In a now-viral video, Kourtney Jorge, asked her ex-boyfriend Leonard why he cheated. The video was a lesson in vulnerability as we watched Kourtney cry her eyes out when Leonard revealed that he had cheated with so many women during their relationship that he couldn’t keep count of them.
When asked why she forgave after catching him in the act, Kourtney replied, “You are my best friend.”
He cheated on her. Now she wants to know why. pic.twitter.com/5hdlpKisjZ
— The Scene (@SCENE) February 15, 2017
Twitter rallied behind her, retweeting the video over 200,000 times and coining the hashtag #hurtbae. Some users lashed out in anger at Leonard, pointing out that he didn’t seem very remorseful during the conversation.
Others had advice for Kourtney, suggesting that instead of being so forgiving, she should have ended the relationship much sooner. Some told their own stories about being “hurt bae” at one time in their life. I cried my own tears as I connected with Kourtney’s pain, because the whole thing brought back memories of me confronting a boyfriend about his infidelity.
I think the video touched so many of us because we can relate, not just to the pain of being hurt in a relationship, but also because we often want to communicate honestly with our partners and don’t feel a sense of closure when there are things left unsaid when a relationship ends.
I found three powerful lessons that the #hurtbae video can teach us about cheating, communication and closure that you can use as you seek to build your own happy relationship.
1. Trust Your Instincts
When asked how they first met, Kourtney and Leonard both admitted that she did not like him at all when they met in college. She thought he was arrogant and had no interest in him. They became friends a few years later after they discovered they both lived in the same apartment building and a romance developed after that.
Soon, however, Kourtney discovered pictures and text messages from other women and Leonard lied when he was confronted. She later walked in on him with another women in his room and he told her to leave. She went to her apartment and cried.
Leonard told her that the relationship changed after that because she was always checking his phone. “I didn’t trust you,” she said matter of factly.
I think #HurtBae’s saga shows us that we should always trust our instincts. Although first impressions can often be wrong, it is important to pay attention to patterns of behavior that might confirm your first thoughts about someone you meet. The character issues of unsafe people usually reveal themselves in other areas of their lives. And if we pay close attention, we can pick up on the clues and save ourselves from a lot of pain.
The key is to not beat yourself up for loving someone, even if they turned out to be unworthy of that love. The heart often wants what it wants, so you have to train yourself to be a better judge of character next time.
2. Practice “TACT” When Communicating With Your Partner
We tend to think of tact as being sensitive to someone else’s feelings when you’re dealing with a sensitive topic. While that’s true, tact can also be an acronym for “tell the absolute and complete truth.” Kourtney’s conversation was so powerful because she asked Leonard direct questions and she responded to him honestly, even to the point of tears.
When it comes to relationships, if we aren’t being honest with each other, then we don’t trust one another and we don’t have a great foundation for a relationship.
3. Give Yourself The Closure You Need
Many people don’t get to have such a vulnerable conversation with an ex like Kourtney and Leonard did. And even if you do get to ask a former lover why things didn’t work out, the answers don’t always soothe your soul. Therefore, you have to give yourself the closure you’re looking for.
During the video, for example, Leonard didn’t really seem like he wanted to patch things over with his ex. He didn’t ask for her forgiveness, and his body language seemed cold and nonchalant. He may have just been nervous and didn’t know how to respond to Kourtney’s raw emotion, but the fact remains that he didn’t offer anything except “let’s be friends” to tie up the loose ends of their relationship.
What’s interesting to note, though, is that Kourtney has reported that she has moved on and is in a relationship with someone else. She told Essence.com “I’ve learned that honesty is crucial to any relationship. I’ve also learned that facing truth can be difficult but ultimately it makes you a stronger person. I really believe in the power of forgiveness for my own well-being and I don’t like holding grudges because it’s just not who I am.”
#HurtBae is now #HappyBae and her story is empowering. She has shown that when you discover the wisdom in your wounds and name the lessons you’ve learned, you can give yourself the gift of closure, grow, and move on.
BMWK, Do you relate to #HurtBae? How have you gotten closure from past relationships?
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