Was I Wrong for Not Wanting My Wife to Talk to Her Ex-boyfriend After 19 Years?

BY: - 22 Dec '16 | Communication

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True story.

I’m working from home today. My wife of 19 years, who’s also working from home, comes into my office to chit-chat. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then she hits me with…

“Do you mind if I talk to Mitchell?”

I take off my glasses, swivel from my computer, and give her the ‘serious face’ look. Cuz…ain’t but one Mitchell for which that question applies. Her ex-boyfriend…right before I swooped in and snatched her off the market over 20 years ago.

Some Background

I met my wife at work, 2-yrs before we got into a committed relationship. During our platonic friendship, she and Mitchell were on and off. Mostly off.

After we got engaged I could tell she still had feelings for him.

After we got married, I didn’t mind if she and Mitchell still spoke. After all, I had more Mitchell-like relationships than my wife. And I didn’t expect to cease communication with all my Mitchell-ettes after I got married. But…there was one stipulation that applied to both of us: they must respect our marriage!

Crossing the Boundaries

Being a man…and knowing how men think, I knew that Mitchell would eventually try some “lemme see if I still got it” move. I mean…that’s what guys do. But I had to trust my wife.

So…just a few months into our marriage, Mitchell did the predictable.

“You know I still love you…right?”

DUMMY MOVE…MITCH! My wife told me. (HAHA – didn’t expect that…did you homie?)

My response was like,

“He’s done. He crossed the boundaries. You can either shut it down or I’m gonna shut it down.”

“I’ll shut it down.” she replied.

Fast Forward 19 Years

I’m sitting in my office…glasses in-hand…looking at my wife like she’s crazy.

Me: “Yes, I do mind. He’s on the list. He crossed the boundaries. So…no, I don’t want you to talk to him.”

Her: “But that was 19 years ago. He was young. He’s married with children now.”

PAUSE ||: Is my wife in my office prosecuting an argument for speaking to her ex-boyfriend who previously crossed a boundary we both agreed to? I was having an out of body experience. Where is this coming from? Have they already spoken? What’s really going on that she’s not telling me? All these questions are going through my head…while I simultaneously had to maintain a cool-calm-collected demeanor because I didn’t want to discourage my wife from coming to me with her desires/questions in the future.

PLAY >>: We went back and forth for several minutes. She argued for it. I maintained my argument against it. I asked her why she wanted to speak to him. She said he asked their mutual friend about her and wanted to know how she was doing.

Read:  5 Marriage Boundaries Your Family and Friends Should Never Cross

The Choice is Yours

Finally, I was like, “You know my position. It’s not going to change. But you can do what you want. It’s your decision. Just know… if you open up that door – after 19 years – to allow us to continue to communicate with people who previously crossed the line, you will be creating a precedent by introducing something into our marriage that we agreed shouldn’t be there. And I don’t know how that’s going to affect our marriage.”

After an awkward moment of silence…I put my glasses back on and swiveled back towards my computer. She slowly closed the door and left my office. And that’s how it ended.

BMWK: Was I wrong for not wanting my wife talk to her ex-boyfriend after 19 years? Let me know what you think in the comments below.

About the author

Heath Wiggins wrote 83 articles on this blog.

The Purveyor of Understanding - Heath Wiggins married Bernadette (Bernie) Wiggins in October 1997. Together they founded the Family Bootcamp, LLC., a relationship consulting business that helps people improve the communication and trust in relationships. In 2013, Heath launched the blog and book His Leadership Her Trust to combat the lack of trust women had in allowing men be leaders in their relationships. His mission is to teach Christian men how to lead in such a way that women trust, respect, and actually want to them.


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