The Very First Thing You Should Do When You Want to Improve Communication with Your Spouse

BY: - 23 Mar '17 | Communication

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The one thing that people often overlook, when they are trying to improve communication with their spouse, is some critical but necessary self-reflection. You see, when you are lacking in communication skills with your spouse, often times, its because the communication patterns, that were useful at one point in your life, are now outdated and just don’t flow well in your everyday life.

So, it’s important for you to explore your own history of communication patterns that you were exposed to as a child, and then reflect on how those same patterns are either helping or hurting your marriage today.

The communication patterns, that were useful at one point in your life, are now outdated and just don’t flow well in your everyday life.

For example, I want you to think back to when you were a child.   Just take a moment to recall how your parents, caregivers, and people in authority spoke to you. This may bring up several emotions from uncomfortable, angry, embarrassed, even sadness or empowered.


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No matter what comes up for you, it is important that you pay attention to those feelings, and take a deeper look in how you communicate with your spouse as well as your children, friends, co-workers, and other people who you communicate with on a daily basis.

Now, hopefully, you’ve taken a minute to reflect on this and you may start to see that the way you were spoken to as a child or a teenager has had a major impact on the way you talk your spouse today.

For instance, if you felt you were dismissed, unheard or had no value to the conversations at your home, you may either become overly passive in your conversations, by not speaking up.  Or, you may be overly aggressive, and always trying to be right or prove your point.

However, no matter what your communication style is, it has benefited you on some level. But when it comes to improving communication with your spouse, you may have to let go of some of that old baggage, and create and implement new communication patterns that aren’t based on parental caregiver dynamics. 

Start With Yourself.

This week, I want you to focus on how you speak to people in several areas of your life, your motives for bringing up a conversation, and how your state of mind has impacted your conversations in the past. This exercise will help you become more aware of your speaking patterns with your spouse compared to everyone else in your life, and to also reflect on some of the hidden motives behind your conversations with your spouse.

Another thing that you can do is to record a conversation between you and your spouse and play it back. What could you improve or do to help the conversation go more smoothly? What words or triggers did you react to and how did you react physically or emotionally?  How would you like to handle your conversations differently in the future?

The above exercises should help you become more aware of your speaking patterns with your spouse and to help you to make adjustments where needed. Remember, you are only truly able to recognize what you do when you examine yourself. So if you want to improve the communication in your marriage, a great place to start is with yourself.


Learn how to improve your communication almost immediately and reduce the amount of unnecessary arguments and issues that come up so easily because of saying the wrong words or sending the wrong messages with our Effective Communication Online Training System. On sale now!

BMWK – Has that way that you were spoken to as a child had an impact on how you speak to your spouse and and your children today?  How so?

Emma J. Wallace is a licensed therapist and certified life coach that specializes in inner personal communication and mindset growth. She is trained in clinical hypnosis and neural linguistic programming, which is the study of powerful communication techniques to help you increase your goals and effectively influence others. And she’s also a certified relationship coach.  And over the past seven years, she’s worked one-on-one with hundreds of couples, the military, and have even trained small businesses on improving their communication patterns, so they can decrease frustration at home and in the workplace, improve emotional intelligence, and take their inner personal relationships to the next level. You can reach Emma via her website:

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How to Shut Down an Argument Without Shutting Down Your Spouse

BY: - 30 Mar '17 | Communication

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What couple hasn’t had an argument? All couples disagree. It’s natural.  It is normal to have differing opinions from time to time. What’s not normal is fussing and cussing, going back and forth, and arguing till someone shuts down. Let’s reverse this. It’s time to shut the arguments down.

Believe me, I’ve been there. Years ago, my husband and I used to argue, trying to get our point across. There were times when he would leave the room and I would follow him, as if to say, “Wait a minute I’m not finished yet. You are not getting my point.”

How silly right? Well, through the years we have learned a few things that you may find helpful. The goal is to not argue and to disagree without being confrontational.

However, if an argument occurs here are 4 strategies to help you shut down the argument without shutting down your mate.


  1. Stop the argument before you are at a point of no return and agree to come back to it when you have both calmed. Don’t bring the subject up again until the agreed upon time.
  2. Use phrases that express your truth in love to end the argument. Here are 4 examples – Let’s talk about this later; I don’t want to argue; I care more about you than this argument, let’s drop it; We are not going to argue, let’s move on to something else.
  3. Refuse to be taken off your game. Take responsibility for your actions and responses. Your mate can’t make you scream and yell. They can’t make you slam doors or call folks out of their name. Really, they can’t make you mad. Refuse to go there. Keep yourself in control of your emotions and responses.
  4. Communicate in a way that expresses love. Choose words that express love even during a disagreement. I know when my husband says, “Sweetheart” before his sentence, he is choosing his words wisely so not to offend me. I recognize and appreciate that.

When I was a kid my mom would say, “It takes two people to argue. If one of you would be quiet, there would be no argument.” Mom’s advice still rings true today and could be number 5 on this list.

As you look back, you may not remember the reason for half of your arguments with your spouse. Why? Because as important as the matter seemed then, it was really just a small thing in the big scheme of your lives. Now that you realize how insignificant most arguments are you can decide to shut it down.

Arguments don’t do your marriage any good. Have a conversation and hear one another out. Remove the swinging pendulum of emotion. It may take some time but you can do it. You can shut down an argument without shutting down your mate.

Improve Communication with Your Spouse IMMEDIATELY!!

Get our expert-led video training on better communication from the comfort of your own home. And, learn how to respond when the conversation has made a turn for the worst and still get to a place of resolution!

Click here to learn about our BMWK Effective Communication Course!

BMWK family what are some positive things you do to shut down arguments?

About the author

Deborah L. Mills wrote 186 articles on this blog.

Coach, AUTHOR, Speaker, WIFE, Mom, and GRANDMOTHER. That's the gist of who I am. I love people and love to see their life and relationships thrive. As a coach I am ready to support your dream when you don't feel like it. As an author and speaker I am ready to pour into your life so that you can live your best life now. I am a personal and executive coach. Together with my husband I also marriage coach. GO TO MY WEBSITE. THERE IS A FREE GIFT THERE WAITING FOR YOU.


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