The 5 Pillars of a Balanced Marriage

BY: - 21 Dec '16 | Marriage

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by Dr ‘Shola Ezeokoli,

If you are familiar with the concept of balanced living, then you will realize that anyone who is living a fulfilled life is, to some degree, living a balanced life.   And they are taking care of the five pillars of balance, namely: physical health, mental soundness, emotional wellness, spiritual wholeness, and relational balance.

Can these concepts be applied to marriage? It is my humble postulation that they can.

Pillar 1 –  Spiritual

Too often, folks get married in church, and then put God in a box, only to remember hastily during a fight a few scriptures taken out of context:

The Bible says you have to submit to me!”

“If you loved me like the Bible says, I would submit to you!”

* Insert eye roll here *.

People have reduced spirituality in a marriage to: going to church with the spouse, love your wife and submit to your husband. There is more to engaging with God in your marriage than the above. It involves praying for and with your spouse, being humble enough to listen to each other, and, above all, walking in love towards your spouse. If you keep God engaged in your marriage and stay humble and listen, you and your spouse will be able to find your way through some of the toughest challenges that you will face together.

Pillar 2 –  Mental

This pillar involves your thinking and beliefs about your marriage, which can change with the changing seasons of life and with your changing moods. If you want to have a great marriage, you have to think great things about your marriage. Think of what you want your marriage to be, and meditate on it constantly. Renew your mind and thoughts concerning you marriage. Focus more on the positive aspects of your marriage and they will become more obvious. Focus on the imperfections and they will become more obvious, too. The choice is yours.

Learn to see your spouse through the eyes of friendship.

Pillar 3 – Emotional

This pillar centers around keeping the emotional connection alive in your marriage through romance. Discover what your spouse finds romantic and then make it part of your own “marriage culture”.  Do not discard romance and romance inducing adventures because these are the things that your fondest memories will be made of.

So go out on dates. Dress up and go to the opera. Buy her flowers. Cook his favorite meal. Get a stripper pole and dance to each other’s favorite songs. Dress up in costume and role-play. Send sweet romantic texts and emails. Sing to each other. Watch a sunset together.  And by all means, continue to advance the romance in your marriage.

Pillar 4 –  Relational

One of the best things that you can do for your marriage is to sustain your friendship and make that the front and center of everything that you do. There are some things that you would not say to your best buddy, no matter how angry you are. There is a kinship that friendship affords your marriage that adds another layer of closeness. Learn to see your spouse through the eyes of friendship.

Intimacy and closeness is not all about sex. Good sex in marriage flows from the intimacy that a really close friendship brings. Play together. Talk. Talk. Talk. Then talk some more. Talk about everything. Chat. Share your dreams, goals, and ideas. Learn a hobby, sport, game or dance together. Discover new places together. Take time to be alone together. Laugh at life together. Take on projects together. Be each other’s best friend. And be loyal to each other.

Pillar 5 –  Physical

Sex is like the cement of a house. You do not see it, but it’s holding the building together. Do it often, and do it well. Sex is not so much about proving your “prowess” to your partner, as it is about attending to his/her sexual needs. It is less about, “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” and more about a slow dance that leads to fulfillment and satisfaction for both partners.

Learn your partner’s likes and dislikes. Vary positions depending on preferences. Read about sex and learn about techniques. Do not just show affection to your partner when you are ready to have sex. It makes you look inauthentic, and may be off putting to your partner. Concentrate on building up and loving your partner OUTSIDE of the bedroom and there will be a natural flow into sexual intimacy.

In conclusion, pray for and with your spouse; be his/her best friend, finding ways to nurture the friendship; support your marriage with the right thoughts, even when it may seem hard; romance the socks off your spouse, be a lover not a fighter; have sex, lots of it: do it often, do it well. These are the building blocks upon which your marriage will achieve peace and balance.

Welcome to the balanced marriage!

Shola Ezeokoli is a medical doctor, a life coach a 2 time Amazon No 1 bestselling author; and a public speaker. Shola works with purposeful women, helping them get liberated from survival mode and truly live the life that they want to live. Her coaching niche is Balanced Living and this is based on the five pillars of balance: Physical, Emotional, Relational, Mental, and Spiritual. She does this through her program called Discover, Balance, Activate. She has written three books, His Delight, Shoetry and You Are The Best You (which has a companion Workbook). She has a fourth book which she co-wrote with her husband. Staying Married: 7 Key Strategies You Cannot Do Without.

About the author

BMWK Staff wrote 1255 articles on this blog.

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How to Protect Your Marriage from Anything and Anyone that Poses a Threat

BY: - 22 Dec '16 | Marriage

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Unfortunately, there is so much sadness and evil in this world today. It’s so easy to let some of what’s happening around us affect our relationships.

A culture of selfishness and hate could quickly have an impact on even the best of marriages. Seeing friends divorce and hearing stories of infidelity and pain, could have you looking at your own marriage sideways if you aren’t focused and proactive.

Couples, you must know keeping your marriage alive and well is a continuous journey. It won’t happen by chance. It will happen, however, with effort and intention. When you feel the world creeping into your marriage, causing chaos, be proactive and try these 5 tips.

Keep God first and make prayer consistent.

One of my challenges had been praying with my spouse. I know that we are stronger and better equipped to handle whatever comes our way when we are prayed up. It must become a priority if I want our foundation to remain strong. In addition to praying for our marriage, we must also pray for others and what’s happening around us.

Click Here to Join our FREE 5-Day Spiritual Intimacy Challenge

Stay engaged and interested in each other.

Communicate about everything. Stay in tune with what your spouse is experiencing in life, on their job and within the marriage. Having a weekly or monthly check in, as a couple, has really been beneficial in a lot of marriages. It’s also important that we’re not more worried about things outside our relationships than we are about ourselves. You can stay engaged by always making time for each other and ensuring needs are getting met in your marriage.

Recognize what you have and hold on tight. 

Don’t allow others to have you doubting your relationship. You know why you married your spouse and you know why you stay. Silence that outside noise quickly and permanently. It’s okay to remind nosy folks that your marriage is sacred and private. You must also treat your marriage in that way as well. Remembering not to bad mouth your spouse or speak ill of your marriage is also important. Couples must support one another in the good times and the bad.

Celebrate frequently.  

Don’t just wait for the holidays to promote and celebrate your love. Do it frequently and just because. Date nights, thoughtful surprises and weekend getaways are needed. You only have one life and it passes by very quickly. Take advantage of the time you have together. It should be spent enjoying each other’s company as often as possible. Celebrating should definitely become more of a habit in our marriages.

Surround yourselves with positivity.

Look to build a circle with positive people. Those who promote marriage and are doing most of what was recommended above are good for your marriage. It’s hard to remain in a space with good energy when you are surrounded by negativity and constant complaining. There may be some people you will have to love from a distance because of the spirit they bring. It’s ok. You will have to make tough choices sometimes in order to protect your marriage.

Read: If You’re Tired of Complaining to Your Spouse, Try These 3 Things Instead

Your marriage is important to you. Just like everything else you care about, you must be proactive in protecting it from anything or anyone that poses a threat to it.

BMWK, what are additional ways to protect your marriage?

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 635 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit and


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