5 Important Things Women Often Overlook Because They’re in LOVE

BY: - 24 Mar '17 | Marriage

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I love my husband. I’ve known him for 20 years and we’ve been married for over 8 years. We have two kids together and a third on the way. Our lives aren’t perfect, but we certainly love what we have built. We’ve been blessed.

But can I tell you a secret?

My love for him is not why we are together. Sure, loves plays a role. After all, I would never marry a man I didn’t love…deeply.

But is love all there is?

Heck no!

At an early age, I knew I would need far more than love to stay with a man and invest time and energy into building a future with him.

I hope this doesn’t sound harsh, but when it comes to building a healthy, happy marriage, I think love is overrated. Sometimes people act like if the love is there, everything else will fall into place.

That just isn’t so.

And don’t get me wrong; I don’t have an issue with love. I think it’s a beautiful emotion and it can bring a relationship to new heights.

But I think all too often, women get caught up in how love feels  and ignore other very critical aspects of their relationship that are just as important (if not more important) than that loving feeling.

So while love truly is great, I want women to really think about what else matters. I want women to be able to walk away from a relationship early on- – even if the love is present.  Because some things really do matter a lot more than love.

Here are 5 things that should matter way more than that loving feeling…

Signs of Abuse

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I know a few women who have been in abusive relationships. As a friend, it’s hard for me to see someone I love suffer. No woman ever deserves to be abused. And one thing that they tend to have in common is that they love the man so much. They truly want to see the good in him.

Some things can’t be overlooked in the name of love

Although I get that, I also know that some things can’t be overlooked in the name of love. If your man shows even the slightest sign of being emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive, I can assure you that the love you feel for him won’t sustain you. You deserve better and he needs to get help.

Lack of Support

Loving you and supporting you should go hand in hand, but that isn’t always the case. So even if your man claims to love you, if you find that he never helps you with anything and he has no interest in supporting your passions and dreams, you have to wonder if you can spend a lifetime living like that. Support is a critical component of every healthy relationship and without it, resentment begins to build up and the relationship suffers.

Emotional Stability

Emotional stability is complicated, so I am not suggesting that you should leave your man if he suffers from depression, anxiety, or some other managed mental health issue. However, I know a lot of women who stay with men who have anger issues or are emotionally manipulative and I think it’s so unhealthily. If someone has a mental health issue, they need to seek professional help. Your love won’t fix him. And if he refuses to seek help, it will begin to severely impact the quality of your life. Your love can help him cope, but it can’t really address what’s wrong.

Lack of Integrity

There is no bigger red flag than a man that says one thing and does another. I don’t care how much your man claims to love you, if he lacks integrity you are headed down a painful path. Love is not just about how someone feels, but it’s about what someone does. If you can’t trust your mate to keep his word or follow through with promises, the love you feel for each other just won’t matter much after a while.

Financial Responsibility

No, you don’t need to be with a man that makes six figures. But you also don’t want to be with a man that is financially irresponsible. And to be honest, the six-figure guy can be irresponsible too. Having money doesn’t mean you know what to do with it. Sure, you can have a happy marriage even if you have some slight differences in opinion when it comes to managing money.

Love doesn’t make deposits into your bank account and it won’t do a damn thing when you can’t eat.

But having slight differences in opinion is different than the stress of dealing with someone that’s financially reckless. Love doesn’t make deposits into your bank account and it won’t do a damn thing when you can’t eat. Just keep that in mind,

BMWK family, do you think love is enough to make a relationship last?

About the author

Martine Foreman wrote 493 articles on this blog.

Martine Foreman is a speaker, writer, lifestyle consultant, and ACE-certified Health Coach who specializes in helping moms who want more out of life but feel overwhelmed and confused. Through her content and services, Martine is committed to helping women embrace their personal truth, gain clarity, and take action to create healthier, happier lives. For more on Martine's candid views on life and love, visit her at candidbelle.com. To work with her, visit her at martineforeman.com. Martine resides in Maryland with her husband, two kids and sassy cat Pepper.

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What Ingredients Are Needed to Create a Thriving and Fruitful Marriage?

BY: - 28 Mar '17 | Marriage

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I am a 28-year-old single male, but I recently proposed to my girl. I want to get married fairly soon. I have been following you and you often talk about unconditional love in your articles. I know that love is needed to develop and sustain a marriage, but I am pretty sure that there are other things. You also talk about trust, respect and effective communication.  But besides these things, what else is need to make marriage work? I want my marriage to start off on the right foot. What ingredients are needed to create a thriving and fruitful marriage?

Single, But Ready for Marriage

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Dear Single, But Ready For Marriage,

Thanks for following me. Also, I applaud you for seeking information that will help you thrive after you get married. I felt a level of excitement as I read your question because most people ask this question after they are married.

You are correct in that I believe that unconditional love, trust, respect and effective communication are key ingredients for developing and sustaining a healthy and fruitful marriage. However, I do believe that there are 3 other ingredients that must be integrated into the healthy marriage recipe.

Ingredient #1 – Faith: an allegiance to a person.

Faith positions us to believe in things that we cannot see or prove at any given time. This is a critical ingredient in developing and sustaining a healthy relationship because marriage offers no guarantees.

We take our marriage vows hoping and believing that our love will last forever. This is the essence and meaning of faith. Marriage brings joy, but also challenges. You might not always understand your spouse’s intentions, desires or behavior, but you have to have faith in him or her.

Faith gives us the courage to move forward. We demonstrate faith by believing that God will bless our marriage. Marriage without faith is like a car without gas.

Marriage without faith is like a car without gas.

Ingredient #2 – Work: physical or mental activity that is done to achieve an objective.

Marriage is a beautiful union and can bring a wealth of joy if the right kind of work is conducted to sustain it. We often hear the saying that faith without work is dead. This is true because faith without work does not last.

After the exhilarating feeling of being in love weakens, reality sets in.  The dynamics of being in a committed relationship (to include; building and maintaining a life together, adjusting to career shifts, parental responsibilities, occasional in-law dilemmas and life stressors in general) begin to take a toll on the relationship.

Now, individuals attempt to balance personal needs with their spouse’s needs, but find it difficult to do so at times. The hustle and bustle that comes with trying to secure and maintain the American dream and keeping a spouse, two kids and a dog happy, leaves little time to express physical, sexual and emotional affection. Sexual encounters are scheduled and are viewed as being part of the marital obligation. Complacency sets in and “I Love You is replaced with “You know I love you, I should not have to say it all the time”.

Examples of work include hugging, communicating, listening, sharing, forgiving, sacrificing, compromising and praying. Work is needed to sustain your faith and love. Marriage without work is like a business without clients – it cannot prosper.

READ: Fruit of the Spirit: A Blueprint to a Happy Marriage

Ingredient #3 – Money: coined or stamped metal currency.

Most people believe and agree that money cannot buy love. While this may be true, money can enhance your quality of life and provide security. I believe that money is a key ingredient in developing a healthy marriage because it influences how some people give and receive love.

As a marital therapist, I have witnessed marriages end due to disagreements and fights over money. Some people believe that money is the root of all-evil. I disagree. How people manage and use money is the root of all evil.

Make sure that you use money as a tool to enhance your marriage and not control it. Faith and work builds love, but money is needed to build a good life together. Financial stability and security reduces quality of life stressors. The acquisition and efficient use of money can contribute to enhanced connectivity and bonding in marriage. Remember, it is your responsibility as head of your household to provide for and protect your wife to be.

Marriage is not all about love. Faith, work and money are key ingredients to developing and sustaining a healthy marriage. Faith allows you to believe in the unseen, work motivates you to enhance your love and money makes it slightly easy to do the latter two.

Congrats on your engagement and favor!  Proverbs 18:22 states: He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 170 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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