What The #HurtBae Video Surprisingly Teaches Us About Cheating and Closure After A Breakup

BY: - 22 Feb '17 | Relationships

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In a now-viral video, Kourtney Jorge, asked her ex-boyfriend Leonard why he cheated. The video was a lesson in vulnerability as we watched Kourtney cry her eyes out when Leonard revealed that he had cheated with so many women during their relationship that he couldn’t keep count of them.

When asked why she forgave after catching him in the act, Kourtney replied, “You are my best friend.”

Twitter rallied behind her, retweeting the video over 200,000 times and coining the hashtag #hurtbae. Some users lashed out in anger at Leonard, pointing out that he didn’t seem very remorseful during the conversation.

Others had advice for Kourtney, suggesting that instead of being so forgiving, she should have ended the relationship much sooner. Some told their own stories about being “hurt bae” at one time in their life. I cried my own tears as I connected with Kourtney’s pain, because the whole thing brought back memories of me confronting a boyfriend about his infidelity.

I think the video touched so many of us because we can relate, not just to the pain of being hurt in a relationship, but also because we often want to communicate honestly with our partners and don’t feel a sense of closure when there are things left unsaid when a relationship ends.

I found three powerful lessons that the #hurtbae video can teach us about cheating, communication and closure that you can use as you seek to build your own happy relationship.

1. Trust Your Instincts

When asked how they first met, Kourtney and Leonard both admitted that she did not like him at all when they met in college. She thought he was arrogant and had no interest in him. They became friends a few years later after they discovered they both lived in the same apartment building and a romance developed after that.

Soon, however, Kourtney discovered pictures and text messages from other women and Leonard lied when he was confronted. She later walked in on him with another women in his room and he told her to leave. She went to her apartment and cried.

Leonard told her that the relationship changed after that because she was always checking his phone. “I didn’t trust you,” she said matter of factly.

I think #HurtBae’s saga shows us that we should always trust our instincts. Although first impressions can often be wrong, it is important to pay attention to patterns of behavior that might confirm your first thoughts about someone you meet. The character issues of unsafe people usually reveal themselves in other areas of their lives. And if we pay close attention, we can pick up on the clues and save ourselves from a lot of pain.

The key is to not beat yourself up for loving someone, even if they turned out to be unworthy of that love. The heart often wants what it wants, so you have to train yourself to be a better judge of character next time.

2. Practice “TACT” When Communicating With Your Partner

We tend to think of tact as being sensitive to someone else’s feelings when you’re dealing with a sensitive topic. While that’s true, tact can also be an acronym for “tell the absolute and complete truth.” Kourtney’s conversation was so powerful because she asked Leonard direct questions and she responded to him honestly, even to the point of tears.

When it comes to relationships, if we aren’t being honest with each other, then we don’t trust one another and we don’t have a great foundation for a relationship.

3. Give Yourself The Closure You Need

Many people don’t get to have such a vulnerable conversation with an ex like Kourtney and Leonard did. And even if you do get to ask a former lover why things didn’t work out, the answers don’t always soothe your soul. Therefore, you have to give yourself the closure you’re looking for.

During the video, for example, Leonard didn’t really seem like he wanted to patch things over with his ex. He didn’t ask for her forgiveness, and his body language seemed cold and nonchalant. He may have just been nervous and didn’t know how to respond to Kourtney’s raw emotion, but the fact remains that he didn’t offer anything except “let’s be friends” to tie up the loose ends of their relationship.

What’s interesting to note, though, is that Kourtney has reported that she has moved on and is in a relationship with someone else. She told Essence.com “I’ve learned that honesty is crucial to any relationship. I’ve also learned that facing truth can be difficult but ultimately it makes you a stronger person. I really believe in the power of forgiveness for my own well-being and I don’t like holding grudges because it’s just not who I am.”

#HurtBae is now #HappyBae and her story is empowering. She has shown that when you discover the wisdom in your wounds and name the lessons you’ve learned, you can give yourself the gift of closure, grow, and move on.

BMWK, Do you relate to #HurtBae? How have you gotten closure from past relationships? 

 

 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 142 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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9 Things You Do…But Would Have a Fit If Your Spouse Did Them Too

BY: - 23 Feb '17 | Marriage

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I am a firm believer in the golden rule of treating others the way you want to be treated. But oftentimes in relationships, we don’t put this rule into practice! Many times, we don’t step back to think about how we would feel if our spouse treated us the way that we treat them.

So let’s step back and think of some things that we need to take into consideration!

1. What if your spouse never made you a priority?

As relationships mature, everything else in life tends to take priority over the person that your world used to revolve around. Work, church, kids, and family, all become the priority while your spouse is begging for attention. You may not even be conscious that your doing this.  But, what if your spouse always made you the afterthought? How would that make you feel?

READ: A Clear Sign that Your Spouse Needs Your Attention

2.  What if your spouse was “overly friendly” with other people?

You call it being nice, but your spouse sees it as you flirting and leaving the door open to infidelity. That work wife/husband or maybe that person from your past on social media tends to get a little too much of your attention lately. What if your spouse had those same types of “friends?” Would you approve or blow a gasket?

3. What if your spouse never consulted you before spending shared money?

It starts with a pair of shoes, or purse, that extra watch and that harmless sports jersey.  And next thing you know, you are making high dollar purchases without ever consulting your mate. You’re pretty much committing financial infidelity, but you see nothing wrong because you bring money into the house as well. Right? Well, what if your spouse kept spending money without ever considering you?

READ: Financial Infidelity: What’s Out Of Bounds?

4. What if your spouse never showed any appreciation?

You invest so much time and energy into supporting your family, spouse and children, yet your spouse never takes time to say THANK YOU! What if you put in all of that energy daily, but your spouse decided it wasn’t worth a simple and occasional thank you? Even worse… what if they just said “well that’s what you’re supposed to do!” Ouch!

5. What if your spouse never spent any time with the kids?

You both agreed to have kids and start a family. Yet, you never take time to spend with the kids. You don’t show up to events or even help take care of the daily activities that come along with being parents. If your spouse did that what would you think about them?

6. What if your spouse allowed his/her family to disrespect you?

Your spouse’s family gives you a hard time about everything. They don’t respect your time, your parenting, your relationship, or privacy. What if your spouse sat around and allowed that to consistently happen? How would you feel about that? Would you still respect them?

7. What if your spouse never did anything around the house?

What if the house was always a mess because your spouse never cleaned anything or never picked up after him or herself? What if they never cooked or washed clothes? What if none of the bills got paid? Would you look at your spouse differently then?

8. What if your spouse never noticed you?

What if your spouse never noticed when you changed your hair, got some new clothes, or put in work at the gym? What if you got a promotion at work, but they never acknowledge it or congratulate you? What if they never notice that new fragrance you’ve been wearing? How might you feel if they became blind to you?

9. What if your spouse never wanted to have sex with you?

What if every time you came on to your mate they were “too tired?” What if they had a headache every night? What if you never felt like they desired you or was attracted to you? What if even when they did have sex with you it felt like they couldn’t wait for it be over? How would that make you feel about yourself?

My point in this article is that sometimes we have to get back to the basics of considering things from our spouse’s perspective. After all, relationships aren’t all about you!

BMWK fam, what are some other “What If’s” you would add to this list?

About the author

Troy Spry wrote 219 articles on this blog.

Troy Spry a Certified Life, Dating, and Relationship Coach and the one and only "Reality Expert", resides in Charlotte, NC. He created his blog, Xklusive Thoughts, with the intent of putting out a very realistic perspective and using it as a vehicle for inspiration! He hopes to challenge people to think differently and inspire people to do and be better in relationships and in life!

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