5 Surprising Ways to See Your Spouse in a New Light

BY: - 4 Apr '17 | Marriage

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Who are you married to? Now think carefully about this one before you answer. If your initial thought was to say something negative like, “I am married to a lazy, good for nothing man!” we need to talk.

I’ve seen couples struggle with being able to see the good in their spouse, especially after experiencing marriage’s ups and downs. I understand it’s difficult to be positive when you just aren’t feeling or understanding your spouse at the moment, but I’m here to help.

There are some truths couples forget to consider when they begin judging, labeling and discounting their spouse.

This is a real grown-up conversation for couples ready to be happy again.

As a relationship coach, I’m always rooting for your marriage to win and this is why this topic means so much to me. This is a real grown-up conversation for couples ready to be happy again.

Here are the 5 ways to see your spouse in a new light.

First, change your mindset.

It’s important to get out of your own head for a second. When you put some energy into thinking solely about your spouse and their needs it shifts your perspective. Maybe your spouse needs attention, or praise, or intimacy. It’s okay that you don’t need those things, you’re two different people. But, it’s important to understand who your spouse is and what matters most to them.

Next, change your circle if it isn’t supporting your relationship.

Change who you talk to and what you say. If you have someone in your life who’s quick to point out the negatives in your marriage and in your spouse, remove them from your core circle. They mean you no earthly good. Oftentimes your friends can influence how you see your spouse (good or bad). So why not associate with people that are going to speak life into your marriage and lift your spouse up.

Follow that up by seeking professional resources.

I say it pretty often, but it bears repeating, there are so many options when your marriage needs that extra guidance. You don’t know what you don’t know and it’s okay to seek help. A relationship coach or counselor is equipped and prepared to help you and your spouse overcome your marriage challenge. In addition, there are books, videos and marriage ministries that will help you
get a different perspective or philosophy on marriage.

Next, walk in your spouse’s shoes.

You know your spouse’s story. Think about how their childhood or even their current job may be impacting their behavior. There are legit reasons why your spouse acts and reacts as they do. It’s important to understand where their actions stem from and why they need what they need. Even if it makes no sense to you, they are who they are. Remember not everyone handles stress and disappointment the same way.

Lastly, change your own actions.

You can make this happen by taking some ownership. Think about what it’s like to be married to you. It helps when you are really honest with yourself. Are you hard to please? Are you giving? Are you selfish? Would you enjoy being married to you? Would you act like it 100% of the time? Is your home a safe space to be vulnerable? Think about the environment you are creating for your spouse. Is it happy and peaceful or filled with drama and stress? Keep in mind any answers you give that you don’t like, you can change. Think about what you’re going to do with what you now know and take action.

Your marriage deserves every ounce of energy and effort you have to invest into it, don’t forget that. A great way to start getting back to your happy place is by stepping from behind your tinted lenses and being able to see your spouse in a new light. Give it a try.

BMWK, in what other ways can you begin seeing your spouse in a new light?

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 628 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit www.thelifeandlovecoach.com and www.theboldersister.com.

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Step It Up Husbands: 5 Very Real Reasons She Doesn’t Follow Your Lead

BY: - 5 Apr '17 | Marriage

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“You can’t expect a woman to keep following you if you’re leading her nowhere!” I posted that message on my Facebook page last week and the sharing and liking began immediately. A part of me thought, “Wow this must have hit home with a lot of people.” But then, the coach in me started wanting to dig a little deeper.

Is there more to the story?

Maybe we need to clarify where the “nowhere” I am referring to is. Too often, when it comes to our marriages, we get so comfortable with just existing in them that we stop moving forward and we become too passive.

So, let me talk to my fellas for a minute about the areas where we need to be more conscious….

You’re not leading towards growth and ambition

A big part of security for a woman is knowing that her man has ambition, vision, a plan, and the work ethic to execute on all of it. If your actions consistently tell a woman that she can’t count on you or that you are a slacker, you can’t expect her to want to follow you. It’s not that she isn’t loyal or supportive but maybe it’s just that she wants to know that you are growing and the relationship is growing so that she can envision a family growing. A woman will move mountains for a man she knows is committed to her and who she knows has a plan.

You’re not leading the family past the struggle

While a woman will support you through the struggle, she doesn’t want to always be in the struggle. You can’t keep expecting her to follow your lead if your lead keeps headed towards being broke, stressed out, or dysfunctional. If you’re struggling in a season then get through that season. But she must feel confident that you won’t allow staying in those seasons. If you keep TALKING about what you are going to do but never follow through then eventually she will start to create her own path to survival.

You’re not leading with the kids and family

You keep saying you want to be a part of the family and the kids’ lives yet you aren’t consistent and never take any initiative. You can’t get mad at her if she stops including you if you never follow through. You must SHOW UP if you truly want to be a leader in the relationship. It doesn’t work wanting to be the “BOSS” but not wanting to do boss things.

You’re not leading her anywhere spiritually

If she is the backbone of your spiritual life or the only one putting forth spiritual effort then you can’t get upset with her if she does spiritual things without you. If she goes to church without you, prays without you, or participates in church events without you maybe it’s not that she doesn’t want to include you, maybe it’s because you show no interest.

You’re not leading in the romance department

If you continue to be BORING and take no initiative in the romance department don’t expect her to keep following you to and in the bedroom! Take that lead bro! Plan something special, do something spontaneous, and lead her to down that path of mental and physical stimulation.

Okay fellas this article wasn’t meant to be a beat up session on men but it was meant for us to step back and check ourselves. Often times, we want to be the leaders in the relationship but we aren’t doing what true leaders do. Start by taking initiative and leading by example instead of just talking without delivering. Truth is…she finds the leader in you sexy and it makes her feel secure so give her what she’s looking for!

About the author

Troy Spry wrote 225 articles on this blog.

Troy Spry a Certified Life, Dating, and Relationship Coach and the one and only "Reality Expert", resides in Charlotte, NC. He created his blog, Xklusive Thoughts, with the intent of putting out a very realistic perspective and using it as a vehicle for inspiration! He hopes to challenge people to think differently and inspire people to do and be better in relationships and in life!

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