Sex Doesn’t Fix Everything, But Here’s What It Will Do for Your Marriage

BY: - 30 Dec '16 | Marriage

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You’ll find one common theme in almost every marriage resource offered; intimacy is important in a marriage. I’ve even shared it pretty frequently in many of my posts. And it’s true, marriages need it. However, what I’ve learned in my relationship coaching is that it isn’t the solution for every marriage challenge that surfaces.

What Sex Doesn’t Do

When couples use sex to make up with one another after disagreements, they often find that it did not erase the disappointment or frustration that they were feeling.  It just gave them a temporary reprieve. Sex also doesn’t replace a sincere apology for wrongdoings. And although it feels good, your challenges are still there when you’re done. Couples eventually realize that when they use sex to handle disagreements, it isn’t as good for their marriage as they thought.

Here’s What Sex Can Do

But there is good news! Sex may not fix everything in your relationship, but here are a few things it can do:

Creates a greater connection with your spouse.

Intimacy is more than just sex. All the things that lead to the bedroom are equally important. Things like having a physical attraction and desire for your spouse are also needed in a marriage. Touching, holding hands, and sharing kisses are those physical connections that remind you that you actually like one another.

Causes you to make time for each other.

You can’t be physically intimate when you’re apart. Whether it is planned or spontaneous, you are in the same space at the same time enjoying one another. When couples get busy with careers and raising children, intimacy easily shows up last on the list of priorities. When you’re intimate, you’ve shut everything else out and simply have one another.

Allows you to forget the cares of the world, even if just momentarily.

A lot of the problems we face in our marriages, sometimes, come from the stress we allow in our lives from external forces.  If we aren’t careful, our work, family and personal pursuits of happiness can take over and keep us disconnected from our spouse. Intimacy, when done right, helps you to remain focused solely on your partner.

Provides a place of inhibition, vulnerability and creativity.

Intimacy with the person you love and trust most can be so freeing. You can be who you want and do what you want in those intimate moments with your spouse. You can be as creative, kinky and fun as you desire in that bedroom.

Couples, sex is great for your marriage. It can be healing, therapeutic and even a calorie burner. No, it won’t solve all of your marriage problems, but it will offer benefits that lead you both to a good, safe and happy place within your marriage. Be sure to be proactive in seeking realistic and focused solutions for your challenges. And use intimacy only for the pleasure it was created for in your marriage.

BMWK, what are other benefits of intimacy in a marriage?

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 635 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit and


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5 Ways Couples Can Grow Closer Together and Not Apart During Unemployment

BY: - 2 Jan '17 | Marriage

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Today, I was informed that my long term substitute teacher contract was ending in a few days. I have been a sub for the past 4 years.  I worked in a new classroom or school every year for an entire school year. And, this will be the first time I will not be completing an entire year.

“When one door closes another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” ~Alexander Graham Bell

I’m not saddened by this news though. For months, I felt like I was rushing through everything in the evenings and losing lots of sleep. I also had no time to work out, like I need to, in order to remain diabetes-free. I actually said a prayer this weekend and told God I needed a break so I could give my business the care and attention it needed.

Revelations 3:8 “I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name.”

Now that my prayers have been answered, I’ve got work to do. I’m going to be intentional and walk through this door that God has opened for me. I also want to make sure my husband and I remain close during my unemployment, because the stress that can arise during this time is enough to tear a couple apart.

If you  and your spouse are dealing with the same thing, here are a few things to focus on that will help you grow closer together as a couple during your time of unemployment.


1 – Focus On Faith…Together

Get your daily devotion time back on track. If you are like me, having a relationship with God is paramount to your daily dealings. Check out First5, an app from Proverbs31 Ministries that provides daily devotions. It takes 5 minutes to get through the devotion. Pray for your husband and yourself to be on one accord in all aspects, especially financially.

2 – Focus On Intimacy…Together

Have sex and plenty of it! Honestly, this is truly the best stress reliever. Use it as a time to reconnect. Snuggle and talk afterwards. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Share your fears and concerns. Allow your spouse to do the same with no judgements.

3 – Focus On Health…Together

Hubby and I meet at the gym and flirt with each other. Get that exercise in, even in the cold months. Go for walks together.  Bundle up, put your gloves on and head outside. We have the best conversations when we go for a walk and we often put in 3 to 4 miles easily.

Read The Do’s and Don’ts When Dealing with Unemployment in a Relationship

4 – Focus On Goals…Together

Go over your money while listening to old school music. This keeps the mood light, while you are bopping your head and crunching numbers. This is the time to come clean about credit cards and mystery money that has been spent that they don’t know about. I had to do this and it made it easier to plan our next steps. We love Jodeci, so anytime we have a serious conversation, we queue up K-Ci and JoJo – oooh Yeah.

5 – Focus On Ways To Save…Together

Plan meals and grocery shop together. We decided we will prepare our lunches together, weekly. This is will help hubby save money instead of buying from the cafeteria during the work day. No longer will we run out during the week to pick up this or that for dinner. This adds up quickly.

My contract ending was the best thing that could have happened to me at this particular time in my life. I’m very excited about this lapse in employment because I know God can and will open doors for my business. 2017 is going to be a great year for my marriage.  

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. ~1st Peter 5:7 

BMWK –  Unemployment can be very stressful on a marriage, how can couples support each during times of unemployment?

About the author

Tanya Barnett wrote 15 articles on this blog.

Tanya Barnett is a relationship strategist, speaker and the “Real” Wife Coach. She is the author of Being a Wife Just Got Real: Things I Wish I Knew, Before I Said, I Do”. She founded the Real Wife Movement™, where she equips single and married women with tools to create strong marriages and families. She is also the founder of Forever Free Books, a mobile literacy nonprofit, which delivers free books and story time to low income children in their neighborhoods and communities. She is a marathoner, triathlete and a serious book lover. She and her husband, Don, have 3 awesome kids.


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