They’re a Good Catch and They’re Single! So What’s Wrong with Them?

BY: - 13 Feb '17 | Single

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Have you ever met an attractive person with great qualities and wondered why they’re single? I think most of us can say yes. Now, tell the truth: have you ever thought that something must be wrong with them because they’re single or unmarried?

I’ve been guilty of this too, but this mindset is not towards every single person I meet. But every now and then I wonder: they’re fine, saved, and single, so…what’s up with them?

From cultural habits to things we see in the media, we’ve been taught to see singles as projects to be pitied or  miserable and desperate people.

From observation to experience, here are some reasons why we’re looking at our fellow singles all wrong:

You have a negative mindset

Often times, we will look for what’s wrong in other people because we’re not too happy with ourselves. It’s okay to simply ask, but the intentions for asking reveal what’s inside of us. We’ve been told that being single for too long means that something just has to be wrong with you.  So when we meet other people we’re attracted to who are single, we consider why they’re not off the market.

Could it be that we’re thinking this very thing of ourselves, labeling ourselves and then projecting that view on other singles’ lives?

Because in reality we don’t know why they’re single unless they tell us. We can’t allow the negativity we’ve experienced in our lives be what leads our thoughts about another person’s journey in singleness.

If negative is your go-to response to singleness, then take the time to do some personal digging. Singleness is not a negative thing, so discover why you feel or think that way about yourself or others.

Having a positive mindset about your single season can really shift how you live and how you see others. Instead of going immediately to the thought that something is “wrong” with that person, you may consider that they may be Mr. or Mrs. Right, being smart about being single until they meet the other right person for them; will that be you?

READ: He’s Over 40, Never Married, No Kids: Is Something Wrong with Him?

You’re too stuck on the surface level

We’ve all seen it before in movies or TV or in real life. The pretty single woman is often labeled as stuck up, a gold digger or “bougie” because she carries herself a certain way. Or the guy with a great smile, no kids, over a certain age; some women may go as far as to question his sexual orientation, alluding to his prolonged singleness. This is all before truly getting beyond the appearances and getting to know the person.

We can’t go around making assumptions because that can kill our chances of building meaningful relationships. Real relationships that lead to marriage must have honest communication…on subjects that go beyond surface.

I know many of us don’t want to waste time anymore on the wrong people, but going off of looks, career credentials and church attendance is not necessarily good enough to vet a quality mate either.

Assumptions and prejudgments have to go out of the window. Pick up discernment instead. Take some time to get to know them and ask some real questions. Talk to the important people in their lives and get some insight on who they are as well. Lastly, don’t set your expectations to perfection; that really puts limits on their humanity and uniqueness and it will only frustrate you in the long run.

There are so many reasons why people are single, and we can’t always choose the negative reasons first. Just like you and me, there are many steps and decisions that lead to where we are in this journey. What matters now is that as long as we are willing to move forward to becoming better individuals—single or not—then the opinions of other people shouldn’t matter.

Hey BMWK fam, be honest! What are your first thoughts when you meet other attractive, eligible singles?

About the author

Tatianah Green wrote 77 articles on this blog.

Tatianah Green is a multimedia content creator and editor with a passion for writing. In 2012 she launched the blog BLISSforSingles.com {Black Love & Inspiration for Saved Singles} to encourage singles in faith and love. She is also a contributing writer for several other websites including Culture and God, Single Matters, and The Wire Hanger By Winnie. She recently published her first book entitled Journey to 30: A Single Woman's Guide to Living Unapologetically Without Deadlines. As she embraces her thirties, Tatianah works, plays and lives unapologetically for Christ in Chicago. Connect with her on Twitter and Instagram at @tfortrendsetta

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How Do You Help a Sister-In-Law Who Does Not Want to Help Herself?

BY: - 14 Feb '17 | Relationships

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I have read several of your articles and responses to many dilemmas that many couples face with in-laws and the duties of a husband. First let me say this, I am not married. My significant other and I have a beautiful baby girl who was born prematurely and thank God she’s now doing well.

My significant other lost his mother a year before we had our daughter. He is the eldest of 3 children. The death of his mother was devastating for the family. The devastation left them homeless, hopeless and grieving. The next year they lost their grandfather, their mother’s father. He was the last of their family.

Now his sister and niece live with us in our home. His sister does NOT have any concrete goals in life, no job, no car, no ambition, no motivation. She never leaves the house unless it’s with one of us. Her daughter goes with the dad for 3 days out of the week.  And she’s making no effort to look for a job. When I asked him why doesn’t she work, he offered the same excuse she had, “she has no car.”

Neither he nor her think that she should utilize public transportation. Every day she wakes up, looks at her phone, mostly social media, for most of the day, while he runs behind her daughter, she never leaves the house, no effort to search for a job and she has no means or source of an income. How Do You Help a Sister-In-Law Who Does Not Help Herself?

Sincerely,

Tired and Frustrated

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Dear Tired and Frustrated,

I am sorry that you are experiencing this in your relationship. While it is normal to be frustrated with your significant other’s sister, I would encourage you to seek to understand her. Her lack of drive and motivation could stem from feelings of depression associated with the loss that she has experienced. There may be other issues as well (being catered to, enabled, etc.) but it is not uncommon for people to suffer from depression after experiencing major life changes.

I would also encourage you to offer to guide her. Believe it or not, some adults need guidance. We often feel that chronological age makes a person responsible. This is far from the truth. We often look at adults and assume that they have skills based on their age. It amazes me how we give children guidance, but somehow assume that adults do not need it. If she is open to be taught, I would offer the help.

If she is open to be taught, I would offer the help.

On a daily basis, I work with individuals who have nothing and become defensive when you question their motivation and behavior. Through my work, I have learned that most behave this way because they are afraid of failing. Some people would rather do nothing in order to prevent themselves from looking like a failure. Her current behavior is probably a by-product of unresolved self-esteem issues and/or depression. Remember that behind every behavior there is an emotion.

Seeking to understand people is half the battle. Understanding combined with empathy can motivate and move people. However, judgment combined with resentment can discourage and deter people.

Speak with your significant other and recommend that you all seek professional help. I mention you all because everyone is impacted even if one person is the cause or problem. For example, your sister-in-law’s behavior is affecting you mentally. Get help because the source of the problem is not as important as the outcome.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 167 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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