4 Ways to Prevent Emotional Baggage From Ruining Your New Relationships

BY: - 21 Mar '17 | Single

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Initially when we meet people we meet their representative- the perfect, good behavior version of themselves.  But, at what point do you meet the real person? As the relationship is growing towards monogamy and possibly marriage, when are the masks removed, allowing full disclosure to come into play?  When do you meet, see and/or discuss the baggage that others carry and identify how it enters and sabotages their relationships?

Let me tell you my story…

Recently, I had a discussion with an old friend. We hadn’t been in each other’s lives in years. Our relationship ended (according to my account) after I confronted issues that I was having with him.  I sent him an email explaining my challenges. In my mind, after past failed verbal attempts, I put it in email form so he could hear me, uninterrupted; he could hear what I was saying minus my emotions, pain and disappointment. He could hear my heart and where I was genuinely coming from.



But he didn’t, instead he walked away. However, when we discussed the situation 10+ years later, I heard a very different interpretation on his part. He felt that my email said  “He was Nothing! He would never be nothing!  He was full of it and in essence forget you.” (This is the clean version). I was speechless, this isn’t who I am or how I presented myself to be. After reading the email, he thought I had walked out of his life so his response to my email was literally “Goodbye”, nothing more.

He walked away.

During our conversation, I quickly learned that after 10+ years he was still hurting because he thought I walked away. I was in complete shock- “What?” “How?” I explained that I was attempting to have a conversation with him in a different way. And instead of talking to me, he disappeared out of my life. So in actuality he left me. He couldn’t comprehend that truth; because it would change the narrative that he has played out all of these years in his mind–that I walked out of his life.

Unfortunately, I realized that out of his brokenness from past relationships, this gentleman had a need to milk his self-inflicted wound. Choosing to negate the reason why we had the problem in the first place– because of his actions, which caused and unleashed an emotional tsunami that took a toll on our relationship. Something to this day, he will not take full responsibility for.

Ways Emotional Baggage Can Impact Your Relationships

More importantly, I saw first hand the power of emotional baggage and how it serves as a puppet master, altering a persons opinion and manipulating their reactions and interactions with others.

Needless to say this conversation has left me emotionally numb regarding him and at a loss for words. I find myself at a crossroad choosing to squash the past and asking for God’s help in the forgiveness process.

If we don’t face our issues, our relationships will only go so far…

Out of this conversation, I learned quickly how the spirit of offense can turn and twist the truth around. How issues, pain and baggage from childhood and past relationships can easily creep into a situation where the person is no longer responding to you, but to actions and words spoken by others from another time in their lives. As well, how a person will respond to you based on the poison others have put in their ears concerning you; while choosing to negate the relationship they have with you personally.

4 Ways to Deal with Your Emotional Baggage

This situation is a prime example of the importance of communication, honesty, transparency and accountability in your intimate relationships. Our conversation is 10+ years overdue, the details aren’t as fresh and the external relationships have changed. If this conversation and the level of honesty and transparency associated with it would have occurred sooner, we would probably be in a better place. Now years later after so many hurt feelings, misunderstandings and lack of truth, I find myself questioning why should I reconnect past hello.

In an effort to have healthy intimate relationships,

  1. We must confront and deal with our brokenness, issues and baggage.
  2. We must allow ourselves to be vulnerable with the ones we love in an effort to not only heal but have the open communication and healthy relationships we desire.
  3. We can’t allow the power of offense (present or past) to hinder us from gaining closure and forgiving those who have caused pain.
  4. And finally, we must forgive. Forgiveness is key to our mental, emotional and physical healing.

If we don’t face our issues, our relationships will only go so far, causing us to constantly confront the same challenges,  and never experiencing the beauty of a healthy functioning relationship.

BMWK, how have past issues affected your relationships?

About the author

Judi Mason wrote 61 articles on this blog.

Judi Mason is an Empowerment Strategist, whose mission is to empower You to become your best authentic self. As an accomplished author, Judi has garnered much success with her self-help books and workshops; including her popular Girl Talk: Relationship 101 events- which was birthed from her best-selling book, The Relationship Chronicles- Real Love, Straight Talk No Drama. As a sought after speaker, Judi uses multiple platforms from the marketplace to ministry; to enable individuals to pursue and fulfill their God ordained purpose with passion, in life, love and entrepreneurship.


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3 Things Women Hear When He Says, “We’re Just Friends” that Lead to Heartbreak

BY: - 23 Mar '17 | Single

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You are seriously dating a man (at least you think it’s serious because you are giving him all of your time), but he tells you that you are just friends. What does this mean? Most importantly, what do you hear when he says this?  (READ: What a Man Really Means When He Says He Just Wants To Be “Friends”)

Most communication breakdowns happen between what a person says and what you think they mean. I don’t want your feelings to get hurt because his words are getting lost in translation, so let me point out 3 things you might be hearing when he says “we’re just friends” and why you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak.

1. He’s wants to be friends “first”

You think that because he calls you morning, noon and night, sends you “hey gorgeous” texts, and makes plans to see you every time he’s back in town, that he’s establishing the foundation for a relationship.  You’re spending so much time together, all of his actions lead you to think that you’re together, and he doesn’t have time for anyone else.  You conclude that when he says he just wants to be friends, you think he means friends before the relationship begins.

Wrong! There’s no evidence that suggests you are the only woman in his life.  If he hasn’t told you he’s seeing you exclusively, then he’s not!

2. He’s honest—I like that!

You’ve had men play games with you in the past, so this dude’s straightforwardness feels refreshing to you. He’s older, consistent, secure in himself, and stable in his life. He doesn’t seem to need to impress you and he’s very different from anyone else you’ve ever dated.

Except you’re not dating! A man’s positive actions toward you doesn’t mean he wants a relationship with you.

Just because a man spends time with you, consistently makes you feel good, and even sleeps with you, doesn’t mean that he sees you as his girlfriend.  He’s technically not being dishonest with you…but has he really told you the truth ?

He treats you well, because he knows that if he doesn’t, you won’t spend time with him anymore. But, I repeat… it doesn’t mean you’re in a committed relationship.

READ: What a Man Really Means When He Says He Just Wants To Be “Friends”

3. I can change his mind

You believe you can make him fall in love with you by acting like a wife. So, you never “nag” him about labeling the situation. You don’t ask him for a commitment because you don’t want him to feel pressured. You give him your time, money and attention, hoping that one day his eyes will open and he’ll see you as “wifey.”

Unfortunately, acting like a wife when you’re not even a girlfriend won’t change the mind of a man who has clearly told you, “we’re just friends.”

A man changes his mind because he wants to, not because you cooked and cleaned your way into his heart. If you keep ignoring what he tells you, you’re going to be shocked and heartbroken when he brings his fiancé around!

It’s easy to have selective hearing when someone is telling you something you don’t want to hear. But the truth will set you free, if you embrace it. Instead of dating someone who just wants to be friends, focus on the men out there who would be love to be your partner. He’s out there, but hanging on to this friendship and hoping it will turn into a relationship will prevent you from ever meeting him.

BMWK, how do you handle it when a man tells you “we’re just friends?” Post below! 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 181 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.


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