Married Couples: If You Smile in Public and Cry Behind Closed Doors, Read This

BY: - 28 Dec '16 | Marriage

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There are too many married faces, smiling in public and crying behind closed doors. This may be you or a couple you know. For sure, it was me and my husband early-on in our marriage. We had just as many bad days as we did good days.

Can you relate to any of these scenarios?

You’re leaving for work sad because of what is going on in your marriage…..but, you’re happy you are getting out of that house and away from your spouse for a few hours.

You’re fighting all the way to church, then smiling as soon as the car rolls onto the church parking lot.

You’re at a restaurant and you smile every time the waiter comes to serve your table and begin arguing as soon as he walks away.

These scenarios describe the smile in public and cry behind closed doors syndrome. And if you can relate to any of those scenarios, then you may be experiencing this syndrome in your marriage.

The Smile in Public and Cry Behind Closed Doors Syndrome

Many of us grew up in an era where you were taught whatever goes on in your house stays in your house. No matter what happens, you put on a smile and suck it up when you walk outside that door. In other words, you may cry behind closed doors, but when you exit that door you put on a smile because it’s nobody’s business what’s going on inside your home.

No matter what happens, you put on a smile and suck it up when you walk outside that door.

Well, I agree with that to an extent.  It’s true, everybody and their brother doesn’t need to know your business. However, if you run around with a smile as if everything is okay when your heart is really breaking, nothing gets solved.  And, nothing changes if you don’t get help.

Depending on the severity, this type of thinking could put your marriage in danger.  While everyone doesn’t need to know your business, help from the proper sources is definitely needed. The key is to find the help that begins the healing process.

The Importance of the ‘Right’ Support System

Total isolation, even in a marriage, is unhealthy. While a marriage is between a husband and wife, a healthy supportive community is beneficial. The goal is to be healthy physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially as individuals and as a team. And having the right support system in place can help get you there.


Here are 11 examples of people who can be a healthy part of your relationship.  

  1. Other healthy couples
  2. Supportive extended family
  3. Church marriage ministry
  4. Marriage counselor or coach
  5. Marriage books and literature
  6. Marriage teachings in person or video recording
  7. Marriage seminars and workshops
  8. Anger management sessions
  9. Personal counseling
  10. Personal development coach
  11. A confidant that is willing to uplift your marriage

I get it. It’s hard to trust, forgive, or even think about growing closer to your spouse when your heart is broken. Am I right? When your heart is wounded, your energies are focused on protecting yourself from pain. However, hearts can be healed and mended.

I’m not telling you anything that I haven’t experienced. Around year 5, my husband and I lived the smilie in public and  cry behind closed doors syndrome.  But we looked for and found support…we strengthened our marriage and we have been growing stronger ever since.  And we hope the same for you.

BMWK – Who do you have in your support system?

About the author

Deborah L. Mills wrote 186 articles on this blog.

Coach, AUTHOR, Speaker, WIFE, Mom, and GRANDMOTHER. That's the gist of who I am. I love people and love to see their life and relationships thrive. As a coach I am ready to support your dream when you don't feel like it. As an author and speaker I am ready to pour into your life so that you can live your best life now. I am a personal and executive coach. Together with my husband I also marriage coach. GO TO MY WEBSITE. THERE IS A FREE GIFT THERE WAITING FOR YOU.


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17 Reasons I’m Grateful for My Wife

BY: - 29 Dec '16 | Marriage

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Recently, after some big life transitions, my wife and I have been having trouble communicating. Maybe that’s an understatement – we spend the majority of the month giving each other side-eyes through the routine conversations we need to get through the day… followed up by nights of making it blatantly obviously we’re avoiding skin contact while we sleep.

My mother moved in with us recently. She was also diagnosed with cancer. My wife is pregnant with our second child.

She’s been wanting to talk, and I’ve avoided it like the plague. I know, unique story, right? But the thing is I wanted to talk too, but i didn’t know how to have a meaningful conversation with her without the conversation diving in the “the pit of misunderstanding.” It’s the current pit dividing my wife and I and is only getting larger with each night of non-conversation.

But I wanted to speak with her – to her. I had to find a way – a common ground that wasn’t going to end in the cliché of abrupt silence and unspoken departure into the nearest room.

One evening, I pulled out pen and paper. I started writing down all the things I was grateful for in my wife. Whatever came to mind, I wrote. I figured there can never be too much good. Even though I could have written way more, I simply stopped when the page was full. And later than night, I sat my wife down and told her I had something I needed her to hear me say.

All the things I’m grateful to you for: 

  • you feed our son healthy food
  • you care about my health
  • you help my mother when she asks for help
  • you give my mother her own space to be herself
  • you don’t wear a lot of makeup
  • you wear your hair the way it grows
  • you exercise and watch what you eat – it shows you value yourself enough to discipline yourself
  • you don’t judge my self-expression
  • you pay the bills every month
  • you try to be a better mother every year
  • you read books (let’s be honest – how many of us still aren’t reading books these days)
  • you’re interested in self-development
  • you’re not ashamed of professional counseling
  • you’re a foodie (food is LIFE)
  • you know how to rely on yourself
  • you put up with me
  • you can appreciate the creative genius of Childish Gambino

Her first words after I finished reading off my list were, “Thank You.”

Later that evening, she also said, “This may be the first time in our entire marriage that I’ve felt acknowledged for how I feel.” We pulled up Childish Gambino’s recent performance of Redbone on Jimmy Fallon’s “The Tonight Show” and laughed as we speculated on what kind of shoes Donald Glover must be wearing with his sparkling trousers. We smiled together for the first time in a long time.

We eventually got into an argument about why we felt so distant from one another, and still went to bed frustrated with one another – looking at each other from the opposite edges of our great pit. We held each other as we fell asleep that night. Grateful to simply be speaking again.

About the author

Isom Kuade wrote 70 articles on this blog.

Isom Kuade is a father and a husband, resting his head in the middle of Texas. He's doing his best to adult with purpose and sneak in some good meals along the way. He and his wife tell stories of their triumphs, failures, and biased opinions at


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