Don’t Stay Mad: How Couples Can Bounce Right Back After an Argument

BY: - 24 Feb '17 | Communication

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One thing I’ve learned in my marriage is the importance of being able to bounce back after a disagreement. Getting back to happy with my hubby can be a bit of a struggle whenever I allow myself to dwell in the negative space of who was right and who was wrong. I can replay certain scenarios over and over again in my head just to find evidence of how my argument made the most sense.

This isn’t good for me nor does it benefit my marriage.

Because I want us to bounce back quicker and feel good in our space again, there are a few things we both must consider when we disagree.

How to Bounce Right Back

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Disagreements are inevitable but they can make for a great learning experience.

My husband and I will disagree. Our opinions differ on certain topics. He won’t always do what I think he should or vice versa. However, when we disagree we must look at why, examine the actual challenge and create a solution that works for both of us. With each argument my husband and I have, we learn something new about each other. We are better when we find a way to disagree respectively, learn and move on.

Respect is just the minimum.

Our differences are what makes us, us. If we don’t do anything else, we must respect one another. His thoughts, emotions, words and certain behaviors don’t have to look like mine. It’s what makes us individuals. I have to be okay with that. I can’t change him and he can’t change me. We have to be willing to make sacrifices independently. Until we do, acceptance is the key.

If we don’t do anything else, we must respect one another.

Tomorrow isn’t promised, why waste it being petty.

I have to remember life is short. I don’t want to miss out on special moments or precious time being stuck in my feelings. I can apologize. He can apologize and we can get back to loving one another. I no longer want to go days without speaking. We should always live and love for today with every fiber of our being.

Some things just aren’t that serious.

Actually quite a few things aren’t worth fighting over. Small things can easily become something bigger depending on how much negative energy we feed into it. Sometimes it helps to just check yourself, process why you feel the way you do and manage your emotions before it even affects your partner.

Let love always be the guiding force.

Even when I’m upset with my husband, it doesn’t change how much I truly love him. Disagreements will sometimes have us second guessing how we feel about our partners if we aren’t careful. Even during those emotionally high moments, it’s okay to say “Baby, although I’m working through my frustration at the moment, I hope you know how much I love you.” Can you imagine the impact that statement could have on your situation?

Create a Bounce Back Plan

Bouncing back from disappointment and frustration can be difficult for couples, but it can be done. Creating a bounce back plan could bring you back to happy even quicker. For example, as a couple you can decide the next time you disagree to take 5 minutes alone to process what happened, then regroup and take a walk to discuss it together. Whatever you decide make sure the plan works for you both.

Remember, how  well you bounce back as a couple will make all the difference in your marriage.

BMWK, how do you and your spouse bounce back after a disagreement?  As the years go by, do find that it takes less time to bounce back?

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 630 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit www.thelifeandlovecoach.com and www.theboldersister.com.

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The Very First Thing You Should Do When You Want to Improve Communication with Your Spouse

BY: - 23 Mar '17 | Communication

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The one thing that people often overlook, when they are trying to improve communication with their spouse, is some critical but necessary self-reflection. You see, when you are lacking in communication skills with your spouse, often times, its because the communication patterns, that were useful at one point in your life, are now outdated and just don’t flow well in your everyday life.

So, it’s important for you to explore your own history of communication patterns that you were exposed to as a child, and then reflect on how those same patterns are either helping or hurting your marriage today.

The communication patterns, that were useful at one point in your life, are now outdated and just don’t flow well in your everyday life.

For example, I want you to think back to when you were a child.   Just take a moment to recall how your parents, caregivers, and people in authority spoke to you. This may bring up several emotions from uncomfortable, angry, embarrassed, even sadness or empowered.

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No matter what comes up for you, it is important that you pay attention to those feelings, and take a deeper look in how you communicate with your spouse as well as your children, friends, co-workers, and other people who you communicate with on a daily basis.

Now, hopefully, you’ve taken a minute to reflect on this and you may start to see that the way you were spoken to as a child or a teenager has had a major impact on the way you talk your spouse today.

For instance, if you felt you were dismissed, unheard or had no value to the conversations at your home, you may either become overly passive in your conversations, by not speaking up.  Or, you may be overly aggressive, and always trying to be right or prove your point.

However, no matter what your communication style is, it has benefited you on some level. But when it comes to improving communication with your spouse, you may have to let go of some of that old baggage, and create and implement new communication patterns that aren’t based on parental caregiver dynamics. 

Start With Yourself.

This week, I want you to focus on how you speak to people in several areas of your life, your motives for bringing up a conversation, and how your state of mind has impacted your conversations in the past. This exercise will help you become more aware of your speaking patterns with your spouse compared to everyone else in your life, and to also reflect on some of the hidden motives behind your conversations with your spouse.

Another thing that you can do is to record a conversation between you and your spouse and play it back. What could you improve or do to help the conversation go more smoothly? What words or triggers did you react to and how did you react physically or emotionally?  How would you like to handle your conversations differently in the future?

The above exercises should help you become more aware of your speaking patterns with your spouse and to help you to make adjustments where needed. Remember, you are only truly able to recognize what you do when you examine yourself. So if you want to improve the communication in your marriage, a great place to start is with yourself.

HOW TO LEARN BETTER COMMUNICATION:

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BMWK – Has that way that you were spoken to as a child had an impact on how you speak to your spouse and and your children today?  How so?

Emma J. Wallace is a licensed therapist and certified life coach that specializes in inner personal communication and mindset growth. She is trained in clinical hypnosis and neural linguistic programming, which is the study of powerful communication techniques to help you increase your goals and effectively influence others. And she’s also a certified relationship coach.  And over the past seven years, she’s worked one-on-one with hundreds of couples, the military, and have even trained small businesses on improving their communication patterns, so they can decrease frustration at home and in the workplace, improve emotional intelligence, and take their inner personal relationships to the next level. You can reach Emma via her website: http://askemmaj.com/

About the author

BMWK Staff wrote 1226 articles on this blog.

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