5 Universal Relationship Deal Breakers…Get Out Now!

BY: - 24 Feb '17 | Relationships

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When we enter relationships, we all have our own personal deal breakers. And it makes sense, really, because we all have different needs and expectations. Some of us want children…while others don’t; Some insist on living in the city…while others refuse.

I know having children was a deal breaker for me. I would not have been able to marry a man who didn’t want kids. Even if I was unable to give birth to children, I knew I would adopt. So if a man didn’t want kids at all, he could keep it moving. I was not the girl for him.

Despite our individual (and very personal) deal breakers, I often wonder if some deal breakers are universal. Are there some things that no one should ever accept in a relationship?

I think so.

I think despite our individual differences, there are some things that should always be deal breakers. And what does that mean? It means that if you are dating a man or women who does these things, you should run in the other direction because you deserve better.

If you are dating a man or women who does these things, you should run in the other direction because you deserve better.

So what are some of these universal deal breakers? Here goes…

Physical or Verbal Abuse

I am not suggesting that all people who abuse their partners are horrible people. I don’t think that’s fair. But I am suggesting that they need help and it’s not your job to help them. People who are abusive have a lot to work through and there is never a reason why you should serve as a punching bag while they work through that stuff. If someone is hurting you –physically or verbally—and placing you in danger, you have to walk away. And I know that walking away is never easy. I know a number of women I love who struggle with doing just that. If you want to leave an abusive relationship and you need help, contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

Consistent Infidelity

I think a person can mess up, cheat once, and make things right. But I think that person is very different from the one who cheats on you consistently. You deserve better. When someone you love chooses to step out on you time and time again, don’t hold on to some false hope that he or she will change. It won’t happen and if it does, it won’t be for you; it will be because he or she has grown tired of living that way. Set high expectations and tell people who can’t meet them that hey have no place in your life.

Lack of Respect

If your man or lady doesn’t respect you now, a ring won’t change anything. The way someone treats you says a lot about how much that person values you. Someone who doesn’t respect you as a person isn’t worthy of a major role in your life. Respect is the cornerstone of all happy relationships—romantic or otherwise. If you are not being respected in your current relationship, you have to believe that somewhere out there is a mate who will give you the respect you deserve.

Controlling Behavior

Controlling behavior is not a normal or healthy sign of love and affection. There is no reason for anyone to track where you are and what you are doing every minute of the day. Someone women view this behavior as endearing at first, only to realize later on that it’s not. If you are with someone who wants to control you in various ways, it should be a deal breaker. Not to mention, control often leads to verbal or physical abuse and you don’t want to stick around and wait for that to happen.

Substance Abuse

I firmly believe there is hope for anyone with a substance abuse problem. I also believe in supporting people I care about from a distance. When someone is battling with substance abuse, they are in no space—mentally or emotionally—for that person to be involved in an intimate relationship. They just don’t have the capacity for it. If you start dating someone and soon realize that he or she has a substance abuse problem, you should stay clear of developing an intimate relationship. You can offer your support and friendship, but anything more won’t serve either of you well.

BMWK family, what do you think should be universal deal breakers?

About the author

Martine Foreman wrote 494 articles on this blog.

Martine Foreman is a speaker, writer, lifestyle consultant, and ACE-certified Health Coach who specializes in helping moms who want more out of life but feel overwhelmed and confused. Through her content and services, Martine is committed to helping women embrace their personal truth, gain clarity, and take action to create healthier, happier lives. For more on Martine's candid views on life and love, visit her at candidbelle.com. To work with her, visit her at martineforeman.com. Martine resides in Maryland with her husband, two kids and sassy cat Pepper.

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In a Stressful World, 5 Ways to Make Your Marriage Your Safe Haven

BY: - 27 Feb '17 | Marriage

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With all the stress and worry this world can inflict upon us, it’s important to create a space in our life where there is peace and joy. For me, this space is my home, with my family and within my marriage. I can’t imagine not having an outlet or a safe haven where I can flee the frustration of politics, my job and negative people I may encounter everyday.

My marriage has to feel good to me. Now it will not just magically be that safe space for me without any effort on my part. Both my husband and I have to decide that we want that sense of peace for our relationship. Once the decision is made, our actions then have to be in alignment with that goal.

If this is also one of your goals as a couple, here are a few suggestions for making your marriage your safe haven:

Pray for peace and joy in your marriage.

Ask God for it and expect it to happen. As you pray and ask God for peace and joy in your home, also ask for Him to remove those obstacles that may block you and your spouse from having those things. Whether it’s temptation, laziness, procrastination or anger, ask God to help you and your spouse in that area, so you can thrive as a couple.

Leave the drama outside the door.

Any drama or negativity that happens at work, should stay at work. Your spouse doesn’t deserve it. If you weren’t bold enough to manage the conflict on your job, there isn’t any reason your spouse has to be your emotional punching bag. Remember if they weren’t the cause of your frustration, don’t make them feel the brunt of it.

Look for 3 things to be grateful for everyday.

Sometimes, all we can do is focus on what didn’t work. However, if you took time to focus on all the things that did work, you’d be surprised. There are so many things that actually could go wrong within a day, so being grateful will definitely shift your perspective. As you discover the three things to be grateful for each new day, be sure to share them with your spouse. This positivity could easily become contagious within your marriage.

Find an outlet to release your frustration.

I understand it isn’t always easy to just turn off the disappointment and turn on the happy. It’s a process. One that sometimes requires a little something outside of ourselves. If you struggle with this, please be proactive in finding a solution. You don’t have to stay stuck in that negative space. There are resources and professionals that can help you navigate through those feelings. Remember, you aren’t any good to anyone if you aren’t good to yourself first. You can also take a class or participate in exercises that focus on managing your anger, if that’s needed. Again, you have to be proactive in your own healing.

Spend time with other happy couples.

Seeing how other couples navigate through certain challenges could be beneficial to you and your spouse. If you don’t know any happy couples, expand your search. Look for marriage ministries, on meet-ups that focus on strengthening relationships. Even spending time in places where couples go might connect you to other happy couples.

Again, in a world where anger and sadness seem to be more present than ever, we need a safe space to breathe, relax and just be. That space should always be your home, within your marriage. If you aren’t there just yet, don’t fret, the steps above will get you started.

BMWK, how do you make your marriage your safe haven?

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 630 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit www.thelifeandlovecoach.com and www.theboldersister.com.

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