How to Overcome Feelings of Doubt and Uncertainty in Your Marriage

BY: - 30 Jan '17 | Marriage

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It doesn’t feel good to make a decision about something in your marriage, set goals, agree to them, start out on this path of accomplishing these goals, and then start second-guessing your decisions because you have doubts.

And sometimes doubts can come out of nowhere. But sometimes they can come from outside influences.

When Lamar and I decided to take our business to the next level, he resigned from his position and we moved from the DC area to the Atlanta area. This was a well thought out plan that we made and worked on together. It has been the very best decision for our family and our business. So, I was shocked to hear some of the negative comments that outsiders made about our decision. But, I did not even entertain them.

Once you and your spouse come to an agreement, it shouldn’t matter what others think. However, you must be careful about those little seeds of doubt that people plant as they can cause you stress and turmoil in your relationships. You can let their opinions impact you without even knowing it.

You need to check your doubts as soon as possible and not allow them to fester or linger.

Over the years (especially when we were first married) I let outside opinions and negative comments plant seeds of doubt. And I definitely think that this resulted in arguments at home. However, I have been able to get beyond that by communicating with Lamar and working closely with him (keeping our bond tight.)

 

Doubts can impact your marriage in a variety of ways.

  • Doubts can make you question your commitment.
  • Doubts can prevent you from moving forward and slow you down from making progress towards your goals.
  • Doubts can cause undue stress and arguments.
  • Doubts will have you questioning the plan that God has for your marriage.

And so we are not saying that it is not natural to have doubts, but what we are saying is that you need to check your doubts as soon as possible and not allow them to fester or linger.

And our good friend, Dr. Harold L Arnold, Jr, author of The Unfair Advantage – A Grace-Inspired Path to Winning at Marriage, gives us the a few great ways to address your doubts when they arise.  Dr. Arnold says:

“Do not allow doubt to linger” 

“Do not feed into it.” 

“Be Confident in what God has spoken and invested into your marriage”

“Surround yourself with people who validate what God is doing through you.” 

“Take positive steps toward your goals.” 

“Repeat affirmations to yourself until doubt loosens its grip.” 

And If I can just add a few more things that we do when doubt rears its ugly head:

Set mutually beneficial goals. We made sure that both of us agreed to the goals/decisions that we made and that they were mutually beneficial. 

Have regular checkpoints. We had regular checkpoints on our progress and held each other accountable. If things weren’t   working, we had to re-plan. 

 Communicate frequently. If little seeds of doubt crop up, don’t allow them to take root. Tell your spouse how you are feeling. Communicate frequently and you will be able to re-assure each other and make plans to address the concerns as they arise. 

Remember you are a team. Always remember that you are a team that is working together on common goals. Be a team inside of the home as well as outside of the home. If you have disagreements about your family goals… work them out together at home.

Support each other’s dreams. This one is really big. If you don’t know anything about Lamar and me, know this…we are a team. We support each other in our individual endeavors as well as our common goals. 

Don’t give out votes. People don’t need to know your business and they certainly don’t get a vote!!   Enough said!!

Seek wise counsel. I am not saying that you should not have people that you consult or confide in, but have some discernment when seeking advice and counsel.   Sometimes your mama or your best friend is not the best or most qualified person to give you advice. 

Finally, know that you will never fail if you have each other. And real success comes from being able to love and support each other through the good times and the bad times.

About the author

Ronnie Tyler wrote 517 articles on this blog.

Ronnie Tyler is the co-creator of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com and co-producer of the films Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage, You Saved Me, Men Ain't Boys and Still Standing. The proud mom of 4 has been selected by Parenting Magazine as a Must-Read Mom and is one of Babble's Top 100 Mom Bloggers.

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How I Went From a Childish Husband to a Mature Husband

BY: - 31 Jan '17 | Marriage

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Okay so in the spirit of full disclosure, you should know that God isn’t done with me yet. But when it comes to being a husband, I can say I’ve come a long way.

When I first got married, I thought  it was about me.  I’ve got this beautiful wife there to serve me and meet my needs day in and day out…RIGHT?  Wrong!!!!

When I first got married, I thought  it was about me.

There were so many childish thoughts and actions I had at the beginning of my marriage, but as I’ve matured some things have changed…and so has my marriage.

When I matured, I stopped trying so hard to prove I was still a man.

I must admit, at times, I felt I had to beat my chest to prove I was still in control. I was defensive if my wife asked a question about where I was going or what I was doing.  And then, one day I realized how childish I was.

When I matured, I realized it wasn’t about control, but about concern.  And, it doesn’t make me weak for taking my wife’s feelings and schedule into consideration. I realized it wasn’t about asking for permission it was about being considerate.

When I matured, I stopped running away from vulnerability.

I used to feel that not showing emotion and keeping things in was asserting my manhood.

When I matured, I realized that if I can’t be vulnerable with my wife, then I can’t be vulnerable with anyone. It was such a relief to finally let it all out! It was also a relief to admit to her that I didn’t always know what to do or what path to take, and she comforted me rather than berate me. The maturity I gained in that aspect unearthed a new peace for me.

When I matured, I became more conscious about edifying my wife in public and to others.

I used to always want to play it cool about how awesome my wife was by downplaying it to others.

When I matured, I realized how powerful it is to edify and uplift my wife. She is awesome in so many ways and I don’t mind letting folks know that now. It doesn’t make me sprung….we’ll wait maybe it does….and I’m cool with that!

READ: How I Went From a Childish Wife to a Mature Wife

When I matured, I stopped thinking my wife was trying to control me.

I used to get so defensive when my wife would send me those “honey do” lists or send me text messages about things that needed to get done. I used to take it as her trying to give me orders or treat me like a child. In fact, I would often say “I’m not your child that you give chores to.”

When I matured, I realized that she was just trying to get things done so that she could create a good environment for her family. How silly of me! I must admit sometimes I still roll my eyes at the lists, but now I know it’s not about controlling me or dictating, she’s asking for help in getting things done in the home and life that we share.

When I matured, I understood the difference between SEX and INTIMACY.

I used to think that if there were periods of time where my wife and I weren’t having a lot of sex that it meant something was wrong. I would take it personal and sometimes it would create some tension.

When I  matured, I realized that sometimes being intimate is even more powerful than sex. Sometimes it’s the holding of hands on the couch, or the long embraces in the kitchen, or the date nights and compliments, and showing of appreciation for one another that is creating the intimacy. I’ve learned that true intimacy is about closeness and not just about orgasms.

I wish I could sit here and act like I was perfect and that my marriage is perfect, but the truth is that it’s not. The difference, though, is that I am okay with that and I know that it’s a journey.  And that journey is so much more enjoyable with my wife and watching us grow together is more powerful than any “perfect” union. I love my wife and she loves me.  And yes, we still get on each other’s nerves sometimes, but our marriage is so much better as I continue to grow and mature as a husband.

BMWK – let us know below.  What’s the difference between a childish husband and a mature husband?

Also READ: How I Went from a Childish Wife to a Mature Wife

About the author

Troy Spry wrote 225 articles on this blog.

Troy Spry a Certified Life, Dating, and Relationship Coach and the one and only "Reality Expert", resides in Charlotte, NC. He created his blog, Xklusive Thoughts, with the intent of putting out a very realistic perspective and using it as a vehicle for inspiration! He hopes to challenge people to think differently and inspire people to do and be better in relationships and in life!

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