausting. And I mean for me. I can only imagine how she must feel.

Listen, I understand the complexities of it all. She loves him. They have history. She thought he was the one. The list goes on and on. But I also see what this relationship is doing to her. I see how she’s changed in recent months. I notice the difference in how much she expects from him. I see her leaning right up against that crappy placed called settling.

It makes me sick. It makes me sad. It makes me want to shake her just a little until she realizes that she deserves better. She always has. But I realize that my advice and my opinions don’t go very far with her. I realize that love is, indeed, blind. I realize that shaking a little or a lot won’t force her to see what I see.

So I listen. I accept the frustration and exhaustion that comes with listening. I console her when she cries. I drop a few curse words about how trifling he is when I know she needs to hear that. I give her a shoulder to lean on because life has taught me that sometimes that’s all you can give a friend. Nothing more.

But my experiences with her make me think about all the beautiful, smart sisters out there who are settling. I get angry about all the women who tolerate crap that they shouldn’t because they want to stay with him.

If you find yourself in a less than desirable situation with your man and you are constantly wondering if you should stay, please consider these five things before you let him back into your life.

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Have you taken the time to love yourself?

I think the biggest reason most women put up with crap in relationships is because they lack self-worth. We have to take the time to fall in love with ourselves. If we don’t do that, we tend to settle for anything that’s thrown our way.

Do you love who you are? Do you recognize your worth? Do you realize you deserve the best in life? If you answered “no” to any of these questions, maybe you need to spend some time loving YOU instead of being with a man who doesn’t deserve what you have to offer.

Do you have unresolved issues with your father?

My dad wasn’t around much when I was a child. And when he was, he wasn’t fully present. I didn’t learn a single thing from him about how a man should treat a woman because he didn’t treat my mom well at all. That said, I made it my business to work through my issues with him at an early age, so it would not impact my ability to find a good man.

You may not even realize it, but if you are in an unhealthy relationship, ask yourself if you have issues with your own father. If you do, it is time to work through them. If you don’t take the time to do that, it may continue to impact who you enter relationships with and your ability to find happiness.

Are you scared to start over?

Starting over is scary for all of us. So scary that we often choose to stay where we are even if we aren’t happy, because the prospect of starting anew is too much to wrap our brains around. But starting over is not as scary as a lifetime of stress and misery because you were too scared to walk away. You can find love again. There is no reason to stay involved with someone that simply isn’t giving you what you want and need.

How will your life look in 10 years if you choose to stay?

Staying with him right now may feel like the easiest thing to do, but in the long run, it can be so damaging. Take the time to think about the instability in your current relationship and ask yourself how you’ll feel if you are still dealing with the same mess in 10 years. Is that what you really want for your life? If not, you have to question your decision to go back to him.

Do you believe you will be okay by yourself?

Loneliness is real, but as women we have to realize that being alone and feeling lonely are two different things. When we are alone, it gives us time to grow and reflect. We understand more about who we are and what we want out of life. When we are afraid to be alone and use that as a reason to stay involve—even if the relationship is unhealthy—it damages your spirit and leaves you feeling depleted and disappointed.

BMWK ladies, are you staying with him when you know that you shouldn’t?

About the author

Martine Foreman wrote 494 articles on this blog.

Martine Foreman is a speaker, writer, lifestyle consultant, and ACE-certified Health Coach who specializes in helping moms who want more out of life but feel overwhelmed and confused. Through her content and services, Martine is committed to helping women embrace their personal truth, gain clarity, and take action to create healthier, happier lives. For more on Martine's candid views on life and love, visit her at candidbelle.com. To work with her, visit her at martineforeman.com. Martine resides in Maryland with her husband, two kids and sassy cat Pepper.

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Sex Life and Spiritual Life Suffering? 5 Ways to Find Balance in Marriage

BY: - 2 Dec '16 | Marriage

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By Dr. Shola Ezeokoli

If you are familiar with the concept of balanced living, then you will realize that anyone who is living a fulfilled life is to some degree living a balanced life. This means taking care of what I call the five pillars of balance: physical health, mental soundness, emotional wellness, spiritual wholeness and relational balance.

Can these concepts be applied to marriage? It is my humble postulation that they can.

Pillar 1. Spiritual

Too often, folks get married in church, and then put God in box, only to remember hastily, during a fight, a few scriptures taken out of context: “The Bible says you have to submit to me!” or “If you loved me like the Bible says, I would submit to you!” * Insert eye roll here *.

People have reduced spirituality in a marriage to: going to church with the spouse, loving your wife and submitting to your husband. There is more to engaging with God in your marriage than the above. It involves praying for and with your spouse, being humble enough to listen to each other, and, above all walking in love toward your spouse.

Walking in love is actions, not feelings. If you look in the Bible in 1 Corinthians, chapter 13 , verses 4 to 8, you will find these different qualities of love ( “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast..). Interesting to note, there is no mention of feelings here.

Prayer should be primarily for each of you to get closer to God and each other. Prayer for the needs of your marriage and each other is also necessary. If you stay humble and listen, you and your spouse will be able to find your way through some of the hardest situations.

Pillar 2. Mental

This involves your thinking and beliefs about your marriage, which can change with the changing seasons of life and with your changing moods.

If you want to have a great marriage, you have to think great things about your marriage. If you think that “all men are dogs” or “ all women are gold diggers,” that type of thinking will not serve you well in your marriage. Think of what you want your marriage to be, and meditate on it constantly.

Renew your mind and thoughts concerning you marriage. Focus more on the positive aspects of your marriage, and they will become more obvious. Focus on the imperfections, and they will become more obvious, too. The choice is yours.

Pillar 3. Emotional

This pillar centers around finding what your spouse finds romantic and making it part of your own “marriage culture.” I recommend the book: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Romance is supposed to make your marriage exciting, feel idealistic and feel like a love story. Do not discard romance and romance-inducing adventures after you get married. These are the things that your fondest memories are made of. Go out on dates. Dress up, and go to the opera. Buy her flowers. Cook his favorite meal. Get a stripper pole and dance to each other’s favorite songs. Dress up in costume and role-play. Send sweet romantic texts and emails. Sing to each other. Watch a sunset together. Advance the romance.

Pillar 4. Relational

One of the best things that you can do for your marriage is to sustain your friendship and make that front and center of everything you do. There are some things you would not say to your best buddy—no matter how angry you are. There is a kinship that friendship affords your marriage, which adds another layer of closeness.

Learn to see your spouse through the eyes of friendship. Intimacy and closeness is not all about sex. Good sex in marriage flows from the intimacy that a really close friendship brings. Play together. Talk. Talk. Talk. Then talk some more. Talk about everything. Chat. Share your dreams, goals and ideas. Learn a hobby, sport, game or dance together. Discover new places together. Take time to be alone together. Laugh at life together. Take on projects together. Be each other’s best friend. Be loyal to each other.

Pillar 5. Physical

Sex is like the cement of a house. You do not see it, but it’s hold the building together. So do it often, do it well.

Sex is not so much about proving your “prowess” to your partner as it is about attending to his/her sexual needs. It is less about “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” and more about a slow dance that leads to fulfillment and satisfaction for both partners.

Learn your partner’s likes and dislikes. Vary positions depending on preferences. Read about sex and learn about techniques. But avoid pornography. I firmly believe it does not improve your sex life. It just introduces “another partner” (in your head) into your bedroom, and that gives a false ideal that your or your partner will not be able to live up to. This can lead to constantly being dis-satisfied with your partner, chasing the next high and possible extra marital affairs.

Concentrate on building up and loving your partner OUTSIDE of the bedroom, and there will be a natural flow into sexual intimacy. Do not just remember to show affection to your partner when you are ready to have sex. It makes you look inauthentic, and may be off putting to your partner. Have sexual intercourse on a regular basis and be sure to see a doctor if there issues with erectile dysfunction, loss of libido, lack of orgasms, vaginal dryness or premature ejaculation.

Welcome To The Balanced Marriage!


Shola Ezeokoli is medical doctor, a life coach, author and a public speaker. She works with purposeful women, helping them get liberated from survival mode and truly live the life that they want them to live. Her books include His Delight, Shoetry, You Are The Best You (which has a companion Workbook) and her most recent, which is co-written with her husband  Staying Married: 7 Key Strategies You Cannot Do Without. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

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BMWK Staff wrote 1227 articles on this blog.

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