If You Can’t Be Yourself, You Are Probably With the Wrong Man

BY: - 22 Feb '17 | Relationships

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Few things are as uncomfortable for me as watching a woman, that I love, be someone that I know she’s not when her man is in the room. It bothers me to my core. And I know that when it comes to dating—particularly in the early dates—there is a tendency to put our best foot forward. I actually get that.

But that’s not what I am talking about here.

I am talking about those moments when she acts shy even though I know she’s not, or moments when she seems anxious or uncomfortable because of something her new love interest says or does. It makes me feel like something is wrong.

Those moments always make me wonder about what’s really going on. I sit and think, how is he treating her when no one is around? And despite those uncomfortable moments, I hesitate to say anything. I know how it goes when it comes to matters of the heart. My gut feeling is not reason enough to approach a friend about a man she seems to like. I need more than that.

So I just fall back and observe. I pay attention. I offer love and support. I give advice if she asks for it. And I wonder what compels some women to stay with men they can’t even be themselves with.

I wish there was a way for me to let all women know that you are fine just the way you are. Don’t change yourself for any man. And for any reason or excuse a woman may have for staying in a situation like this, I have a few things I want her to consider.

But I love him…

That may be true. But are you giving him a chance to love you for who you really are? Are you so scared that he might leave that you are doing what you think he wants so you don’t cause any problems? That’s no way to live. If you have to spend your relationship walking on eggshells, you may be with the wrong guy.

If I show him who I am, he might leave…

Then let him leave. You deserve better. If you have to fake it so your relationship can make it, your relationship won’t last. Regardless of any flaws you may have (and we are all flawed), your man should be able to take the good with the bad. He also shouldn’t make you feel like you are too flawed to be yourself. Tell him to step.

I don’t think I’m that different around him…

Hopefully anyone you call a true friend is honest and has your best interest at heart. If someone comes to with concerns about how you act around your man and you just aren’t buying it, check in with other people you love who have been around both of you and ask for their honest feedback. You may think one thing is going on, when everyone else is observing something else. Don’t ignore the observations of people you trust who have always had your back.

He’s such a great guy….

He may be, but that doesn’t mean he’s great for you. The guy that’s great for YOU will be the guy that you can completely be yourself around. And yes, that means your loud laugh, your love for food, your quirkiness and anything else that makes you unique. When you change yourself you please others, it means your confidence needs a boost. You need to realize how amazing your truly are.

I think we have a future together…

When it comes to happily ever after, I think it happens. Sure, all relationships have issues, but if two people are right for each other and put in the work, they can build something strong. But happily ever after can’t be built on a lie. You can’t suppress who you really are and expect that to lead to happiness. It just doesn’t work that way. It will only lead to a lifetime of frustration and sadness.

We are all unique individuals. That’s what makes us special. And I can tell you from experience that the best part of my relationship with my husband is the freedom that comes with being myself—at all times. I never worry about what he’s going to think or do based on my behavior. He doesn’t make me anxious or worried about shining in my own light. I get to be myself—flaws and all. I love that.

So ladies. Be your beautiful self—whomever that is. And when you are with a man and you start acting like someone other than who you are, you should seriously consider the possibility that he is just the wrong guy for you.

BMWK ladies, have you ever hesitated to be yourself in a relationship? What happened? 

About the author

Martine Foreman wrote 490 articles on this blog.

Martine Foreman is a speaker, writer, lifestyle consultant, and ACE-certified Health Coach who specializes in helping moms who want more out of life but feel overwhelmed and confused. Through her content and services, Martine is committed to helping women embrace their personal truth, gain clarity, and take action to create healthier, happier lives. For more on Martine's candid views on life and love, visit her at candidbelle.com. To work with her, visit her at martineforeman.com. Martine resides in Maryland with her husband, two kids and sassy cat Pepper.

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What The #HurtBae Video Surprisingly Teaches Us About Cheating and Closure After A Breakup

BY: - 22 Feb '17 | Relationships

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In a now-viral video, Kourtney Jorge, asked her ex-boyfriend Leonard why he cheated. The video was a lesson in vulnerability as we watched Kourtney cry her eyes out when Leonard revealed that he had cheated with so many women during their relationship that he couldn’t keep count of them.

When asked why she forgave after catching him in the act, Kourtney replied, “You are my best friend.”

Twitter rallied behind her, retweeting the video over 200,000 times and coining the hashtag #hurtbae. Some users lashed out in anger at Leonard, pointing out that he didn’t seem very remorseful during the conversation.

Others had advice for Kourtney, suggesting that instead of being so forgiving, she should have ended the relationship much sooner. Some told their own stories about being “hurt bae” at one time in their life. I cried my own tears as I connected with Kourtney’s pain, because the whole thing brought back memories of me confronting a boyfriend about his infidelity.

I think the video touched so many of us because we can relate, not just to the pain of being hurt in a relationship, but also because we often want to communicate honestly with our partners and don’t feel a sense of closure when there are things left unsaid when a relationship ends.

I found three powerful lessons that the #hurtbae video can teach us about cheating, communication and closure that you can use as you seek to build your own happy relationship.

1. Trust Your Instincts

When asked how they first met, Kourtney and Leonard both admitted that she did not like him at all when they met in college. She thought he was arrogant and had no interest in him. They became friends a few years later after they discovered they both lived in the same apartment building and a romance developed after that.

Soon, however, Kourtney discovered pictures and text messages from other women and Leonard lied when he was confronted. She later walked in on him with another women in his room and he told her to leave. She went to her apartment and cried.

Leonard told her that the relationship changed after that because she was always checking his phone. “I didn’t trust you,” she said matter of factly.

I think #HurtBae’s saga shows us that we should always trust our instincts. Although first impressions can often be wrong, it is important to pay attention to patterns of behavior that might confirm your first thoughts about someone you meet. The character issues of unsafe people usually reveal themselves in other areas of their lives. And if we pay close attention, we can pick up on the clues and save ourselves from a lot of pain.

The key is to not beat yourself up for loving someone, even if they turned out to be unworthy of that love. The heart often wants what it wants, so you have to train yourself to be a better judge of character next time.

2. Practice “TACT” When Communicating With Your Partner

We tend to think of tact as being sensitive to someone else’s feelings when you’re dealing with a sensitive topic. While that’s true, tact can also be an acronym for “tell the absolute and complete truth.” Kourtney’s conversation was so powerful because she asked Leonard direct questions and she responded to him honestly, even to the point of tears.

When it comes to relationships, if we aren’t being honest with each other, then we don’t trust one another and we don’t have a great foundation for a relationship.

3. Give Yourself The Closure You Need

Many people don’t get to have such a vulnerable conversation with an ex like Kourtney and Leonard did. And even if you do get to ask a former lover why things didn’t work out, the answers don’t always soothe your soul. Therefore, you have to give yourself the closure you’re looking for.

During the video, for example, Leonard didn’t really seem like he wanted to patch things over with his ex. He didn’t ask for her forgiveness, and his body language seemed cold and nonchalant. He may have just been nervous and didn’t know how to respond to Kourtney’s raw emotion, but the fact remains that he didn’t offer anything except “let’s be friends” to tie up the loose ends of their relationship.

What’s interesting to note, though, is that Kourtney has reported that she has moved on and is in a relationship with someone else. She told Essence.com “I’ve learned that honesty is crucial to any relationship. I’ve also learned that facing truth can be difficult but ultimately it makes you a stronger person. I really believe in the power of forgiveness for my own well-being and I don’t like holding grudges because it’s just not who I am.”

#HurtBae is now #HappyBae and her story is empowering. She has shown that when you discover the wisdom in your wounds and name the lessons you’ve learned, you can give yourself the gift of closure, grow, and move on.

BMWK, Do you relate to #HurtBae? How have you gotten closure from past relationships? 

 

 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 146 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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