3 Signs That Your Marriage is Really Worth Fighting For

BY: - 20 Jan '17 | Marriage

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Marriage isn’t a requirement in our culture. People get married because they want to. Now of course we can debate whether or not folks are getting married for the right reasons, but whatever those reasons are, it is a personal choice.

And for most of us, the decision to get married is not one taken likely. Some serious thought usually takes place before people decide to say, “I do.” And that should be the case because marriage is designed to be a lifelong commitment. Sure, we hear about the high divorce rate and how so many marriages end within the first five years, but no one enters a marriage planning to be a part of those stats.

When I got married, my plan was for this thing to last my entire lifetime. Now, eight years later, that is still my plan. I didn’t make a commitment before my loved ones and God with thoughts about walking away from it all if things don’t go my way. I said, “I do” because I felt like my man was worthy of my love and I was worthy of his. I married him because I believed we would figure things out together and always find a way to make things work—even when it’s hard as hell.

But I am no fool. I know that we have plenty of bumps ahead. Not because our marriage is riddled with problems, but because that is life. Even the happiest couples fall on hard times. Tragedies occur, people make mistakes, jobs are lost, pain is experienced, and life gets hard. Downright painful, really.

In those moments when it feels like life just hurts and you start to question the union you entered, it’s understandable for some to think about divorce. Even if you don’t want one, you start to wonder if it will come that. You may start to question if your love for each other is enough to weather the storm.

Although I have never been an advocate for remaining married at any cost, I am a strong advocate for fighting for your marriage when you should. I don’t think any commitment made before God should be broken with ease. I believe that although marriages can fall on very tough times, once you decide to spend the rest of your life with someone else, you have an obligation to give it all you’ve got before you walk away.

And sure, there are instances where walking away actually is best for all parties involved. But let’s be real: Many people walk away without putting in that much effort. Many get consumed by frustration and pain and decide that fighting is for the birds and they just can’t be bothered.

Things shouldn’t end this way, though. We have to try harder. We have to fight for our unions unless we find ourselves in a circumstance where being with the other person is straight up damaging and dangerous, either physically or emotionally.

If you are losing your patience and giving up on your marriage is starting to feel like a reasonable option, here are 3 signs that your marriage may be worth fighting for.

There is no emotional or physical abuse involved

Emotional and physical abuse are deal breakers in my book. But if you are married to someone who has always respected your thoughts, emotions, and your body, and they have never done anything abusive, you should really think about if walking away is best. I am not suggesting these are the only things that can break up a marriage, but I do believe that outside of these issues, many other issues can be worked through with appropriate help. Not all other issues, but many of them.

You haven’t tried counseling or therapy

I firmly believe that couples counseling or therapy can play a huge role in helping a couple rebuild their relationship. To give up on your marriage without giving this a try seems unreasonable in my opinion. And you have to give it a fair try. One bad therapist doesn’t mean that therapy doesn’t work. It just means that the therapist you went to wasn’t a good fit for you and your spouse. All couples face issues, and sometimes those issues are just too much to work through alone. Before you throw in the towel on a lifetime commitment, reach out and get professional help. You may be surprised at what a difference it makes.

You haven’t asked God for His help.

What better person to turn to for help than the one you made your commitment before? Whether you go to church religiously, or you only attend on special occasions, you and your mate have to be honest with yourselves about whether or not you have gotten down on your knees and asked the Lord to guide your steps. Have you asked Him to help you heal? Have you asked Him to help you forgive? Have you asked Him to help your transform and become a better spouse? Are you praying for each other? I believe you have to be able to go to your maker and ask for help before you walk away from something you told Him you would never walk away from.

BMWK family, how do you know if your marriage is worth fighting for?

About the author

Martine Foreman wrote 496 articles on this blog.

Martine Foreman is a speaker, writer, lifestyle consultant, and ACE-certified Health Coach who specializes in helping moms who want more out of life but feel overwhelmed and confused. Through her content and services, Martine is committed to helping women embrace their personal truth, gain clarity, and take action to create healthier, happier lives. For more on Martine's candid views on life and love, visit her at candidbelle.com. To work with her, visit her at martineforeman.com. Martine resides in Maryland with her husband, two kids and sassy cat Pepper.

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What to Do When Your “Good Man” Won’t Commit

BY: - 20 Jan '17 | Marriage

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Being in a committed relationship is a want.  It’s not a need or something we have to do.  We have to make a choice to want to be committed to another person.  So how do you handle it when you want a commitment, but your “good man” is dragging his feet on making that choice?

Here is an example of a good man who was commitment adverse and how to deal with a good man who won’t commit.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me…Kinda?

One of my coaching clients said her biggest challenge was that she was dating a man for several years. He wanted to be with her, but he wouldn’t commit.  He treated her extremely well.  They went on trips, their families knew each other and liked the young man.  He tried to, generally, do all he could to make her happy.

The issue was that every time they got extremely close and the idea of marriage or engagement was broached, he would push away.  He would push away to the extent that they would break up.  Eventually he would come back and start the cycle all over again.

However, she wanted marriage, children, and a family life.  He continually was non-committal on the subject.  So, there was a point when she finally made a decision.  She decided she wanted what she wanted. And if their needs didn’t align, that was ok.

She was moving on to find someone who would align with her needs.  And, if he didn’t want marriage, then he couldn’t come back…. But he did come back and he married her.  The key here is not to look at her decision as an ultimatum (it was not), but to look at her decision and realize his lack of interest in commitment, fear of commitment or enjoying his freedom had nothing to do with her. She didn’t force him to commit, she made the decision to do what was best for her.

Let’s look at how we deal with a man who won’t commit by moving forward according the information we have, not our emotions.

Four Points on How to Deal With Your “Good Man” Who Won’t Commit

  1. Find out if his wants and desires align with yours. Often, we get in relationships and never really talk about what we want.  As an example, you may want commitment and he may be cool with a friends with benefits type of relationship.   But you never discuss it, so one of you is unhappy.  Be clear on his wants and needs and clearly express your wants and needs.  Find out if they are in alignment.
  2. Take him at his word. If he’s cool with the lack of commitment, but you want commitment, don’t be mad when you’re still in the relationship five years later ‘hoping’ for him to change.  He told you what’s up…believe him!
  3. Evaluate the information. If you learn that his desires don’t align with yours and he told you this in no uncertain terms, the ball is in your court.  He might string you along to get what he wants, but again, he told you how he feels and now it’s up to you to make a decision.  Make an informed decision based on the facts—which leads me to my last point…
  4. Effect change. If I go to Target to buy my wife some Christian Louboutin’s and they tell me they don’t have them, should I wait?  Do I think they are going to change their mind?  They might string me along to try to sell me something else, but they can’t sell me what they don’t have, and what they aren’t getting.  If your man hasn’t committed, hasn’t shown any sign of committing and told you he’s not committing, he can’t give you what he doesn’t have.  It’s time to move on.  Your “good man” isn’t good for you.

You can waste a lot of time waiting on what you think of as a good man to “come around” who has no intention of committing to you fully.  If your standard is commitment through marriage, then the good man for you is one where his needs align with yours.  He puts you first and if you want a ring, he’s going to put a ring on it.  Stick to your standards and the right “good man” will one day fulfill that commitment.

About the author

Jay Hurt wrote 85 articles on this blog.

Jay Hurt is a Relationship Coach, columnist and author of the book, The 9 Tenets of a Successful Relationship (http://9tenetsonline.com/about-the-book ). Jay’s focus is working with people who want to design better relationships and get more out of life!

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