15 Signs You are Single-Handedly Sabotaging Your Marriage

BY: - 17 Feb '17 | Marriage

Share this article!

TNMCoupleDateIgnoreBadFeature

Everyone always talks about how hard it is to build and sustain a healthy, happy relationship.  And I agree. And no, it’s not all hard work. I have plenty of fun with my husband and I cherish all of those good times. But, I can definitely acknowledge that it’s not always fun and games.

Sometimes it’s challenging as hell.

But we all make decisions, every day, that can either help or hurt our relationships. And when it comes to making decisions that hurt, those are the decisions that make this thing called love and marriage hard—maybe even downright painful.

And one thing that hurts our relationships the most is when we begin sabotaging things. But what does that even mean, right? Why would anyone get married and decide to sabotage things?

The thing is, it isn’t always a choice. Sabotage is something that many people do subconsciously.

But why damage something that you want to last a lifetime, right?

The reasons vary, really. For some it has to do with past relationships, while for others it has to do with other personal issues. But regardless of the reason, there is no question that the sabotage is damaging.

If you are reading this and wondering if you’re sabotaging your union, here are a few questions you should ask yourself.

  1. Do I pick fights often?
  2. Do I make assumptions instead of communicating with my spouse?
  3. Do I shut down even though my spouse tries to keep the lines of communication open?
  4. Do I hide information from my spouse and claim it’s for her own good?
  5. Do I distrust my spouse, even though he has never done anything to make me question his honesty?
  6. Do I think I’m always right?
  7. Do I constantly criticize my spouse?
  8. Do I consistently withhold intimacy as a way to punish my spouse?
  9. Do I always play the victim?
  10. Do I remind my spouse that I don’t need him because I can do bad all by myself.
  11. Do I love drama?
  12. Do I constantly threaten to leave her when things get tough in the relationship?
  13. Do I constantly downplay my spouse’s needs?
  14. Do I discourage my spouse’s dreams?
  15. Do I refuse to to get help for our marriage, even though we are having serious problems?

These questions should serve as a starting point. If you answered yes to several of these questions, does it mean your relationship is destined for failure? Not at all. But it does mean that you have some work to do. It means that something in your past—either with your current partner or from a previous relationship—is possibly lingering and interfering with your ability to foster a healthy relationship right now. It could even mean that you have unresolved personal issues that are driving your decisions.

But remember that sabotage is not about assigning blame. It doesn’t need to be anyone’s fault. When you realize that sabotage is occurring, your focus should simply be about identifying why it’s going on and determining what you can do to change things.

Yes, marriage is hard work. Even with husband and wife doing the best they can, it is tough to create a relationship that will stand the test of time. That’s why you don’t need to do anything individually or collectively to harm your union. You have enough to contend with. Sabotage just complicates things and adds a layer of stress and drama your relationship doesn’t need.

BMWK family – what other ways can a spouse sabotage their marriage?

About the author

Martine Foreman wrote 481 articles on this blog.

Martine Foreman is a speaker, writer, lifestyle consultant, and ACE-certified Health Coach who specializes in helping moms who want more out of life but feel overwhelmed and confused. Through her content and services, Martine is committed to helping women embrace their personal truth, gain clarity, and take action to create healthier, happier lives. For more on Martine's candid views on life and love, visit her at candidbelle.com. To work with her, visit her at martineforeman.com. Martine resides in Maryland with her husband, two kids and sassy cat Pepper.

Store

like what you're reading?

Start Shopping!

Discussion

Facebook Wordpress

Leave a Reply

Get
All Articles Delivered To Your Inbox Daily! Sign up below!

Dafnette & Jumaine Jones: How Embracing the Waiting Room Led to the Biggest Blessing in Their Marriage

BY: - 20 Feb '17 | Marriage

Share this article!

jumaine-and-dafnette-jones-_feature

Jumaine and Dafnette Jones are speakers, authors, and leaders. They have been speaking to audiences for over 20 years, both individually and as a couple. When we asked them about their love story, Dafnette & Jumaine share how they met through a mutual acquaintance…by accident. And, what started out as a friendship, ended up in courtship and the two were married in March of 2005.

We first discovered Jumaine and Dafnette through a video that they shared on Facebook.  They’ve turned their test into a testimony that is sure to encourage so many couples that are currently in “the waiting room.”

BMWK: What was it that led you to writing the book, The Waiting Room: Choosing to Thrive When Life Hurts

Dafnette: It was very difficult because when you’re waiting, sometimes you have those moments of, “I’m ok” and others like “Lord, have you forgotten about me?”

It became challenging to write it and sometimes even to read what I had written and needed to reapply to myself. It was really a fight just to get through and finish the book. But it was like the Holy Spirit said, “You have to do this.”

jumaine-and-dafnette-jones-_-photo

Photo Credit: M. Shonell Photography, copyright 2017

BMWK: You decided to share your story while you were still in the “waiting room”; while you were still waiting on God to bless you with a child. What was the biggest challenge with doing that?

Dafnette: Clinging to a promise; one that you really feels like “Ok, God is going to bless us with children?” But you don’t know the outcome, so putting that promise out there was a challenge.

And also it’s very personal, for me as a female. You get married, and our bodies should be producing offspring, but it’s not. It wasn’t. And you’re surrounded by others, where family is a theme – marriage and having children. You’re constantly in these environments where people are talking about family, talking about children, talking about “be fruitful and multiply”. You fixate on this child that you haven’t had. So that was very difficult to talk about.

I think that’s why God needed me to write the book to encourage His people. You can live your life and accomplish things while waiting (whatever it is that you’re waiting for).

When you’re dealing with fresh disappointment upon disappointment, it’s really hard to smile and rejoice, but you just have to.

You can live your life and accomplish things while waiting…

Jumaine: One of the biggest challenges is while you hope, and you cling to God’s promises, you never know when God will do it. You know that God can, but you don’t always know if God will.   Or if He does, when He will do it. And even, sometimes, as a leader, wanting to encourage her [Dafnette], but not always having the right words to say. Sometimes as a husband you want to fix a situation, you just want to take it away.

I realized that this was a situation that I couldn’t fix. I couldn’t do anything about it. As I look back, it was like wow! It was Dafnette’s sharing our journey before God that allowed us to become pregnant.

In writing the book, Dafnette was just being honest and transparent and saying, “This is what we’re going through right now.”

BMWK: How would you say this waiting period affected your marriage? What lesson did you have to overcome in this period of your marriage?

Dafnette: Mutual encouragement because there would be times when I was really down and I’m asking, “Do you believe He’s going to give us children?” And he had to give me an honest response in the moment, like “I don’t know” or “maybe” or “yeah” and then we’d flip back and forth.

Jumaine: One of the things that we talked about was just trying to maximize the stage that we were in  at the time. We said “Ok, we are praying that God will bless us with children.” But until then, let’s just take advantage of opportunities to travel or have a more flexible schedule to pour into our marriage. We went on missions trips. We didn’t want to press the pause button on our marriage, waiting for a child.

We’re able to look back over the past 10 years and say you know what, we were able to take advantage of some opportunities to both impact others and to enjoy our marriage.

BMWK: Tell us about the moment you discovered that you were pregnant and that moment was like?

Dafnette: I think I had a sense of disbelief. I was so used to getting “no, you’re not pregnant”. When the nurse called [after getting bloodwork done], she gets on the phone and she sounds the way she normally sounds. I was just ready to cry. I was fully anticipating bad news. So we get the call, the nurse said, “Well, I want to give you your results…I want to tell you you’re pregnant.” I’m in disbelief and Jumaine burst out crying. I’m thinking, “Ok, so what do I do now? When do I come in for more blood work to see if the levels are going up?” And then when we called my parents, I just started crying. “We’re pregnant!” I had been bracing myself for another disappointment.

jumaine-and-dafnette-jones-_photo-2

M. Shonell Photography, copyright 2017

BMWK: Dafnette turned in the manuscript for her book, The Waiting Room, in November, and they got the call that she was pregnant the first week of December 2015. They had their baby girl on July 14, 2016.

Shortly after giving birth, Dafnette nearly lost her life due to losing over half of her blood volume and then being in a medically induced coma. Three weeks later, she had a pulmonary embolism but got to the hospital in time for them to treat it. She said, she could definitely write another book about her post-delivery experience. To this, Dafnette says: “To God be the glory I’m actually here to be a mother. Not just give birth.”

Jumaine: One of the things that was crucial for us through this whole journey is the importance of having a strong support system and people who can pray with you and be an encouragement to you. It’s something that we both needed.

Dafnette: They’re getting pregnancy news, and we still had to be a good a friend. And then it was a blessing too that I had friends who even gave me permission to miss the big moment in their life because they knew what was healthiest for me, and allowed me to support in other ways.

BMWK: Having to answer questions about why you don’t have kids must’ve been difficult.  Looking back, what would have helped and supported you instead of making you feel inadequate for not being able to have children?

Dafnette: There are times people could sense something was up, so they’d approach us with “Can I ask you a question?” And sometimes I’d know that at least they thought enough to ask me a question. Sometimes just start with, “Do you want children?” Or maybe, “Is there something I could pray with you about?” Each person is different. For some people, it may not bother them as much or they may want to talk about it. Some people may not, so asking simple questions like these would be helpful.

Making jokes, and making light of the situation because you don’t know what to say, can sometimes be more hurtful. In the church community, around people in leadership positions, or speaking from platforms, just acknowledging that there may be people in the room who don’t have children but would like to. Sometimes that made me more receptive to a speaker when they said things like that. It really helped me in environments where people acknowledged that. Everybody in the room may not be a parent, or some may be going through difficulty.

BMWK: What are some of the best marriage lessons that you have learned along the way?

Dafnette: Pray together, and be honest. There may be decisions you need to make and sometimes you may not be on the same page. But don’t dismiss your spouse’s wishes. About a year beforehand, God led us to a decision to go ahead and pursue treatment. I was feeling like “I really don’t want to do this”. But we prayed together and I felt God motion my heart because clearly it was important to my husband.

And lo and behold, that’s what God allowed to work. Remain committed to one another. Jumaine and I knew foremost that we would remain committed to our marriage and one another no matter the outcome of our fertility journey.

Honor one another while in the waiting room. When we’re tired, frustrated, and discouraged we must be especially careful to honor and affirm one another.

Jumaine: Take time to invest in your romance as a couple. One of the things that Dafnette and I have done is being committed to having weekly date nights. In addition to that, we do quarterly getaways where we go somewhere close.

Going through a situation like this, or any challenging situation, takes so much out of your marital bank account.  If you’re not making those regular deposits, it can create challenges. Make sure you take time to do that once a week, or as often as you can – going out for dinner, going to see a movie, going out having fun.

It reminds us as couples that life is bigger than the challenge that we’re facing. As I look back over those 10 years, those were 2 of the things that were crucial in keeping us going.

BMWK: Jumaine and Dafnette serve at The Bridge, a multi-ethnic, multi-generational church in Silver Spring, MD, where Jumaine is the Lead Pastor and Dafnette is the Spiritual Growth Director. They enjoy traveling, reading, spending time outdoors, photography, and consider themselves “foodies.” They are passionate about seeing people grow and thrive in all areas of life. As a result, their teaching and writing address practical issues and struggles. They have been married for almost 12 years and are the proud parents of a new baby girl. If you’re interested in connecting with Dafnette and Jumain Jones, and learning more about The Waiting Room, you can connect with them on Twitter (Daffnette, Jumaine), and online at DafnetteJones.com

Please join us in thanking Jumaine and Daffnette for being so open and transparent in sharing their testimony that will give so many couples encouragement while in the waiting room.

About the author

Christine St. Vil wrote 153 articles on this blog.

Christine St.Vil is co-author of the Whose Shoes Are Your Wearing: 12 Steps to Uncovering the Woman You Really Want to Be. A happy wife to an amazing hubby of 8 years, and homeschooling mother of three, she teaches moms how to FLY (First Love Yourself). She uses her corporate background to work with women who are ready to start a new business, accelerate their career growth & design a life they love. She's on a mission to help moms to battle the mom guilt epidemic, so they can begin to put themselves first on their never-ending list of priorities.

Store

like what you're reading?

Start Shopping!

Discussion

Facebook Wordpress