What to Do When Your “Good Man” Won’t Commit

BY: - 20 Jan '17 | Marriage

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Being in a committed relationship is a want.  It’s not a need or something we have to do.  We have to make a choice to want to be committed to another person.  So how do you handle it when you want a commitment, but your “good man” is dragging his feet on making that choice?

Here is an example of a good man who was commitment adverse and how to deal with a good man who won’t commit.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me…Kinda?

One of my coaching clients said her biggest challenge was that she was dating a man for several years. He wanted to be with her, but he wouldn’t commit.  He treated her extremely well.  They went on trips, their families knew each other and liked the young man.  He tried to, generally, do all he could to make her happy.

The issue was that every time they got extremely close and the idea of marriage or engagement was broached, he would push away.  He would push away to the extent that they would break up.  Eventually he would come back and start the cycle all over again.

However, she wanted marriage, children, and a family life.  He continually was non-committal on the subject.  So, there was a point when she finally made a decision.  She decided she wanted what she wanted. And if their needs didn’t align, that was ok.

She was moving on to find someone who would align with her needs.  And, if he didn’t want marriage, then he couldn’t come back…. But he did come back and he married her.  The key here is not to look at her decision as an ultimatum (it was not), but to look at her decision and realize his lack of interest in commitment, fear of commitment or enjoying his freedom had nothing to do with her. She didn’t force him to commit, she made the decision to do what was best for her.

Let’s look at how we deal with a man who won’t commit by moving forward according the information we have, not our emotions.

Four Points on How to Deal With Your “Good Man” Who Won’t Commit

  1. Find out if his wants and desires align with yours. Often, we get in relationships and never really talk about what we want.  As an example, you may want commitment and he may be cool with a friends with benefits type of relationship.   But you never discuss it, so one of you is unhappy.  Be clear on his wants and needs and clearly express your wants and needs.  Find out if they are in alignment.
  2. Take him at his word. If he’s cool with the lack of commitment, but you want commitment, don’t be mad when you’re still in the relationship five years later ‘hoping’ for him to change.  He told you what’s up…believe him!
  3. Evaluate the information. If you learn that his desires don’t align with yours and he told you this in no uncertain terms, the ball is in your court.  He might string you along to get what he wants, but again, he told you how he feels and now it’s up to you to make a decision.  Make an informed decision based on the facts—which leads me to my last point…
  4. Effect change. If I go to Target to buy my wife some Christian Louboutin’s and they tell me they don’t have them, should I wait?  Do I think they are going to change their mind?  They might string me along to try to sell me something else, but they can’t sell me what they don’t have, and what they aren’t getting.  If your man hasn’t committed, hasn’t shown any sign of committing and told you he’s not committing, he can’t give you what he doesn’t have.  It’s time to move on.  Your “good man” isn’t good for you.

You can waste a lot of time waiting on what you think of as a good man to “come around” who has no intention of committing to you fully.  If your standard is commitment through marriage, then the good man for you is one where his needs align with yours.  He puts you first and if you want a ring, he’s going to put a ring on it.  Stick to your standards and the right “good man” will one day fulfill that commitment.

About the author

Jay Hurt wrote 85 articles on this blog.

Jay Hurt is a Relationship Coach, columnist and author of the book, The 9 Tenets of a Successful Relationship (http://9tenetsonline.com/about-the-book ). Jay’s focus is working with people who want to design better relationships and get more out of life!

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3 Ways to Support Your Spouse When They Need You the Most

BY: - 23 Jan '17 | Marriage

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Boy oh boy can life have its way with us. As long as we live, we will continue to experience the ups and downs that are thrown our way. Some of it can really knock the wind out of us if we don’t have a strong enough support system.  And your marriage should actually be that system.

When life hits your spouse hard, it’s not your job to hit them even harder.

Couples should know how to support one another through the trials. And because every person is different, it’s important to be in tune with what’s needed within your relationships and for your spouse. When life hits your spouse hard, it’s not your job to hit them even harder.  Here 3 ways to really be there for your spouse when they need you the most.

Don’t Blame Them… Be Encouraging

I remember when I was laid off from my job and how devastated I was. It took me a while (a year to be exact) to find another job.  I started to feel like a failure, wondering why companies weren’t calling me back. The silver lining in that struggle was my husband.  He took care of everything and made it so that I really didn’t have to worry.

The key to being supportive during a job loss is not blame but encouragement. Use words that remind your spouse of how awesome they are and that something will happen for them soon. Remember, prayer changes things. Pray with your spouse as well as for your spouse. Be careful not to embarrass or belittle them for the time it might take to find a job. If you see effort, applaud the effort. Also consider creating fun and cheap ways to have date nights. Constantly doing things that remind the other person that money is tight could be hurtful.

Give them space

Losing a loved one is always difficult. People in general have a hard time knowing the right things to say to a person grieving. Again, prayer is also needed during this time more than ever. We must also remember everyone’s needs are different when it comes to dealing with death.

Knowing your spouse and being aware of their needs will help. Give them space and allow them to tell you what they need most and be willing to give them that. If it’s silence give them that. Time alone, give them that. Be understanding when they make their request on how they’d like to be supported.

When I lost my grandmother and then a few years later my step father, my husband seemed to know what I needed. He didn’t use a whole lot of words, but his physical presence, how he looked at me and how he held me in his arms were really all I needed.

Forgive Them

In life, we sometimes make mistakes. Some are costly and hit our marriage pretty hard. Poor financial decisions, car accidents, or even just making the wrong choice in a situation are a few examples. The one thing most people find frustrating is when they are reminded of the mistake over and over again. As long as responsibility is taken and a solution has been created, couples should be able to move on. There is no need to harp on a mistake when it was a mistake. Forgive, learn and move forward together.

Again, life can be hard on an individual and a marriage. Couples must find ways to love and support one another even more during trials. Paying attention and remaining connected to your spouse will always help in knowing how to support them when they need you most.

BMWK, how have you supported your spouse during trials?

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 616 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit www.thelifeandlovecoach.com and www.theboldersister.com.

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