10 Things Married People Need to Just Stop Doing. And #9 Needs to Stop ASAP

BY: - 4 Jan '17 | Marriage

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Recently someone asked me the question “is marriage even worth it?” Believe it or not, this is a question I get quite often.  And I truly believe that I am getting this question because of the way that some married people behave. They are guilty of being unhappy and miserable in their marriages and then spreading that narrative to others…promoting questions like “is marriage even worth it?”

Because it starts with us married folks, let’s make a vow that this year we are going to be happier and thrive in our marriages vs. just existing in them. I know some of you are tired of feeling like roommates who are just always annoyed with each other,  so let’s DO SOMETHING to change that.

Here are 10 things married people need to stop doing ASAP:

1. Stop acting like you’re the only ones!

Okay first thing’s first: we have to stop acting like the issues and seasons of marriage are just unique to us and our situation. There are so many people that go through the same things you do.  And often times, the answers to how to overcome those things are right around you.  But you just need to stop being so prideful and ask for help.

For any relationship to grow, you must invest in it. And sometimes that means getting some new information and a new perspective. You may think you have all the answers.  But if what you’ve been doing isn’t working, then give something new a try.

2. Stop holding things in and being resentful!

When my relationship clients complain to me about their spouse or marriage, the first question I ask is “well does he or she know you feel this way?” Most times the answer is either “well he/she should just know!” Or,  just a plain old “no.”

Not this year folks! If something is bothering you enough that it’s putting a strain on your relationship, instead of becoming resentful, become proactive and let it be known.

Ant this brings me to my next suggestion…

3. Stop it with the silent treatments!

I’m amazed at the amount of couples who really don’t talk to each other. I know some of you are thinking “well we’ve been together so long there isn’t anything else for us to talk about.”  WRONG – because we are always growing and evolving.  And our needs and desires and changing too.  Open your mouth and start talking again; you’ll be amazed at how many things you’ve been missing.

4. Stop ignoring each other!

Odds are, you probably don’t have much “extra” time laying around. So if you don’t prioritize quality time with your mate, you probably won’t get any.  Your spouse should get the best of you, not what’s left of you after everything and everyone else stakes a claim. You won’t thrive in your marriage without intentionally spending time together. Hey, you might even start remembering what you loved about each other so much when you dedicate your efforts to the beauty of togetherness.

5. Stop holding out!

I know life happens and sometimes sex can be the last thing thing on your mind. But, trust me when I tell you it’s very important. Sex keeps you bonded and connected and a relationship lacking in sexual intimacy will start to feel distant. Spontaneity is great…but if planning sex means it will actually happen… then get your planning on! Truth is…once you start putting that “motion in the ocean” you won’t care if it was planned or not. So get BUSY…literally!

Read: Sex Doesn’t Fix Everything, But Here’s What It Will Do for Your Marriage

6. Stop “popping off” at the mouth!

Gone are the days of you speaking bad about your spouse to them or to others. Loving actions and words produce loving feelings. You married your spouse for a reason and it wasn’t to find everything that’s wrong with him or her and then broadcast it to the world. Your words have the power to build or break…choose to build.

7. Stop being boring!

Find something that y’all love to do and do it….often! That could be matinee movies, dancing, skating, traveling, staycations, massages, playing games, dinners…whatever! Just find something that you and your mate can look forward to and know that when you do it a good time will be had.

8. Stop neglecting yourself!

Many times your marriage isn’t thriving because you’ve lost yourself. So whether something with you is lacking physically, spiritually, emotionally, socially or career wise, do what’s needed to get it right. Like Lauryn Hill said “How you gon’ win if you ain’t right within!?” The better you feel about yourself the better you will treat those around you, including your spouse.

9. Stop acting a fool!

Don’t forget that your children and others are always looking up to the example you are setting. If your kids chose a marriage like yours would you be proud of them? Think about it!

10. Stop being ungrateful!

It doesn’t cost you a thing  to just be nice.  And saying “thank you” is also one of the biggest compliments you can give your spouse. Instead of getting caught up in the fact they are “supposed” to do this or “obligated” to do that, be appreciative that they actually do it. It’s the little, day to day things your spouse wants to know that you appreciate.

Things like clean laundry, a sink with no dishes, completed yard-work, dinner on the table, or being there for the kids are often thankless tasks. So let’s create a new narrative surrounding that! I have no doubt that you are very thankful to your spouse for these things, so let’s go one extra (small) step and let it be known.

Okay, if you’re truly committed to thriving again in your marriage, then do this one last thing and share this article so that others can start to do the same too. We are all in this together and so let’s set the example so that less people ask “is marriage even worth it?” Our communities and families need to see us together and thriving!

BMWK – what are some other things that married folks need to stop doing?

About the author

Troy Spry wrote 206 articles on this blog.

Troy Spry a Certified Life, Dating, and Relationship Coach and the one and only "Reality Expert", resides in Charlotte, NC. He created his blog, Xklusive Thoughts, with the intent of putting out a very realistic perspective and using it as a vehicle for inspiration! He hopes to challenge people to think differently and inspire people to do and be better in relationships and in life!

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Get a Clue: 5 Signs You’re in a Situationship

BY: - 5 Jan '17 | Marriage

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What is a situationshp? Well, I’m glad you asked.  However, I’m going to explain it to you backwards. First, I’m going to tell you 5 ways to know if you’re currently in a situationship …or have ever been in one. Then, I’ll explain to you what a situationship is.

5 Signs You’re in a Situationship

  1. When you’re married, but you hang out socially with a guy that you have a better time with than you do your husband. Sweetie…you’re in a situationship.
  2. When a female always asks you for advice about how to deal with problems in her relationship, and she wishes her man was more like you. Big homie…you’re in a situationship.
  3. When you tell a guy you got a crush on him, but he doesn’t pursue you nor kick you to the curb. Baby-doll…you’ve got yourself a situationship.
  4. When you pour your heart out to a woman and tell her how you feel about her, but she tells you she’s not ready to be in a relationship because she needs to work on herself. And she still wants to remain close friends.  Moe…you’ve just been situationshipped.
  5. When he likes you, but he’s also messin’ with them. And you like him, and you know he’s also messin’ with them. Felicia…youz in a situationship.

Do any of these sound familiar? I know I’ve been in at least 2 out of 5 situationships…both when I was single and after I got married.

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A situationship is a relationship status between a male and female where there exists mutual emotional dependencies, with a splash of physical chemistry (attraction), but no commitment to a monogamous relationship between the two.

If this sounds like friends-with-benefits relationship status…it’s not. The difference is…the benefits aren’t sexual. They’re emotional. A situationship is birthed out of our human emotional needs for connectedness, belonging, and respect. Essentially, two people rely on each other for some kind of emotional connection and/or support, but don’t have a title. Yes, sex might be involved. But that’s physical…and is not the reason for the mutual emotional dependencies.

A situationship is neither good nor bad. It all depends on what your #RelationshipGoals are. For singles, if you are not looking for a serious committed relationship right now, but want to keep your options open in the future…it’s good. For, an emotionally strong situationship can lead to a very deep monogamous relationship. That’s how my wife and I started off.

Conversely, if you want to transition to a committed relationship with the man you’ve been talking to for months, but he seems like he has commitment-phobia…it’s bad. You could get perpetually stuck in the friend-zone.

For married folks, if you’re not getting the emotional connection or respect you want from your spouse and someone else is fulfilling this need, it can get very tricky. This is usually the precursor to an affair.

I was in a situationship with a woman and didn’t know it until my wife, BerNadette (Bernie), pointed it out to me. At first, I denied it because I didn’t recognize the signs. Then, I started noticing the mutual emotional connection we were sharing over ministry. That’s when I had to start pulling it back.

But she didn’t. She tried to connect even more. It was really awkward for a while. Eventually, it got so bad that she would openly address me in public and not my wife and seek my advice over her husband’s (yes she was married). It got tricky.

The final straw was when she told Bernie I made a comment about her body…a comment that would be inappropriate for a married man to say about another married woman. I did make the comment. But she flipped it…and made it seem to Bernie like the comment was reflective of some adoring feeling I had about her body. Fortunately for me, Bernie remembered the comment because I made it in a room full of married couples (our spouses included) as an appropriate joke among friends about how an Instagram picture made her chest look huge. It most definitely was not a suggestive comment about my feelings about her breast!

Bernie didn’t say anything to her at the time. She just nodded her head curiously like, “Oh!” When Bernie later told me what happen, I was done. I had to Michael Jackson moonwalk that relationship all the way back to: I’ll-see-ya-when-I-see-ya; don’t call me I’ll call you. Cuz you not about to mess up my marriage with this situation-shi%.

It’s important for you to know if you’re in a situationship so you can be clear about how to protect your emotions…and your marriage.

BMWK – Have you ever found yourself knowingly or unknowingly in a situationship?

About the author

Heath Wiggins wrote 80 articles on this blog.

The Purveyor of Understanding - Heath Wiggins married Bernadette (Bernie) Wiggins in October 1997. Together they founded the Family Bootcamp, LLC., a relationship consulting business that helps people improve the communication and trust in relationships. In 2013, Heath launched the blog and book His Leadership Her Trust to combat the lack of trust women had in allowing men be leaders in their relationships. His mission is to teach Christian men how to lead in such a way that women trust, respect, and actually want to them.

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