In a Stressful World, 5 Ways to Make Your Marriage Your Safe Haven

BY: - 27 Feb '17 | Marriage

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With all the stress and worry this world can inflict upon us, it’s important to create a space in our life where there is peace and joy. For me, this space is my home, with my family and within my marriage. I can’t imagine not having an outlet or a safe haven where I can flee the frustration of politics, my job and negative people I may encounter everyday.

My marriage has to feel good to me. Now it will not just magically be that safe space for me without any effort on my part. Both my husband and I have to decide that we want that sense of peace for our relationship. Once the decision is made, our actions then have to be in alignment with that goal.

If this is also one of your goals as a couple, here are a few suggestions for making your marriage your safe haven:

Pray for peace and joy in your marriage.

Ask God for it and expect it to happen. As you pray and ask God for peace and joy in your home, also ask for Him to remove those obstacles that may block you and your spouse from having those things. Whether it’s temptation, laziness, procrastination or anger, ask God to help you and your spouse in that area, so you can thrive as a couple.

Leave the drama outside the door.

Any drama or negativity that happens at work, should stay at work. Your spouse doesn’t deserve it. If you weren’t bold enough to manage the conflict on your job, there isn’t any reason your spouse has to be your emotional punching bag. Remember if they weren’t the cause of your frustration, don’t make them feel the brunt of it.

Look for 3 things to be grateful for everyday.

Sometimes, all we can do is focus on what didn’t work. However, if you took time to focus on all the things that did work, you’d be surprised. There are so many things that actually could go wrong within a day, so being grateful will definitely shift your perspective. As you discover the three things to be grateful for each new day, be sure to share them with your spouse. This positivity could easily become contagious within your marriage.

Find an outlet to release your frustration.

I understand it isn’t always easy to just turn off the disappointment and turn on the happy. It’s a process. One that sometimes requires a little something outside of ourselves. If you struggle with this, please be proactive in finding a solution. You don’t have to stay stuck in that negative space. There are resources and professionals that can help you navigate through those feelings. Remember, you aren’t any good to anyone if you aren’t good to yourself first. You can also take a class or participate in exercises that focus on managing your anger, if that’s needed. Again, you have to be proactive in your own healing.

Spend time with other happy couples.

Seeing how other couples navigate through certain challenges could be beneficial to you and your spouse. If you don’t know any happy couples, expand your search. Look for marriage ministries, on meet-ups that focus on strengthening relationships. Even spending time in places where couples go might connect you to other happy couples.

Again, in a world where anger and sadness seem to be more present than ever, we need a safe space to breathe, relax and just be. That space should always be your home, within your marriage. If you aren’t there just yet, don’t fret, the steps above will get you started.

BMWK, how do you make your marriage your safe haven?

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 635 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit and


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Why Real #RelationshipGoals Aren’t The Ones You See On Facebook

BY: - 28 Feb '17 | Marriage

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“This aint the movies and this aint Hollywood!” I had to say “PREACH!” when I came across this video from Comedian KevOnStage  where he talked about how he hates the whole ‘relationship goals’ movement that we see on social media.

I often say that it’s the promise of perfection that leads us to the death of divorce. I believe that one of the reasons many relationships fail is because we have no staying power. Social media and movies promise us perfection. And then when we are faced with the realities of marriage, we panic and run. We have no SKILLS or WILL to survive the many seasons that come with marriage so we end up lost, frustrated, and separated.

We have to start being honest about some of the things that you can possibly go through in marriage and then be conscious about providing coping skills to help! Here are a few situations that marriages go through every day but you don’t see it on Facebook!

What You Won’t See on Facebook

1. Miscarriages & Inability to Have Children

Many couples work so hard to plan their family and to try and have children. They use ovulation calendars and all sorts of techniques and try for years to conceive. Many aren’t even successful. Then even if it does happen, according to the American Pregnancy Association approximately 25% of pregnancies will end in miscarriage. These two things have a profound impact on a marriage and the psyche of the two people in the marriage; but you never see these topics on Facebook.

2. Leeching Family Members

No matter what people say when you get married, ultimately, you end up marrying that person’s family as well. Those family members always find themselves in your marital business and in your marital bank accounts and pockets. This cousin and that cousin are down on their luck and always need help, this aunt and uncle might get evicted if you don’t help them pay this or that bill. Eventually it drains your heart and your pockets and can drain your marriage if you don’t know how to handle it.

The goal isn’t to never have problems the goal is to be able to overcome them together!

3. Surviving Infidelity

Truth of the matter is that infidelity happens but what you don’t know is that more than 50% of marriages that experience infidelity survive it. However, you don’t know the realities of what they go through to make it survive. No one is talking about the emotional rollercoaster or the counseling or the work they had to put in, all you would think is that every time there is infidelity there is divorce.

4. Financial Struggles

Stuff happens! People get laid off, the car breaks down unexpectedly, renters of your properties move out, the IRS starts coming for your money because of those student loans…money problems! There are some real financial struggles that happen in marriage, but surviving those struggles takes planning and work, skill and care. The goal isn’t to never have problems the goal is to be able to overcome them together!

5. When you feel like roommates

Sometimes you get so busy in marriage that you start to feel more like roommates than husband and wife. Days go by without kissing, hugging, dating, or sex. Weeks can go by without feeling that lustful feeling you always felt for your mate. This happens, but it doesn’t mean the marriage is over, it just means you have to be intentional about bringing those feelings back because they are still there!

Real #RelationshipGoals

They won’t tell you about those realities on Facebook, and no…these are not relationship goals.  But real #RelationshipGoals should be knowing how to work to through your problems together. growing from your problems, and then having an even stronger relationship for it.

Marriage is easy when everything is going well, but the true value and test of marriage comes in when you can survive the seasons. When you get past just the physical attraction and the cutesy posted pictures and get into the true intimacy that comes with building a life together that’s filled with happy and sad times; that’s the beauty of marriage — #RealtionshipGoals!

About the author

Troy Spry wrote 225 articles on this blog.

Troy Spry a Certified Life, Dating, and Relationship Coach and the one and only "Reality Expert", resides in Charlotte, NC. He created his blog, Xklusive Thoughts, with the intent of putting out a very realistic perspective and using it as a vehicle for inspiration! He hopes to challenge people to think differently and inspire people to do and be better in relationships and in life!


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