Help! Should I Remain Married Although My Husband Says He Doesn’t Love Me Anymore?

BY: - 17 Jan '17 | Marriage

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I have been married 33 years. My husband says he no longer loves me and is very adamant about it. He has cheated in the relationship a number of times. I’m a Christian and have asked him about counseling and he refuses. I am at my wits end. I am considering divorce. Should I Remain Married Although My Husband Rejects Me? Do you have any advice for lonely and hurting wife in a loveless marriage?

Sincerely,

Lonely Wife

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Dear Lonely Wife,

I hate to be so blunt with you considering that you are in pain. However, it is important that I remind you that love cannot live where is love is not wanted. This is difficult for me to say this to you, especially knowing that you have spent 33 years of your life with your husband. I would have responded differently if you would have reported that your husband stated that he does not love you, but he is willing to work on it. I am concerned about your willingness to remain with your husband through infidelity and blunt rejection.

Love cannot live where is love is not wanted.

You stated that you are a Christian and did the Godly thing by asking your husband to attend counseling. This is commendable and you should feel good about fighting for your marriage. While fighting for your marriage is important, please keep in mind that your self-worth, self-esteem, identity and dignity should never be comprised to please your husband. Believe it or not, you make it easy for him to reject you because you reject yourself.

If you are at your wits end, then maybe you should consider ending your marriage. If you question yourself over and over again about why you remain, then you probably should go. If your marriage is consuming you mentally and emotionally and causes you to feel unlovable then you should move on.

As a Christian like you, I believe that God can work things out. However, I also believe that faith without works is dead. I rarely recommend that people walk away from their marriage. However, when one person does not care to try at all it is impossible to save a damaged relationship. Your husband does not want to do his part to work things out so you need to move on.

Sometimes we see signs that tell what we need to do, but we ignore them because they are not signs that we want to see. No matter how spiritual you may be, you cannot create a healthy marriage all by yourself.  Finally, seek professional help and spend more time focusing on making you better.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 187 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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Here’s Why You Need to Give Your In-Laws the Benefit of the Doubt

BY: - 17 Jan '17 | Marriage

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Are in-laws bad or are they just getting a bad rap?  Many times, what seems like issues with your in-laws are just misunderstandings. You see, when you first get married, everyone is learning their new role – you, your spouse and your in-laws too. You are not the only one that will have to make adjustments for this new family dynamic.

For instance, if your parents are used to having a big say in what you do and don’t do, this will have to change after you get married. If they are used to voicing their opinion and expect you to follow their way of doing things, those ties should be cut.

On the other hand, there are things that in-laws do to express their love, that can be misunderstood by us. For example, when our first child was born we were a military family, stationed away from home. Well, my mother is a giver. It was nothing for a delivery truck to show up in front of our home and deliver everything from baby furniture to clothes.

Read: 7 BIG Things that Couples Want Their In-Laws to Puh-lease Stop Doing… TODAY!

This used to make my husband hot. He would feel like – Does she think I can’t buy things for my own family, am I not capable of providing for them? Then a light bulb went off in his head. He realized this brought my mom joy. I wasn’t asking for things, she just enjoyed giving. This was a win-win situation. My mom was excited to be a blessing to our family and as a young couple we saved money not having to buy certain items.

Now, let’s look at another example from a woman’s perspective. After my husband left the military, we moved back to our hometown. We both needed to work full-time. Our kids were little and produced a mountain of dirty laundry. It would stack up sky high. My mother-in-law noticed. So what happened next should sound like a good thing. However, it wasn’t to a young mom who was doing her best.

You see, I would come home and all of the laundry would be washed and folded. Issue or misunderstanding? It took me a while to realize the same thing my husband had realized. My mother-in-law was a help. She saw I was in over my head. It was not an issue but a misunderstanding. This was another win-win situation.  I had never worked full time with little kids.  Any my mother-in-law saw I needed help and provided it.

Issues are often misunderstandings. When situations are looked at from a new perspective, things can be seen in a better light. What seemed like an intrusion on first glance turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Who doesn’t enjoy a blessing?

Family is that blessing. It takes time to settle into the roles of couple and in-laws. That mother has never shared her son or daughter with anyone to the degree that is now demanded of her. That father who coached his child through every decision must step aside and now watch his son or daughter step into the role of coach with a family of his own.

I have been a daughter-in-law for 29 years and a mother-in-law for a mere 35 days. My hope for you and for me is that issues and misunderstandings are kept to a minimum, while love is kept on maximum.

BMWK – can you think of instances where your in-laws could use the benefit of the doubt.

About the author

Deborah L. Mills wrote 183 articles on this blog.

Coach, AUTHOR, Speaker, WIFE, Mom, and GRANDMOTHER. That's the gist of who I am. I love people and love to see their life and relationships thrive. As a coach I am ready to support your dream when you don't feel like it. As an author and speaker I am ready to pour into your life so that you can live your best life now. I am a personal and executive coach. Together with my husband I also marriage coach. GO TO MY WEBSITE. THERE IS A FREE GIFT THERE WAITING FOR YOU. http://bit.ly/2deborahlmills

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